


Where Can We Go From Here

by AnandaRunner



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Feels, Ben goes a little dark side, Canon Typical Swearing, Drunken Confessions, Eavesdropping, F/M, Finn is the best friend ever, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Training, History of abuse, Lightsaber Training, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Rey goes a little dark side, SPOILERS for TLJ, Snark and Smiles, awkward situations and humor, bb-8 is actually in charge, canon compliant for TLJ, fluffy nonsense, galactic history lessons, introspective ben solo moments, operation save ben solo, references to canon novels, self-deprecating language, space mom leia, the resistance gang is not sure how they feel about all this, the supreme leader is a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-09-21
Packaged: 2019-03-28 16:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 50,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13908177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnandaRunner/pseuds/AnandaRunner
Summary: He looks away from her, leaning his head back against the wall. “I don’t deserve that, Rey. Maybe I’m not worth all this.”Rey moves quickly, shifting in front of him again. “No, Ben.”His eyes snap to hers, and she does her best to keep her face neutral. “That is, honestly, kriffingnonsense.”------------Snoke is dead, and Kylo Ren --Ben Solo-- stands at the head of the First Order.Rey and the Resistance are in hiding, scraping together allies and resources to halt the First Order's infectious spread.But the Force bond lingers long after the battle on Crait, evolving with each unexpected connection.And despite what they both view as betrayal on theSupremacy, they each want the future the Force showed them -- standing together at the end of it all.





	1. What About You?

**Author's Note:**

> This is a repost of the series edition of WCWGFH. I mistakenly thought I was writing several short one-shots, but these space nerds poured a plot all over it and now here we are.
> 
> If you've been reading along with the series version and want to jump right back in, go to chapter 25! Otherwise, buckle in and enjoy the ride.

He always comes to her at the worst moments, it seems.

  
After the _Supremacy_ , he’d thought their connection was gone. Severed with his master’s death.

On Crait he saw her again, and he’d felt something like regret.

He regrets a great many things lately.

 

He can’t make out where she is. Not that he’s _trying_ , exactly, but to pretend he isn’t curious is just lying to himself.

Wherever it is, she has a cot or a pallet to sleep on, going by the blurry edges of what look like sheets bunched up around her lap.

“What are you doing?”

She sighs.

“It’s really none of your business.”

He notices the fragile book resting in her lap, her fingers gently brushing along the pages.

“Are you...did you take those from Skywalker...from Luke?”  
  
  
Her huff of exasperation is like a jab in the ribs.

“I thought I said it’s none of your business.”  
  
  
He makes a sound that could have been a laugh, coming from someone else.

“Why even bother reading those? You’re stronger than they could have ever have dreamed to be.”  
  
  
She finally looks at him then. Frowning, as always. But...sad.

He wasn’t expecting sadness.

“And I suppose you think that’s, what, _flattering_? You think that’s a _compliment_?”  
  
  
He almost replies, but her expression stops him. He doesn't think she's sad now.

He’s still not sure how to read her. He’d thought -- once, briefly -- that they had come to an understanding.

“I meant it as one, yes.”  
  
  
She sighs again, and looks away. Back to the Jedi books.

“Why are you here?”  
  
  
He makes that almost-laughing sound, and she looks back to him. The frown is gone.

“Being here wasn’t my idea. I have obligations--”  
  
  
Her hand raises to halt him and she looks down at the book.

He hadn’t expected that to _hurt_.

“Oh, I forgot. You’re the _supreme leader_ now. Go on then. Leave me alone, Kylo. Rule the galaxy.”

 

She doesn’t hear anything from him for a few minutes, but she knows he’s still with her. She decides to continue reading until their connection abates, feeling spiteful.

He’d _betrayed_ her on the _Supremacy_. There’s no other word for it.

She wishes, desperately, that there was.

  
The silence finally goes on too long, and his presence lingers. She closes the Jedi book gently, sets it aside, and looks at him again.

 

He’s simply sitting across from her, gaze trained on his own gloved hands. She’s not sure she’s seen him so still since they met, and it unsettles her.

“Is...something wrong?”

 

Her concern is genuine, he knows, but he can’t stop himself.

“It’s _really none of your business._ ”

She scoffs at that, dismissing his barb.

“I can’t help if you won’t talk to me, Ben.”

He clenches his hands so tightly the leather of his gloves creaks.

“Make up your mind already. Am I _Kylo_ or am I _Ben_? What are you trying to accomplish, Rey?”

  
She looks away, but then back to him. Sighs again.

“I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Done _what_?” he growls at her, and looks back at his hands.

“Taunted you. Told you to leave me alone. Neither of us really wants that.”

 

He inhales sharply and looks back to her, and the sincerity there is as painful as the saber wounds she’d given him on Starkiller.

 

He looks at his hands again.

“I don’t think you _can_ help me, Rey.”

  
He can feel her frown trained on him.

“What do you mean?”

  
He drags one hand through his hair, still staring at the floor.

“Actions have consequences. Being _supreme leader_ doesn’t preclude that.”

  
“Ben. Look at me.”

He exhales slowly. When he looks up again, she’s moved closer -- so close he could almost touch her, if she’d let him.

  
She frowns again.

Oh, he wishes she’d stop that.

  
“You don’t have to be anything, for anyone. Be Kylo, if that will suit you. Or be Ben.”

He can’t breathe with her looking at him like this. Still sad, but hopeful.

“Luke is...gone. You defeated Snoke. You don’t have to be what they tried to make you.”

  
He wants to look away from her, but he finds that he can’t. The little bit of light in her room highlights the undertone of green in her eyes, and he feels hypnotized.

“What about you?”

  
She stares at him for a second, shocked.

“I...I don’t get to decide that for you. Be whatever -- whoever -- you want to be.”

  
He shakes his head, amusement coloring his voice.

“No, Rey. What about _you_ ? What are you going to be?”

  
She smirks at that, and shifts backward slightly.

“Well. Probably not a Jedi, to be honest.”

  
He looks at her sideways, almost smiling himself.

“Should I pretend to be surprised?”

  
She huffs and rolls her eyes.

He’s not surprised by that either.

  
He hesitates before speaking again, but he’s curious, now.

“Did you take the lightsaber with you? I didn't see it when I woke, before.”

  
He expects her to be angry at mentioning it, but instead she seems sad again. The frown is back and he immediately regrets asking.

“Yes. But I can’t repair it.”

  
He scowls down at the floor.

“Repair it? Are you saying it’s _broken_?”

  
He looks back to her and she’s nodding, not looking at him.

“I think…”

  
This time she’s the one watching her own hands for a moment, palms up, as if she’s dismayed by their failure to repair the old weapon.

But then she looks at him again, and something is different.

“I think I’m going to build a new lightsaber. Do you...do you think Luke would mind if I used this Kyber crystal?”

  
He stares at her for half a breath before replying. He hadn’t expected that.

“No. I think he’d like that.”

  
“What about you?”

  
Something in him dares to hope, and this time he does smile, if only a little.

“I think I’d like that too.”


	2. Delicate Work

Not for the first time, she wishes they had more control over this...whatever it is.

She can feel him standing behind her, but she's trying to extricate the Kyber crystal from the saber and it is  _ extremely  _ difficult.

"Am I bothering you?"

  
She smirks. 

"No. I'm just nervous."

  
She hears him take a step back.

"That seems out of character for you."

  
She gently sets the multispanner on the table and turns to face him, finally.

"You really haven't known me that long, you know."

  
She watches him resist the urge to snipe back as he realizes the tone in her words. It takes him a moment, but he looks away and offers that almost-laugh instead.

"Seems like forever, I suppose. But...really. There's no need to be nervous."

  
His expression is so...honest, she's not sure what to do with it. His confidence in her is unsettling. Unfamiliar.

Then his eyes dart to her ‘spanner and back to her.

"There's also no need for that."

  
She huffs, frustrated. 

"I've been scavenging my entire life. I can do this."

  
He scoffs, his eyes rolling.

"Yes, I know you can, but you don't need to do it  _ that way _ . Watch."

  
He raises his hand, casually, and she realizes then what he meant. 

She follows the line of his arm back toward the saber.

It rolls to one side, then the other.

She looks back to him and finds him scowling at the broken saber, as if offended by its nonreaction.

He lowers his hand and looks back to her, only somewhat disgruntled.

She finds herself feeling proud of him despite herself.

  
He drags a hand through his hair, grumbling.

“You try. Be…firm, but gentle.  _ Persuade  _ the crystal to come free.”

  
She offers a brief smile, then nods.

“Alright.” 

  
She closes her eyes, extending her arm toward the fractured weapon.

She can feel the hilt clearly. The table it rests on. The man ‘standing’ beside her.

But not the crystal.

  
She relaxes for a moment, breathing slowly, feeling the interior support structure.

Emitter. Power cell. Conductor. Insulator. Activator.

Energy channel. Modulation circuit.

Crystal  _ mount _ .

But from the Kyber itself... empty space.

  
It makes her uncomfortable.

Reminds her too much of Luke.

  
She groans and steps away from the table.

“I can’t do this.”

“Of course you can. Try again.”

“Another time.”

“You can do this, Rey. I’ll help you.”

  
She turns quickly, scowling. 

“No. Not now.”

  
She drops herself onto her pallet and glares at the table across the room.

She can feel him watching her again, like he always does.

After a few odd minutes of him simply waiting, she sighs slowly, then shifts to one side to allow him space to sit.

  
He makes an odd sound as he lowers himself beside her, and she looks up at him.

“It’s not as if I’m physically there with you, remember?”

  
She shrugs. 

“I don’t care. I’d rather you sit with me than stand awkwardly.”

“I’m...not sure how to reply to that.”

  
She smirks at him and sees what could be a smile there.

“Good.”

  
She hears him exhale slowly, and she already knows where this is going to go.

"Rey, I... I wish I could do more."

  
She shrugs again.

"My inability to sense the crystal actually isn't your fault. It's just... it's like it's not there."

  
He looks at her quickly. 

"What? It's Kyber. They don't work that way."

"This one does."

He frowns a bit, and makes an odd humming noise instead of answering.

  
"It reminds me of Luke. Back when I arrived on Ach-to."

Ben inhales slowly. Exhales. 

"Why?"

  
"He cut himself off from the Force as part of his self-imposed exile. I think he felt it was...what he deserved."

Ben makes an uncomfortable sound beside her.

She watches him carefully, knowing he wishes he could be alone with his emotions.

  
"I... I can't do this."

The way his voice sounds is too much like when he asked her to join him, and again she wishes they had more control over their connection.

  
She doesn’t want to ask, worried he’ll reject her offer, but she feels like she must.

"Do you want me to leave you alone?"

"No, Rey. I don't want that."

"Okay, Ben. Neither do I."

  
They sit together a while, the silence surprisingly comfortable rather than the awkwardness she might have expected before.

She turns to him slowly.

"Can we try again next time?"

  
He looks sideways at her and nods, just a little.

"Next time."


	3. Choose Both, and Neither

It's been 4 days since he saw her last.

  
He doesn't think she's blocking him. He's not sure they're even capable of blocking each other.

All he knows is that it's been four days.

  
...Four days, 6 hours, and force-knows how many minutes. He wasn't actually watching the clock at the time.

  
Obviously.

  
He's really not very good at this.

 

A day later, he hears the insistent humming that precedes the connection, and nearly trips over his own feet seeking her out.

A stifled chuckle behind him, and he whirls, panting.

  
And oh, she's  _smiling_.

"Oh! Ben. It's so unexpected to see you excited like that, sorry."

  
He feels his own mouth start to twitch upward. Resists the urge to instinctively refuse to express his pleasure at seeing her.

Offers what probably amounts to half a smirk, but it's the best he can muster.

"It's fine. I...it's good to see you, Rey."

  
She hasn't stopped smiling. He's not sure what to do with that.

She doesn't say 'you too.' She's not the type. But she nods, and her smile never falters.

  
That's good enough.

 

He wanders through his ship with her force presence at his side, and he feels...comfortable. It's a new thing for him. Or a very old one.

He's not sure anymore.

"Have you learned anything new in the Jedi texts?"

  
She turns and walks  _backward_ , facing him so they can speak.

"Oh. Well, not really. More stuff to make me think I could never be a Jedi."

"What a surprise."

  
She smiles at him again. He's going to forget how to breathe, at this rate.

"Not a Sith either, of course. Surely there must be another way."

  
He watches her eagerly, as she so casually walks with him.

"'Time for the Jedi to end,' as Luke said?"

  
She nods.

"Yes. I think so."

 

They finally make it to his quarters and she turns, one closed fist extended in front of her.

"I want to show you something."

  
He looks slowly from her hand back up to her still-pleased face.

"...What is it?"

  
She opens her hand, palm up, to reveal not one but  _two_  Kyber crystals.

One a clear blue, the other a deep red.

  
And, stars help him, she's still smiling.

"I was able to free the crystal from Luke's saber!"

  
He nods, keeping his breathing slow.

"And the other?"

  
For the first time since she came to him, her smile falters slightly.

"I...I went back to Ach-to. I buried the halves of the hilt in the ashes of the force tree."

  
He almost can't hear her over the ringing in his head.

"The red crystal, Rey."

"It was in Luke's hut on the island. Do you think...was it Vader's?"

  
He thinks he's going to be sick. The whole room is  _shifting_  as he tries to find someplace to sit down.

"Ben? Ben!"

  
The ringing in his head increases in pitch and volume until he's gritting his teeth against the sound.

  
He doesn't see the way half the items in the room are slowly lifting from their positions.

  
He sees Rey shouting his name -- his old name, the one they called him, the only name she uses with him anymore -- and all he hears is his own blood rushing.

  
A slow, gentle touch to the inside of his left wrist brings him back.

  
He inhales so suddenly and so sharply it makes him dizzy.

  
His hearing returns as everything in his quarters comes crashing back down, and he can't help it when he flinches.

  
Rey's hands close around each of his wrists and his eyes are drawn there.

  
She's not restraining him, though she perhaps could if she tried, as disoriented as he is.

She's just holding his wrists. Keeping him grounded.

  
His eyes, still slightly unfocused, search her face.

And oh, now she's crying and he  _hurts_.

  
She sniffs and finally he hears her.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I should have done this differently."

  
He blinks once, twice, again. Swallows the bile in his throat and shakes his head slowly.

"No, it's...not your fault. You didn't do this."

  
He turns his wrists in her grip and she lets him go, but he carefully takes her hand to lead her to a desk where they can sit.

  
She twines her fingers with his and he  _knows_  she's not there with him, not really, that it's just the Force doing this, but he doesn't care.

 

The pressure in his mind is fading. They sit at his desk and she's still gently gripping his hand and he could not be more grateful.

She's quiet and searching his face and waiting for him to speak, so he has to say something.

"You're probably right."

  
She stares at him.

"What?"

"It probably is...Vader's lightsaber crystal. I'm not sure why else Skywa-- _Luke_  would have had a red crystal."

  
She nods.

"I thought so. It's touching that he kept it all these years."

  
He makes a sound like a strangled laugh, startling himself. His eyes dart to hers then back to their hands.

"Yes. My uncle was always a bit sentimental."

  
She squeezes his hand, drawing his gaze back to hers.

"May I use it for my new saber?"

  
He can't help his shocked expression.

"What?"

  
She looks away.

"If it's not alright I understand. I just...wondered. I have an idea."

"An idea?"

  
"Yes. I read that there were force-wielders with lightsabers like staves and--"

He tries to give her an approving nod. He's not sure if he succeeds.

"And you need two crystals."

"Two crystals."

  
"What does this mean, Rey?"

"I'm not entirely sure. I think we could be something  _new_."

  
He's not sure what to fixate on: the plural 'we' or the puzzling 'new'.

  
She continues, not noticing how he's gone still.

"We could choose to be both Jedi and Sith. Or we could be neither. Something new."

  
He slowly pulls his hand free and stands, stepping away from her.

"Ben?"

  
He clenches his fists against the pounding in his head.

She's frowning again and he wants it to stop, wants to be alone.

He's not sure he can do this. He turns and starts to walk away from her, as if the Force would let them be apart.

  
"...Kylo?"

He turns back to her so quickly the room spins.

  
He scowls at the floor.

"Don't. Don't do that."

"Don't do what?"

"Don't call me Kylo."

  
He looks up at her and then immediately away again.

He can't handle the sadness that's replaced the simple happiness from before.

"Okay. Okay, Ben."

  
"No one else calls me Ben anymore. Just you."

  
He fixates on a point off to his left, an imperfection in the wall. He wouldn't be able to get this out otherwise.

He has to speak slowly to keep his voice from shaking.

  
"I don't know...who, or what, I am anymore. To everyone out there, I'm  _Kylo Ren_ ,  _Supreme Leader_. With you, I'm just Ben. I was never 'just Ben' before all of this."

  
She smiles at him again, and she's still sad, but it's something.

 

He nods, finally acquiescing.

"You are  _absolutely_  welcome to use both crystals. Someone should."

"Thank you, Ben. Can I show you the saber when I'm done?"

  
He tries to smile for her. He knows he doesn't manage it.

She doesn't seem to mind.

"I look forward to it, Rey."


	4. Upon Waking

Rey wakes suddenly, and mindlessly pushes outward, violently, with the Force.

  
She’s breathing quickly, her eyes darting around in a panic, one hand still held up in front of her.

It takes a moment for her to realize she tried to use the Force to expel a dream.

 

She was back on Jakku, and she had fallen through a rusted area of an old ship. The sands above had rushed through the gap above her head, a gritty avalanche, and her panic had risen with every inch.

It happened too fast for her to stay on top of it, and she’d known then the end was coming. She had started to give in to her fate when she’d heard a voice in her mind as if they were speaking from an adjacent room.

“Rey? What’s wrong? Rey!”

  
And then she’d awakened.

She feels Ben shift uncomfortably where he’s sitting beside her, as patient as he can manage but uncertain.

“Thank you.”

She whispers, afraid to speak too loudly.

Afraid she’ll find  _this_  to be the dream instead.

  
He nods and starts to move away, but she grabs his sleeve.

“Stay. Please?”

  
She looks at him from the corner of her eye, without moving her head, and she can see the startled, unguarded expression on his face for a fleeting second before he regains his control and gives her the faintest ghost of a smile.

“Of course.”

  
She’s afraid if she lets go of him he’ll disappear, so she carefully moves her hand down his arm to grip his hand instead, but when he inhales suddenly she worries she’s gone too far and starts to pull away.

But instead he flips his hand to be holding hers and squeezes gently.

“It’s fine, Rey. Just...surprised. It’s fine.”

  
She nods without looking at him, watching their hands instead.

“I’ll stay as long as I can.”

  
She knows he means  _as long as the bond allows_  but she’ll gladly accept anything now.

 

They carefully move together on her sleeping pallet to lean against the wall, their shoulders a hair’s breadth apart.

She leans her head back and shuts her eyes, listening to the sounds of the base around her, and to Ben’s breathing.

  
She feels him tense just before he speaks, and she thinks again he probably would rather be anywhere else.

_Surely he was trying to sleep, too._

  
“Are you alright?”

She looks at him quickly, both unsurprised and terrified by his concern.

  
She can feel the frown pulling at her mouth and the threat of tears as she searches his face for a sign of...she’s not sure what.

“...I don’t know.”

  
The first tears work themselves free and now he’s frowning too and even though she knows, she  _knows_  he’s not upset with her, it’s the first place her mind goes and it only makes her more distraught.

  
She tears her hand free of his to cover her face in shame and she feels him shift quickly on the bed to sit nervously in front of her.

  
Her knees draw up as the silent sobs tear themselves from her heart.

She wonders if she can retreat far enough into herself to simply cease to be, and escape this feeling.

  
There's a buzzing in her mind that she can't quiet.

She just wants it to stop.

She wants it all to stop.

  
She feels a light, hesitant touch on her arm and peers at him through her fingers, not quite able to catch her breath.

“Rey. Please. What  _happened_?”

  
And oh, now his voice is like it was after they fought together on the Supremacy and she just can't think about that now.

  
His expression is so kind, so gentle, his blatant affection for her could rend her in two.

“I was...I was back on Jakku. Being swallowed by the desert.”

  
He doesn’t say anything, but carefully rests his other hand on her knee.

Offering what of himself he can spare.

  
She draws a shuddering breath, a second, and third, drawing strength from his presence.

Swallows thickly and tries to calm herself as Ben’s thumbs idly caress her skin.

“It’s always a risk, when you’re a scavenger. The desert can claim you when it pleases, erase you from the galaxy without a thought.”

  
She drops her forehead onto the back of the hand he’d rested on her knee. Her breathing is starting to slow and now she’s just...tired.

“Those moments were the ones I felt most betrayed by my parents. Surely if they...if they really loved me, they’d have saved me.”

  
Ben’s thumbs stop their slow movements and he gently grips where he rests his hands.

“I always managed to free myself, but it was because I was small and light enough to stay above the sand.”

  
She scowls at nothing.

“And after all that time waiting there, risking everything...to find out I’d wasted my time all those years...”

  
She lifts her head to look at him. The trinkets in her room shiver with her anger, waves of the force washing out from her like a storm tide.

“I hate them for what they did. For what they made my life become.”

  
His voice is dark when he finally speaks.

“They never deserved you.”

  
Her breath catches in her throat and she sees the dangerous look in his eyes.

It’s the first time since they saw their shared future that she truly sees him as _Kylo_ , even if it's  _Ben's_ anger.

“They should be despised for leaving you behind. You are not wrong to hate them.”

  
She opens her mouth to speak, but he lifts one hand and leans toward her.

To her shock, his expression softens again and he wipes her tears with his hand.

“But this anger does you no credit. You’re such a well of compassion and it saddens me to see you like this.”

  
She sighs and leans into his touch.

“Thank you, Ben.”

He smiles at her then, an honest and beautiful thing, and she no longer feels quite so alone.

  
They shift to lean against the wall again, and he hasn't let go of her hand.

  
Weeks ago she might have minded -- well, she absolutely would have -- but now it's such a simple comfort.

  
He's not really sitting beside her, and she knows that, but the Force gave them this for a reason.

So this will do.

  
She doesn't think she'll manage to get back to sleep, and she feels bad for keeping him awake.

"I'd say you can go if you want, but..."

  
He smirks at her.

"We should probably consider learning to control this, some time."

  
"Did I wake you, before?"

He exhales slowly and looks away from her.

"I...don't sleep well most of the time."

  
"Ben. That really doesn't answer my question."

  
He makes that almost-laugh sound and she sees his face move as if to smile again.

"Yes, you woke me. But I promise, it's fine. It's not your fault the Force doesn't care about my sleep."

  
She nods, understanding. She’s sure it’s inevitable she’ll experience the same thing.

  
She hesitates, but has to ask all the same.

“Why don’t you sleep?”

He looks at her sideways, seeming to struggle with how to respond.

  
She doesn’t mind waiting. She thinks, quietly, his story might be different if his family...if  _anyone_  had spoken to him like this.

“Ahh, well... same as you, I suppose.”

  
Her eyebrows raise, questioning, but she already knows. 

“Nightmares?”

  
He nods, looks away. 

“Yes.”

  
She’d shared her fears with him, and though she doesn’t  _expect_  him to do the same, she finds she longs for it.

She knows how alike they are, at their core.

It frightened her once, but now...now she’s almost grateful for it.

  
“You can tell me about them, if it will help you.”

She doesn’t look at him, worrying it will scare him away, but the sound drawn from him is part gasp, part sob and she’s reminded painfully of how it sounds when she thinks he’s trying to laugh.

 

They’re quiet for a long time before he speaks again.

“That’s...kind of you. But I doubt it would do any good.”

  
She squeezes his hand slightly, and sees his eyes fix there.

“If you change your mind, then.”

 

She goes back to looking at nothing for a while, only moving when she feels him shift to lean his head back against the wall.

  
She turns her head just enough to see the uncomfortable expression on his face. His mouth, which already lends itself to pouting, is pulled into deep frown; his eyes searching the ceiling like he can find answers there.

  
His eyes shut and he inhales slowly.

“Sometimes...it’s not the nightmares keeping me awake.”

He rolls his head to look at her sideways.

“Sometimes it’s memories. Even good ones.”

  
He hums slightly and she closes her eyes at the pitch of it.

She feels it in her chest alongside a throbbing sadness that is as much his as her own.

  
“Did you know I visited Coruscant many times with my mother when I was young? A  _child_  at New Republic senate meetings.”

She looks at him and he has tears on his face and...oh.

She realizes he must think Leia died on the  _Raddus_. Leia had told Rey he’d fired on them in the fight.

But she knows that conversation can happen another time. That it will have to happen, eventually.

  
“She always had these  _beautiful_  gowns. Not elaborate things, usually understated elegance; and she’d have her hair in the braids Alderaan was known for.”

He exhales shakily and meets her eyes. The endless well of sadness there cuts her so deeply, she wonders how he lives with it.

  
“I know every child loves their mother. But seeing her at her best, General-Princess-Senator  _Leia Organa Solo_ , beautiful and brilliant... I understood why my father had fallen so deeply in love with her.”

Now she’s crying, too, because she knows where this is going.

  
“It also made me  _angry_  to know that my father had the audacity to fly away from her again, and again.”

He looks away and at his free hand, studying his open palm.

“I never truly hated him. I envied him, to be honest with you. He held more of my mother’s heart than I could ever hope for. He couldn’t sense the Force so he was always free of its burden and gifts. He had no real obligation to the New Republic, despite his former status as a Rebellion general and leader of the Pathfinders. The Liberator of Kashyyk. Who wouldn’t envy him?”

  
Rey nods, thoughtful.

“Even I knew who he was, back on Jakku, but on worlds like that his smuggling exploits were best known.”

  
Ben scoffs at that.

“Yes, he never removed himself from that reputation. It was a useful skill during the Galactic Civil War -- one my mother utilized on many occasions, even in the years after it ended.”

  
He sighs again.

“But I also never  _understood_  him. He would fly off for longer and longer periods, and by the time I went to train with Luke it was more common for him to be away than on Chandrila with us. Then she was nominated as First Senator and everyone found out about Vader and...”

  
Rey waits for him to continue, her thumb grazing his knuckles.

She can almost physically feel his quickly changing emotions. But unlike before, nothing in the room shakes or hovers, and she marvels at his increased control. She would never have expected this change.

But she senses he doesn’t know how to word his next sentence, and she knows his last decade or more has been shaped by his perception of events.

  
“And then you left Luke’s temple.”

Again he makes that despairing sound and grimaces at his now clenched fist.

“That is...a very interesting way to state that.”

  
She shrugs.

“Understated, but true.”

“Yes. And you know the rest.”

  
She watches his face as she speaks.

“And your memories keep you awake?”

  
He scoffs.

“My memory is nearly perfect. Every experience preserved like a holorecording. It’s exhausting. So I close my eyes...and all I see is faces. Luke, Snoke, my parents, the other Jedi students... even you, on Starkiller.”

  
He wrenches his hand away and she feels cold when he looks at her.

“Every last moment. I’ll never forget them. Whatever, whoever I become, I’ll always have to live with that.”

  
She remembers Han’s last moments and can’t stop the tears streaming down her face.

“Yes. Now you understand.”

  
She’s not sure whether he’s sad or angry or scared now and his intensity makes her wish she hadn’t pressed before.

  
His eyes keep boring into her and she suddenly doesn’t want to do this anymore. She knows then that she can’t sit on her secret any longer.

  
She places her hand back on top of his, demanding his attention.

  
“Your mother is alive. She's  _alive_ , Ben. She didn't die on the  _Raddus_.”

  
She blinks, and he’s gone from her room.

Her hand closes around empty air, and it’s like she’s been punched in the gut.

  
She’d thought...

She’d thought she was helping. She didn’t think he’d leave.

  
She curls onto her side, her hand still resting where his was a moment before.

  
She shuts her eyes and speaks to the empty room.

“I’m sorry, Ben.”

 

As she starts to drift to sleep, she considers maybe he didn’t leave on his own. They have little control over this, after all.

She wonders if she can reach him on her own.

 

She doesn’t sleep.

Her entire night is spent staring past her hand to the far wall, desperately trying to  _will_  the bond to life.

  
Morning comes on the base and she’s still staring at the wall, and he still hasn't returned.

She’s exhausted, emotionally and physically.

Tired, and sad, and suddenly  _angry_.

  
She starts to pace, full of anxious energy with nowhere to spend it.

  
Her entire life, she’s wanted a connection to someone, to  _anyone_ , and now she has it and it’s this fickle, ephemeral thing and she’s linked to a mercurial creature who looks at her like the  _sun_ , and how did she end up here?

  
She’s angry and sad and there’s a humming in her head and--

“Rey?”

  
She turns so quickly the room spins.

Ben’s standing there on the other side of her room, looking more than a little uncomfortable.

  
Part of her knows she should be glad to see him, but that resentment lingers and she scowls at him.

“I thought you were  _gone_.”

  
His expression shifts and he starts to speak but she cuts him off again.

“I thought you would want to know you didn’t  _kill your mother_. I give you what should be good news, and you decide to  _leave?_ How does that make any sense to you?”

  
He’s frowning at her now and she gestures dismissively.

She can’t stop herself lashing out him, now. Doesn’t know if she wants to. Conjures up every moment of cruelty, every betrayal, every deceitful, selfish thing he’s done since they met.

“Just go. I know you didn’t want this. Just...just go.”

  
She sits on the far side of the room, facing away from him.

  
She doesn’t want to do this.

  
She hears this long sigh from across the room, the heavy sound of his boots as he approaches.

“Rey.”

His voice is quiet, but there’s an edge of firmness she hasn’t heard from him in a while.

  
“Why do you think I would ever try to kill her? Have I ever, even once, made you think I want her gone?”

She scowls at the wall. Refuses to acknowledge him.

  
“I love my mother, Rey. She’s a point of light in this dark galaxy and if I could I’d see her live forever.”

She looks at him over her shoulder, spits the words at him.

“You’re lying. Leia told me what happened.”

  
He scoffs, and she sees him offer a halfhearted shrug.

“I saw the bridge get hit. But I did not fire on my mother.”

  
“Then who did,  _Ben_? Leia said she sensed you in the Force, and then moments later the  _Raddus’_  bridge was exploding out into space. She only lived because she pulled herself back through the Force and Connix, Finn, and Poe had the med team ready for her.”

  
Suddenly he’s looming behind her and she turns to look up at him.

“ _That wasn’t me._ It was another TIE. Not mine. _”  
_

His entire body is rigid and his hands are curled into tight fists.

  
“I have no reason to believe you.”

He steps away from her, the anger suddenly drained from him. He looks...younger, sadder.

  
His hands open and he looks at his palms. She can see thin red crescents where his nails had dug in, the pricks of blood bold against his skin.

He keeps his gaze on his hands. She searches his face for a sign of what he’s thinking, but he’s schooled it back into the neutral expression he had given her when she’d first seen his face on Starkiller.

  
His breath is shaky when he speaks again.

“I promise you on anything you like: I would never knowingly harm Leia Organa. I love my mother. I loved my father. I miss them both.”

  
She’s hardly breathing, now. Afraid to break the spell.

But she believes him, and her anger has dissipated.

  
She stands and starts to pace again. The abrupt shift in his demeanor has her on edge.

“I miss you, too, if I’m being honest.”

Again she turns to quickly she thinks she’ll fall, and his face is so open and full of...she’s not sure what.

Or maybe she is, but she doesn’t want to consider that just now.

  
He sighs and takes the seat she just left. The urge to approach him is overwhelming, and she wraps her arms around herself to resist it.

“And you’re wrong, you know.”

  
She's afraid of what he'll say.

“...About what?”

“That I don’t want this, our connection.”

  
She steps closer, watching him as he looks up at her.

“You and I, Rey... We’ve both felt alone our entire lives. This bond is something we would never have thought to hope for. When I thought it was gone, after Snoke...I thought I was alone again.”

  
She can see the earnestness on his face, his desire that she believe him.

She finally manages to speak.

“I’m glad we’re still connected. I don’t want to be alone anymore, either.”

  
She smiles at him; sees him try to smile in return.

“And I’m sorry I didn’t believe you. I...I could tell your mother it wasn’t you, if you want.”

  
His face falls and he looks away from her.

“I don’t expect she’ll believe you. It’s too much to hope for, after...everything.”

  
She kneels in front of him, hoping to catch his gaze again.

When he still don’t look at her, she gently touches his knee to get his attention.

He exhales slowly, finally meeting her eyes.

“You have to let me try, Ben. You both need this.”

  
He nods at her, then looks away.

“Thank you, Rey.”


	5. Complicated

He stalks off the bridge of the  _Finalizer,_  weary of Hux and his exasperating tendencies.

 _The Resistance has to be_ somewhere _, Re--Supreme Leader. We can't just stop searching for them. That_ girl _killed Snoke. She needs to be dealt with._

 

He doesn't have the patience for Hux on the best of days, but hearing him disparage Rey makes him grind his teeth in annoyance.

 

He rounds the corner into the hall and nearly runs right into Rey’s force-presence.

She looks...happy to see him?

“Hi, Ben.”

He offers a tired almost-smile in return.

“Hello, Rey.”

As usual, the timing of their connection is terrible.

 

“How is your lightsaber construction going?”

She shrugs.

“Not as quickly as I’d like, but I’m having to improvise. It’s hard to find the parts I need.”

The thought of her past improvisations manage to pull a truer smile from him then. She’s astonishingly clever, especially with a weapon.

“I can imagine. But you have the Kyber crystals, and those are the rarest component.”

 

His tone must reveal something, because she tilts her head at him and frowns in concern.

“Is something wrong?”

He sighs and looks away from her.

“It’s complicated.”

“It always is.”

“Yes. Yes it is. Come with me, I can’t linger in the halls forever.”

 

They wander back to his quarters and he feels more tired with every step. Rey’s worry for him should be comforting, but instead it only adds to his exhaustion.

 

When he enters his quarters, he sheds his gloves and cloak, dropping them into a lazy pile in a chair near the door. He drops heavily onto the end of his small bed, and Rey comes to stand in front of him.

“Ben...what is it?”

“I think it won’t be long before I run into trouble here.”

 

She drops onto her knees to catch his eyes.

“What?”

“I hope I’m wrong but... I suspect Hux knows I had a hand in the incident on the  _Supremacy_.”

“Well...you did.”

 

He looks at her sharply.

“He doesn't know that. I woke and  _you were gone_  and I had to lie to him. But it’s only a matter of time before he tries something.”

 

She’s frowning again and he  _hates_  that, but every time he thinks of their little tug-of-war over his grandfather’s lightsaber, he can’t help himself.

 

She stands and takes a small step back from him.

“What  _exactly_  did you tell him, Ben?”

“I told him you killed Snoke. I implied you killed the Praetorians and knocked me unconscious.”

“Why would you say that?  _You_  killed Snoke.  _We_  fought the guards.”

 

He’s standing and towering over her before he can stop himself.

“Ah, but the last part isn’t false, is it?”

“Yes it is!”

 

Her scowl does nothing to intimidate him. He’s angry, now.

“Really, Rey? You are going to act like what happened wasn’t your fault?”

 

She turns completely away from him.

“You’re ridiculous.”

 

He moves to stand in front of her again, determined now to have this conversation.

“No. No, you wanted to know what was wrong, and this is it. You  _left me alone_  on the Supremacy after I assassinated my master and we destroyed his guard force. You left me  _alone_. After...everything. You left me.”

He sighs wearily and walks away to curl onto his bed still-clothed. He hadn’t wanted to air that particular grievance today, and now he’s more tired than before.

 

“What is he going to do?”

She sounds more nervous than angry, but he doesn’t have anything left to give today and simply scoffs.

“Kill me, I suspect.”

 

Rey’s soft gasp does nothing to shake his mood.

“Oh, Ben.”

“If I’m lucky he’ll try it himself just to have the pleasure. A squadron of stormtroopers at his side for support. He’d never succeed.”

 

The silence stretches on and he can still feel her standing across the room. He had tried to avoid this discussion, after all.

“If I’m unlucky, well... I don’t know if it would work, but he might try to sway the Knights to his side. They could probably manage it if they tried, though most of them can't stand him and would probably kill _him_ just for the suggestion.”

He hears her quiet sigh.

“I’m sorry, Ben.”

 

He rolls his eyes and buries his face in his pillow.

“Right.”

“I am. If I had known it would put you in so much danger, I might have taken you with me when I left.”

“Rey...please don’t lie to me anymore. I really don’t think I can take it.”

“I’m not  _lying_  to you. Why would you think that?”

 

He groans and turns back to her, curling into a sitting position on his bed. His hair falls into his face, but he doesn't bother moving it aside.

“You couldn’t bring yourself to join me, but you’d take the time to  _save me_? It doesn’t make sense.”

 

“Look at me, Ben Solo.”

 

Her voice is firm, and he can feel the edge of the Force behind it though it would never work on him.

He lifts his eyes to look at her and she just looks _..._ disappointed.

“Just because I don’t want to rule the galaxy with you doesn’t mean I don’t... that I would leave you to die, knowing you were at risk. I wish you had told me sooner that you might be in trouble.”

 

He presses the heels of his hands against his eyes, for the first time wishing their connection would fade for the moment.

“I’m sorry my leaving put you in danger. And I’m sorry you’re alone in this. I would help you, if I could.”

 

When he finally speaks again he almost can’t hear his own words.

“Why can’t you?”

 

He senses her grow very still where she stands.

“What?”

 

He’s afraid to suggest this. To state it aloud.

But...if she’s truly not lying to him...

“Have you spoken with my mother yet?”

“I...No, not yet. She’s...”

 

He looks back to her quickly.

“Is something wrong?”

Her eyebrows raise, but then she waves a hand dismissively.

“No, no, she’s fine. She’s just not here now.”

“Oh. Alright. Good.”

 

He nods, stares into his open hands.

He exhales slowly and meets her eyes.

“Because, if you can convince her I’m being sincere, I think I need some help.”


	6. A Quiet Moment

She feels their bond hum to life just as she’s trying to align the crystal mount for her saber.

 

“Give me just a moment with this, okay?”

She carefully sets the last mount piece in place and sets her 'spanner aside, exhaling in relief.

“Finally. I’ve been working on that all morning. Tiny blasted things.”

 

She turns to face Ben, eager to show him her progress on the weapon, but when she doesn’t immediately see him she’s confused, and then concerned.

“...Ben?”

 

She stands and steps away from her desk, her unease growing with each hesitant motion.

“Where--”

But she sees him then: curled on her bed asleep, his arms encircling her pillow and his face buried deep in it. His hair covers the exposed side of his face and the ends are moving with each small breath.

 

She knows she would normally hate the idea of another person occupying her sleeping space, but he looks so peaceful like this. Calm in a way she knows he rarely feels.

She kneels next to her bed, watching his face as he sleeps.

 

She decides this moment... she can take advantage of the quiet to say some of the things she’s still afraid to tell him directly.

“I wish this were easier. I can’t help thinking...we deserve more than this, you and I.”

 

She smiles and carefully brushes his hair back from his face, her hand lingering gently on his cheek.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with this fondness for you. We’ve had so little time to know each other, but I feel like part of me has known you longer than I’ve known myself.”

She wouldn’t dare touch him like this if he were awake. It’s hard enough for the two of them to be on their own without their feelings getting in the way.

“It’s more than a little frightening, to be honest. I wonder if it’s the same for you?”

 

That’s another reason she knows she’ll never be a true Jedi. She spent her entire life without any real attachment to anyone or anything, but now she has it, and she doesn't want to let it go. And she’s not naive enough to pretend she is without fear or anger.

 

Leia is meant to return from Gatalenta today, and when she does Rey has to speak with her about… well, about everything. She at least deserves to know that Ben didn’t fire on the  _Raddus’_ bridge, what really happened on the  _Supremacy_ , and that he needs their help.

It means revealing their connection, but it’s necessary. She trusts Leia, and they don’t have to tell anyone else.

 

A part of her hates the idea of sharing the secret with anyone, even someone as important as Leia.

It’s  _theirs_.

But there’s no way she can explain everything without also revealing the bond, so there’s nothing to be done for it.

 

She sighs quietly, and Ben shifts on the bed at the sound.

She watches silently as he pulls her pillow more tightly to himself and stretches himself out to his full length.

He lets out the smallest of groans as he coaxes his muscles to move, exhaling heavily.

 

His eyes open slowly, and he blinks heavily at her.

“Oh… Good dreams. That’s new.”

_He...thinks he's dreaming?_

 

He smiles and she’s caught off-guard -- a rare thing, and she carefully memorizes the shape of it.

One of his arms releases the grip on her pillow and extends toward her.

 

In a moment of in indulgence, she closes her eyes and lets him gently caress her face, turning into his hand.

His gasp draws her attention and she sees as his eyes widen.

He yanks his arm back and sits up sharply.

“What? ...Rey?”

She starts to speak, but he’s gone.

She drags herself onto her bed and buries her face in her pillow, and she swears she can smell him there.


	7. Proficient

He’s having trouble keeping himself focused.

 

Hux is droning on about the proposed assault of yet another mid-rim system and he just...doesn’t care.

With luck, the entire First Order will be ashes within a year. He tries not to think too hard on that, knowing there’s too many variables to have any expectations.

 

But he’s hopeful, and that itself is new.

 

He hasn't seen Rey since that morning, when he had awakened to find her watching him sleep. He hums softly, wishing he had realized sooner he wasn’t dreaming. Her smile was so warm, her eyes kind.

He wishes they could be that way always.

One day, perhaps.

 

Hux’s exasperated sigh reaches his ears.

“If you have more pressing matters, Supreme Leader…”

He exhales slowly and barely resists the urge to roll his eyes at the General.

“No. Continue. I’m eager to hear this  _plan_.”

Hux’s eyes narrowed, but he continued explaining nonetheless.

 

He’s just finished changing into his training gear -- fitted pants and a lightweight belted tunic not unlike his old Jedi attire -- about to clip his saber to his belt, when he feels the pressure change in the air that always precedes their connection.

He turns to greet her and finds she’s trying  _very hard_ to not look at him.

 

“Rey? What’s wrong?”

He takes a step forward, and she takes a step back, hiding her face in her hands.

 

He’s suddenly nervous, looking down at his clothing. He hadn’t somehow forgotten to dress some part of himself, so that can’t be it.

He worries then that something has gone awry in her discussion with his mother, and has to try not to panic.

“What is it?”

 

He sets his saber aside and steps toward her again, but she backs away once more. The backs of her legs connect with the end of his bed, and she sits down hard.

“It’s nothing, I promise!”

 

But she’s still looking at the ceiling rather than at him.

He sighs in frustration.

“Then why won’t you look at me?”

Something in his voice must finally get her attention, because she looks at him from the corner of her eye.

“You’re um…”

 

He looks down at himself again, then back at her, and... _oh_.

_Is she blushing?_

He hadn’t expected that. Even the time she’d caught him half-dressed hadn’t elicited this response.

He shrugs and tries not to smirk at her.

“I uh...I could go change again, but I just put these clothes on, so…”

“No, it’s fine. It’s just unexpected.”

 

She looks at him properly then, and he feels oddly exposed, shifting his weight from one bare foot to the other.

"I wanted to spend some time with the training remotes, if you’d like to accompany me?”

He carefully doesn’t ask her to  _join him_ , knowing it’s still a bit of a sore subject.

She nods, and he leads the way into the training room attached to his quarters, grabbing his saber as he goes.

 

“There are cushions along the wall that make decent seats, if you’d like one. I just need to get everything set up.”

He gestures to where they’re piled in one corner of the room, but pauses, realizing his words.

"Well, I guess it doesn't matter where you sit..."

She looks from him to the cushions, cocking her head.

"Actually...I can see them. That's different."

He suppresses a smile, then turns to pull a dozen of the spheres from a tall cabinet.

He starts arranging them throughout the room in no particular pattern.

 

“Do you always work with so many at a time?”

Her tone implies surprise, but there’s an edge of admiration there too.

He lifts a hand dismissively.

“Not always, but sometimes it’s the only way I can dispel excess energy.”

“It helps you be tired enough to sleep, you mean.”

He turns halfway, enough to see her watching him carefully, and nods.

“Sometimes, yes.”

She gives him the slightest smile, and though he doesn’t usually like to have an audience, he’s grateful she’s here.

 

He positions himself inside the irregular shape he’d created with the remotes’ placement, takes two deep breaths, then closes his eyes and activates the remotes with the Force.

He reaches with his senses to feel their various positions in the room, their whirring and beeping reaching his ears as they rose to their programmed heights.

He ignites his saber and starts his dangerous dance as the bolts whizz and scream toward him from all angles. He’s careful not to deflect any toward Rey, even knowing that her physical self is somewhere across the galaxy.

 

Wide downward arc. Quick upswing. Spin and deflect a shot to disable a different remote.

And on, and on.

 

It continues for what feels like hours, his eyes still shut as he halts a final bolt from the last hovering remote and holds it in midair.

He opens his eyes, looking at Rey through the curtain of his sweat damp hair to see her watching at him with surprise on her face.

A flick of his wrist sends the bolt back into the remote and it drops to the floor with a dull thud.

 

“Ben, that was...spectacular.”

He smirks and ducks his head.

“Years of practice. I’d be glad to teach you, one of these days.”

 

He uses the Force to lift the remotes back into the cabinet, then moves to sit beside her on another of the cushions.

His heartbeat pounding in his hears, he almost doesn’t hear her quiet sigh.

He does, however, notice when she leans her head on his shoulder.

 

“Ah, I can’t possibly be a very good pillow after that session…”

“It’s fine, Ben. I just want to sit here. I’m not worried about your sweat getting on me through the Force.”

He huffs out a small laugh.

“Alright.”

 

His pulse is finally returning to normal when she speaks again.

“I’m sorry I startled you this morning. I should have let you be.”

He tilts his own head to rest against hers, his hair drying into loose waves.

“No, it’s okay. I just didn’t realize I was really seeing you."

 

The back of her hand brushes his, and he intertwines their fingers, grateful for the contact.

“You thought you were dreaming of me?”

He sighs.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

 

“Rey, please.”

Her head lifts from his shoulder as she leans to look at him.

But her hand, warm and solid even through the Force, stays linked with his.

He groans and stares at her carefully.

“You looked happy to be there, at my bedside. I was sure it had to be a dream.”

 

“Well, it wasn’t a dream. I  _was_ there, and I  _was_ happy about it. I was glad to be able to watch out for you, even for a moment. You should get more peaceful moments like that.”

He wasn’t expecting that.

“...Oh.”

He sees her trying not to be smug, appreciates the gesture.

“Yes.  _Oh_.”

He smiles and squeezes her hand briefly.

“Then...thank you, Rey.”

 

He stretches his legs out in front of him, sighing contentedly.

“I hope I don’t regret asking, but…have you spoken to my mother?”

“Not yet. She’s due back from Gatalenta any minute, actually.”

 

He lifts his head from hers, suddenly curious.

“Wait, Gatalenta? Why did she go to Gatalenta?”

“She said her friend died during the pursuit to Crait, that she had to go see her family.”

 

He covers his face with his hands, groaning.

“I didn’t know Amilyn was there. Not that I could have changed anything then but… she was one of the last friends Mother had after the galaxy found out about her parents.”

“Oh.”

 

He’s quiet for a long time, faint memories of the former senator from his childhood. Her hair was a different color each time he saw her -- once it was the most spectacular shade of blue, it suited her eyes so well --  but she always spared a smile for her friend’s son.

The more time he spends with Rey, the more of his earlier memories are dragged to the surface. Things he hasn’t discussed in years.

“She and my mother met as teenagers, during a pathfinding class on Alderaan.”

 

Rey tilts her head to look at him.

“So they knew each other for a long time, then.”

He nods, dragging a hand through his hair.  

“Yes. A very long time.”

 

He stands and extends a hand to help her up.

“Come on, I should give you some specific information to offer my mother when you speak to her.”

She takes his hand, nodding.

“That’s probably wise. I don’t know how this is going to go.”

 

They return to his room, hands still linked, and he pulls her to sit beside him on the end of his bed.

He decides quickly it’s easier if he tells her everything he can for now.

 

“Hux is planning to attack Dinzo. The Empire had a Cortosis mine there, and he would like to revive it.”

Rey blinks at him in shock.

“But Cortosis is lightsaber resistant… that is not a good sign.”

 

He shakes his head.

“No, it really isn’t. It means I’m probably right about his intent to kill me. We’re mobilizing in two days and should arrive there within a week.”

She looks away from him, concern obvious on her face.

“That means the Resistance has a limited window to arrange whatever surveillance they deem necessary to verify this intel. Tell my mother I said: ‘Skor-fin don’t swim in the Silver Sea.’”

 

“What are skor-fin?”

“Chandrilan fish. I never cared for the taste of it, but my father did. It was a joke of theirs.”

She smiles, understanding.

“So she knows the information is from you.”

 

He nods, and continues, worried that their connection will fade before he can relay everything.

“Tell her I’m sorry to hear about Amilyn, and tell her I miss her singing. She would never admit to being good at it. I think it gave her an excuse to avoid it whenever possible.”

 

He chuckles a half second, then sighs.

“Stars but I  _miss_ her, sometimes. Without Snoke in my head it’s easier to remember that.”

 

He feels Rey’s hand on his shoulder and turns to look her in the eyes, and she gives him an encouraging smile.

“She loves you, Ben. I’ll tell her everything, and we’ll work this out. You’ll see.”

“I hope so, Rey. I really hope so.”


	8. So Much to Tell

Rey approaches Leia’s door, hesitating to hit the chime.

 

But the attack on Dinzo is in less than a week, and if Ben is right, Cortosis mining means he has half a year at  _most_ before Hux tries something.

 

She takes a deep breath, and hits the door chime.

 

Leia opens the door, her usual smirk on her face.

“I was starting to wonder if you were ever going to come in.”

Rey laughs.

“You knew I was there?”

Leia shrugs, leading her into the room.

“I wasn’t sure it was you, but I hoped it was.”

 

“Really? Why?”

Rey is a little uncomfortable under the weight of Leia’s gaze, feeling somehow exposed in the small office.

“We haven’t had much time to talk since we fled Crait. I’ve been away, and from what I hear you’ve been building a new lightsaber. I’d love to see it sometime.”

Rey blinks back her shock as they take a seat on a plush settee at one end of the office.

“Ah, of course. I have a lot of work to go yet, but when I’m done.”

 

Leia looks at her sideways, her eyes searching.

“I also hear you went back to Ach-to, for some reason? Chewie is still complaining about the porgs trying to nest in the  _Falcon_ again.”

Rey smiles and looks down at her lap.

“Yes. I had hoped Luke had some saber components on the island, but I found something better: a spare Kyber crystal.”

 

“A spare...how? The Empire strip-mined all of the planets containing raw Kyber to power the Death Star, except Ilum -- which became Starkiller base. Why did Luke have a spare crystal?”

Rey shifts in her seat, suddenly worried about this entire exchange. 

_If it’s this hard to tell Leia about the crystal, how hard will it be to tell her about Ben?_

 

She takes a breath, then explains the best way she knows how.

“I believe he kept the Kyber crystal from his father’s lightsaber. There was no hilt, and no other components in his hut, but--”

Leia stands then, leaving Rey seated, watching her move about the room. She’s not looking at her as she trails her fingertips along the edge of the desk.

“No, please continue. Just because it’s uncomfortable doesn’t mean I shouldn’t know.”  


Rey stifles a sigh and wonders if she’ll still believe that when everything has been said.

“The crystal was kept safe with some other items of his, tucked away among some spare robes.”

“Was there a compass? Or something like one?”

“...Yes, actually. How did you know?”

“Luke stole it from Palpatine’s vault on Pillio after the fall of the Empire. He was teaching Ben to use it, hoping they could find the first Jedi temple -- Ach-To -- together. Everything fell apart before they had a chance.”

 

“I’m...very sorry, General.”

“Come now, Rey, I’m sure we’ve been through enough that you can just call me ‘Leia.’ It’s certainly much less tiresome than  _General_. General of next to nothing.”

 

Rey walks toward Leia, worried now about more than just Ben.

“Is it that bad?”

“It’s probably worse than you know, to be honest with you. With the New Republic gone, there’s no one to stand against the First Order except the last of the Resistance, and we are pretty clearly the losing side. Fewer than a dozen fighters, one light cruiser, and the  _Falcon_. We’ve managed to scrounge together a hundred or so new people, but it’s unlikely that will ever be enough. And to think the New Republic didn't consider the First Order to be a serious threat.”

 

“What if we had help?”

She almost regrets speaking as soon as the words are out, but now it’s too late and Leia is looking at her very seriously.

“Help? ...From where? No. Better question: from  _whom_?”

"Well it's...complicated."

 

Leia's reply is a slight deepening of her frown, and Rey is uncomfortably reminded of Ben -- the way they both convey such displeasure with their narrowed eyes and downturned mouths.

"It's always  _complicated_ , Rey."

Rey huffs the smallest laugh and shrugs.

"You're right. But this is different."

 

She stands a little taller, one hand gripping the opposite wrist. She takes a deep breath.

"I have a message for you. From Ben."

Leia looks up at Rey, her face twisted into something between anger and sadness.

"Get  _out_  of my office."

 

"It isn’t what you think!  _None_ of it is what you think!”

Leia waves dismissively, her anger clear in every motion. She’s pacing the room like it’s suddenly too small, coming to a stop in front of the same settee they’d been chatting on before.

“I don’t care, Rey. You have defended us, stood with us, and now you say you’ve spoken to my son? He attacked Luke. He murdered his fellow Jedi in training. Committed himself to the Dark side.”

 

Rey starts to worry this was a worse idea than she thought.

“Leia, that isn’t the whole story --”

“No, I know. Snoke manipulated him. But later, he still made his choices. He  _chose_ to kill Han. To fire on my ship, knowing I was inside. Then he just  _declares_ himself Supreme Leader, and hunts us nearly to extinction. And now you tell me, what, you’ve been communicating with him? How did you even manage that? No, let me guess. It’s  _complicated_.”

 

Rey groans in frustration, but knows she has to succeed -- for Ben’s sake as well as that of the Resistance.

“He was made to believe he didn't have a choice. Years of manipulation and abuse, and a creature distorting and pervading every thought. Leia, please. I’ll tell you everything, if you’ll just let me. But I  _do_ have a message from him. He said it was important, so that you’d know it was really from him.”

Leia speaks through clenched teeth.

“Fine. What’s this message?”

“He says ‘Skor-fin don’t swim in the Silver Sea.’”

 

Leia’s anger deflates suddenly, and she sits down on the settee slowly, her gaze unfocused.

“How… how do you know about that?”

Rey sighs.

“I told you. Ben asked me to tell you. He said it was a joke between you and Han.”

 

Leia nods, and Rey takes a seat beside her.

“I don’t understand. He hasn’t tried to contact me in  _years_. Not since he found out about Vader. Why now?”

Rey shrugs and looks down at her hands.

“I think he’s more himself than he’s ever been, now that Snoke is dead. He said he misses your singing, and that he’s sorry to hear about Amilyn.”

 

She looks back to Leia to find she’s crying, now, her eyes holding such a deep sadness Rey doesn’t know how she manages to be such a pillar of strength to everyone around her.

She tilts her head as she continues, hesitant to offer more but knowing it has to be said.

“He...misses you. And he hasn’t said it, but I know what happened with Han helped prompt this shift in him. He did a lot of things to try to please Snoke and gain his favor, but Snoke only ever humiliated and I think even tortured him. It might not have been the way you and Han imagined, but Han’s sacrifice is helping lead Ben home.”

 

Leia buries her face in her hands, shoulders shaking as she tries to control herself.

Rey hasn’t spent enough time with Leia to know how to help, so she waits beside her until she’s ready.

Leia gradually calms herself, breathing slowly.

“How can you know all of this?”

 

Rey has to try not to laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

“Well, that’s the complicated part.”

Leia looks at her sideways, waiting.

 

“Have you heard of a Force bond?”

“A  _Force bond_?!”

Rey nods.

“I believe we accidentally created the bond when Ben was trying to interrogate me on Starkiller.”

 

“That is definitely complicated.”

She shrugs.

“It’s been...odd, to be sure. But in its own way, it’s a tremendous comfort at times. Ben is possibly the person I relate to most in this whole strange galaxy. We're a lot more alike than either of us could have guessed.”

 

Leia’s eyes narrow at her.

“Why do you keep calling him  _Ben_?”

Rey does laugh then.

“He asked me to. He said he was never ‘just Ben’ before.”

“I see.”

 

Rey sighs, thinking of how strange the past few months of her life have been. All of this has happened in less than half a year, and sometimes it’s hard for her to keep up.

“We don’t any kind of control over this connection. Sometimes it activates when one of us is asleep, even. That was...an experience.”

Leia laughs.

“Oh, was it really?”

 

Rey looks away from her and tries not to smile.

“Yes. He doesn’t seem like the type to cuddle with a pillow, but I’ve seen him do it. And then he thought he was dreaming of me. Then I got to watch him training with some remotes. It was surreal.”

 

"But when we're connected it's open, and...pure. There's so much more to Ben than he lets anyone see."

She notices Leia watching her and continues.

“The more we talk, the more I realize that underneath the years of Snoke twisting him and forcing himself to be darker and darker, there’s someone who just feels everything too intensely and doesn’t know how to cope with it.”

 

“Rey, you have to be careful. You might not be able to trust everything he says.”

She shakes her head slowly, frowning.

“You don’t understand. I don’t think he  _can_ lie to me over the bond. Our minds are too closely linked.”

Leia looks away, shrugging.

“Or he’s gotten into your head, the way Snoke got into his.”

 

Rey stands, suddenly angry.

“ _No_ , Leia. There’s more Light in him now than there has been in years. Luke thought he was gone too, but he saved me. He killed Snoke rather than kill me. He claimed the title of Supreme Leader but he’s already told me their plans.”

“What do you mean, he  _saved_ you? You told us you  _escaped_.”

 

“Well...I did. Technically.”

Leia’s stare is almost too heavy to withstand, but after so much time talking with Ben, she sees where he gets so many of his behaviors. She lifts her chin a little higher, meeting Leia’s eyes.

“Technically.”

 

Leia rolls her eyes.

“All right. Tell me everything.”

 

Hours pass as they talk, Rey recounting everything she can, including her time with Luke and the fight on the  _Supremacy_ , and much of what was discussed during her conversations with Ben.

 

Rey learns quickly that Leia’s humor is not unlike her son’s. They joke and snark about many of the same things, and  it’s easy for Rey to imagine Ben saying things in the same tone she’s hearing from Leia.

“For someone who spent so much time in a mask, he smiles a lot more than I’d expect. It’s usually in smaller gestures, more with his eyes than anything.”

She leaves out details like how she’s learned he almost craves physical contact, or how she’s started to relish it just as much.

 

She absolutely does not mention that his appearance in his training gear had been so...intriguing. The grace he uses when fighting is truly remarkable.

“Watching him train was like… I can’t explain it. It was completely effortless, and incredibly efficient. I’d love to learn how to fight like that, one day.”

 

Leia’s looking at her strangely, and it’s making Rey uneasy.

“Now that you mention it. Why do you think he’s willing to help us? I can see why he’d help  _you_ , with this connection you two share, but I always felt that he had some issue with the New Republic and the Resistance, even before he turned.”

 

Rey chooses to save Ben's frustrations with the Resistance -- and his perception that they kept Leia from being as present as she would have otherwise been -- for another conversation.

“He’s offering intel in exchange for help from us when he needs it.”

“...When he needs it?”

“Yes. He believes that General Hux is going to persuade the rest of the Knights of Ren to help kill him so that Hux himself can rule.”

 

Leia’s stare is unreadable, her eyes set and unblinking, so Rey continues, finding it easier to explain the longer she goes on.

“He says they’re en route to Dinzo now and should arrive within the week. It’s Hux’s intention to restart the Cortosis mine -- he believes to outfit the Knights and possibly an elite squadron of stormtroopers in saber-resistant armor in preparation to move on him.”

 

Leia is still silent, and Rey is growing more uncomfortable by the minute.

“I believe that he likely has a few months at most, if Hux is successful in his endeavor.”

Leia sighs.

“I’ll have to find some way to verify this intel about Dinzo, which unfortunately leaves open the possibility that the First Order will get the mine up and running before we can act.”

 

Rey starts to answer, but Leia cuts her off.

“There’s more to it than that. If...if my son is serious about defecting -- or whatever he’s doing -- he will have to be ready to  _move_ when it’s time. We don’t have the resources for any kind of prolonged assault.”

Rey nods.

“I had an idea about that actually, but I haven’t discussed it with Ben. It would probably be best if he fled to specific coordinates and we collected him there. It’s safest for the Resistance that way. I want to wait to tell him where to go until it's time, for his sake and ours.”

Leia’s gaze is appraising, adding to Rey’s confidence in her plan.

 

“But we can’t take the  _Falcon_. Half the people in the galaxy have heard of its exploits. When it’s time, I’ll need a fighter or a small transport -- either is fine, as long as it has a hyperdrive.”

“Oh, no, that’s out of the question.”

“General?”

Leia huffs.

“ _Leia_ , remember?”

Rey ducks her head and smiles.

“Right.”

 

“Anyway, there’s absolutely no way you’re walking into this alone. I don’t care how much you’ve come to trust him, if it  _can_ go sideways, it will. Take someone like Poe, or Finn.  _Kriff_ , take both if you think you need to. But you aren't going alone.”

Rey looks away.

“Ben has...history with both of them. That may not be the best idea.”

Leia shakes her head, frowning.

“Actually, that makes it even better. They’re going to suspect his every move. A perfect counterpoint to your faith in him.”

 

Rey sighs, nodding.

“Don’t misunderstand me, Rey. I hope you’re right about all this. I can tell that you at least  _believe_ you’re right.”

Leia’s hand on her shoulder is gentle, but the weight of it is great.

“I won’t pretend I don’t want him to come back to us. But it’s been so long, and I don’t know how much more I sorrow I can endure.”

 

Rey nods, standing.

“I”ll speak with Poe and Finn as soon as possible. Ben, too. It may take a few days before I can start coordinating properly.”

Leia shrugs.

“Nothing to worry about there. I have to dig up a contact on Dinzo within the week, so we’re both going to be busy.”

 

Rey smiles at the General, suddenly struck by the urge to hug her.

“Is...is there anything you want me to tell Ben?”

Leia looks down at her hands, rubbing her thumb along the ring on her left hand.

“No. If this works out, I’ll tell him myself.”


	9. Audacious

The  _Finalizer_ is less than a day out from Dinzo when he hears the soft hum that precedes their connection.

 

He's on the command bridge observing so he's unable to do more than glance in her direction, offering a small smile. She seems to know he's unable to interact properly, and nods in return.

 

He summons Hux to the bridge, in part to leave him in charge of operations, but mostly to annoy the other man.

“Supreme Leader, you called?”

“Yes, Hux. Remain on the bridge to ensure nothing is amiss when we emerge from Hyperspace.”

“...That is approximately  _fifteen_ hours from now.”

He resists the urge to sneer at him as he stalks away.

“Indeed it is, General.”

He leaves the bridge and gestures for Rey to follow him as subtly as he can; the halls are full of officers and they can't speak here.

 

It's clear to him that the others cannot see her, and he's grateful for that. It means both that she's safe when visiting him, and also that he doesn't have to share this with anyone.

Doesn't have to share this part of himself, of  _her_ with anyone.

 

They finally make it to his quarters and he quickly sheds his gloves and weighty cloak, laying it over a chair.

He turns to greet her properly and her smile is  _remarkable_. She’s so clearly happy to see him and it's just...it's so much more than he would ever have expected.

“Hi, Ben.”

 

He smiles at her, knowing it's an unimpressive thing, but he wants to give her everything he can.

“I know I just saw you yesterday but...I missed you.”

She smiles again, and he feels like he could live on that alone -- the way his pulse jumps when she smiles at him.

“I missed you too, Ben. Do you have a moment?”

 

He nods.

“Of course. I assume you talked to my mother?”

She sits on the end of his bed, looking up at him.

“Yes. We have part of a plan.”

 

He looks at her skeptically.

“That does not sound promising.”

“It's the best we can do.”

 

He sits beside her, shrugging.

“All right. But...can you tell me about her? And what you discussed? Please. Tell me everything.”

She smiles at him again, twining her fingers with his.

“Of course.”

 

He listens as Rey tells him of his mother. He learns that she's much the way he remembers -- that her wit and humor have not been dimmed by the ever growing weight of grief she must feel. He knows he'll have much to answer for when he sees her again, but it comforts him to know she's even willing to give him another chance, after everything.

Rey leans her head against his shoulder, sighing.

“I did have to tell her the whole truth about what happened on Snoke’s ship, but I think that made her more convinced you're being sincere.”

 

He looks at her sharply.

“What do you mean, ‘the whole truth?’ What had you told them before?”

She shrugs.

“I told them I escaped. It's sort of true, in a way.”

 

He scoffs.

“That's an odd way to put it. You left unimpeded.”

She pulls away from him, withdrawing her hand.

“Oh, hardly.  _You_ tried to stop me leaving. Besides, you lied about what happened, too.”

 

Frowning now, he starts to pace the room.

“No, no, I wanted you to  _stay_. That's not the same thing.”

“How isn't it the same thing? If you wanted me to stay with you so badly, why couldn't you come with me instead?”

 

“What do you think I'm trying to do now? I'm working with you, with the damned  _Resistance,_ for force’s sake, giving them vital intel in exchange for help!”

“To get away from the First Order, not to be with me.”

“How could you think that? What have I ever done to make you think that my goal here isn't to be with you?”

“You've never said that was your purpose in this. You only ever said you need to leave before Hux  _assassinates_ you!”

 

That stops him short. He simply stands there, gaping, the dawning realization that she's  _right._

All these times they've talked through the Force, the comfortable conversation, and even the increasingly frequent physical contact...he's never mentioned wanting to be with her.

 

He crosses back to stand in front of her, placing his hands on her shoulders.

“Rey? Look at me, please.”

Her shoulders are shaking slightly under his hands, and she still won't look at him, so he stoops down to catch her eyes.

 

She's not crying, but it's purely through strength of will, and he  _hates_ that he has a part in how she feels.

“Whatever my other reasons are, my first thought is of you. Without you, I wouldn't think to do this. I wouldn't know where to begin.”

 

As he speaks, she relaxes gradually, her eyes latching on to his.

He sighs heavily, hating that he has her anguish to add to the list of his transgressions.

“After I killed Snoke and we fought together, I thought maybe...we could just leave it all behind. It was the first time in my entire life my mind was totally my own, and the vacuum was deafening. I couldn't think beyond the immediate moment.”

 

She's watching him intently now.

Before all of this he'd have been uncomfortable sharing so much of himself, but with her it's more than easy. It's cathartic, refreshing.

To say these things and know they're true.

 

“As much as I'd still like us to fly off somewhere away from all this… I know it's important that I help defeat the threat I had a hand in making. And I need you to help me do that.”

He steps closer still, trailing his hands down to hold both of hers. Her eyes are searching, and he offers the truest smile he can give.

“It took me too long to realize it, maybe, and I'm sorry, I should have told you so sooner. But I will do  _whatever_ it takes to be able to stand with you, both in this fight and the peace that eventually follows.”

 

It's bold, he knows, but the rush of saying things aloud that he could never have thought before has made him forget how to breathe.

He wills himself steady as he leans down and gently presses a kiss to her forehead.

He hears a small gasp from her, and leans back to look at her face.

 

But then she's gone and his hands close on empty air, and her sudden absence leaves him shaking and worried it was all a mistake.


	10. Friends, Allies, Enemies

It’s been three days since she’d seen him.

 

Three days since he told her that he wanted to be with her.

 

That, yes, he needed to escape the First Order, and to defeat it because he felt responsible for it becoming such a significant threat, but that he wants to be with her at the end of all this.

 

Three days, and she can still feel the touch of his lips on her forehead.

 

She has to keep reminding herself that she knows it wasn’t a dream, that she’d seen the undeniable affection on his face many times since they started talking like this.

But  _hearing_ it said was another thing entirely.

 

She worries, too, about the operation on Dinzo. They had argued about what she’d said to Leia and she never got to tell him the plan they were engineering.

She hopes he’s right that he’s not in any immediate danger and that it will take time for the Cortosis to be mined and crafted into saber-resistant armor.

 

She sighs, deciding to go ahead and explain the mission to her friends. Leia had been adamant that she not go alone, but she also knows success is more likely with their help than without it.

She wanders into the Resistance hangar, seeking out her friends to discuss their part of the plan. She’d talked with Leia about how much to reveal to Finn and Poe, but ultimately she accepted that being direct would be best.

It would undoubtedly go badly for everyone if she didn’t reveal who they were rescuing, given the unpleasant experiences they’d each had with Ben in the past.

 

Chirping beeps catch her attention, and BB-8 speeds toward her.

_Jedi Rey is looking for Poe?_

She laughs, kneeling down to speak more closely to the little astromech.

“Yes, and Finn, if they’re around. Can you help me find them?”

 

BB-8 trills and rolls away, and Rey follows.

_Poe and Finn are painting my new ship!_

Rey laughs at the image of Poe being the copilot and not the other way around.

“Ferrosphere paint again?”

 

BB-8 chirps an affirmative.

 _New design on the wings!_ Black One  _needs Ferrosphere paint to be_ Black One.

“Fair enough.”

 

They make their way toward  _Black One_ , catching snippets of conversation before getting near enough to see the two men.

“Oh, what if we--”

“Yeah, yeah, go with that, I like it.”

“Alright I'm gonna block this out with the stencil. You grab the...Rey?!”

 

Finn swings down from the wing he's painting, rushing to wrap her up in a hug. Poe comes around the nose of the fighter to join them, and Rey has to wave at him from within Finn's rib - crushing embrace.

Finn pulls back from her, his face lit up with his smile.

“I feel like we haven't seen you in ages. How have you been?”

“Good, actually. Went back to Ahch-To for some lightsaber components, but I've been here at the base for about two weeks, I think. You two were scouting for the General?”

 

Poe starts to speak, but BB-8 beeps insistently to get his attention.

_Jedi Rey needs Finn and Poe for a mission!_

Poe looks from the droid back to Rey with a puzzled expression on his face.

“Leia didn't mention anything about a mission. What kind of mission?”

 

Once again, Rey really only has one way to describe the situation.

“It's...complicated. Is there somewhere less public where we can speak?”

Finn nods, waving for her to follow.

“Sure. There's an officer's conference room that goes unused because the holocomm is broken. Rose says we don't really need two of them anyway.”

 

Rey smiles at the memory of the ingenious mechanic.

“How is Rose, by the way?”

Finn grins at her.

“Oh, she’s great. She’s been simultaneously repairing and upgrading anything she can get her hands on lately.  Our comms have a wider range now, and BB-8 has one of those cool saw blade tools like R2.”

 

Poe snorts.

“Yeah, I’m still not sure how I feel about that.”

_The saw is useful for helping with repairs!_

“Okay, alright, I hear you.”

 

The unused conference room is small and dusty, but perfect for their conversation -- if everyone on the base knows the holocomm is broken, no one will bother them.

BB-8 chirps excitedly.

_Jedi Rey can tell us the mission parameters now._

 

Rey hesitates even now, looking at her friends’ faces. She knows this mission will help her, Ben, and Leia...but the Resistance?

She realizes she doesn’t even know if most of the others on the base know that the Supreme Leader is their beloved General’s lost son.

She sighs, lifting herself to sit on the edge of the holoprojector.

“I need your help, and I need you to trust me.”

 

Finn and Poe are both looking at her oddly, now, and it’s only adding to her anxiety over all this. It’s one thing to admit you have an inexplicable connection to someone who should be your enemy, but another entirely to know your feelings for that person are part of your motivation for helping them defect.

She decides it’s easiest, as usual, to be direct.

“I need your help to rescue Ben Solo.”

Poe frowns.

“Wait…but isn’t he…”

Finn holds up a hand, interrupting him.

“Absolutely  _kriffing_ not.”

 

He slams the door on his way out.

BB-8 looks hesitantly between Rey and the door, before rolling out of the room after Finn.

Poe shrugs, apologetic, and follows.

 

She lingers in the empty conference room.

She'd thought they would be reluctant, but outright refusal never even entered her mind.

They hadn't even given her a chance to explain.

 

She fights back tears, suddenly overcome with sadness. Without her friends’ help, how could she possibly rescue Ben?

“Ah, Rey? What are you doing in here? The holocomm doesn't even...wait, are you okay?”

Rey looks up to see Rose hovering in the doorway. She wipes her face quickly and offers a half-hearted smile.

“Yeah, just...having trouble getting a mission underway.”

 

Rose tilts her head, her eyes searching Rey's face.

“That seems like an odd thing to cry about. Have you talked to Finn? Or Poe? They just got back from Gatalenta with Leia a few days ago but they're always hoping for another mission.”

Rey shrugs.

“I went to them first. The answer was a resounding  _no_. I didn't even get to tell them everything.”

 

Rose frowns.

“That's not like those two. Finn especially has been complaining about having to wait around for the next one.”

Rey opens her mouth to explain what she thinks she can share, but Rose's hand closes around hers.

“Come on. I'm going to make them listen.”

 

Rose insistently tugs her back to the hangar, where once again BB-8 greets them.

_Jedi Rey wants Finn and Poe again?_

Rose leans down to address the droid.

“ _Jedi Rey_ has an important mission for them and this time they're going to listen to her. Can you tell them that for me?”

 _Yes! Meet us at_ Black One!

 

BB-8 zooms away, leaving a rather smug Rose behind with Rey.

“Rose, are you sure this is a good idea? It doesn't seem right to push.”

“They should a least listen to the whole plan before they refuse. They owe you that.”

Rey smiles, hoping she'll still believe that after hearing everything.

 

Finn's shout echoes throughout the small hangar.

“Oh, no. I don't care that we didn't listen to the whole plan. I'm not risking myself or anyone to save that damn nerve burner!”

Rey looks sideways at Rose as they approach.

“I did warn you.”

 

Rose frowns and walks faster.

Poe voice reaches them just before they come around the last fighter. Rey puts a hand on Rose's shoulder, and they both wait behind the nose, listening.

“Look, I don't like him either. I'd sooner space him than save him. But something must have changed if Rey is planning a rescue mission.”

“Poe, I don't care. If he has somehow convinced Rey that he needs saving, then he's in her head or something. He's obviously gotten to her enough for her to call him _Ben Solo_.”

 

Rey looks at Rose and smiles sadly.

“See? Finn won't listen. And Poe will take his side over mine; he barely knows me.”

“Yeah, and I barely know you, too. But I know you won't knowingly lead your friends into something that will get them hurt.”

“Of course I wouldn't! But I can't do this mission alone, either. Leia won't let me, and I doubt I could manage it anyway.”

 

Poe’s face comes around the end of the ship.

“Leia knows about this? And she's in favor of it?”

Finn appears at his shoulder, still frowning, and Rey nods. Rose puts a hand on her shoulder for encouragement.

“She insisted I take one or both of you because you'd never trust him. And I know you have your reasons for that.”

 

She steps closer to them and speaks as quietly as possible.

“But he  _killed Snoke_ , to get away from him at last, and to save me. He fought by my side to defeat Snoke's guards. He now believes that Hux is going to try to kill him and take power. I plan to rescue him before that happens.”

She shrugs at them, smiling sadly.

“He's offering every shred of intelligence he has in exchange for our help, which you know has to be significant.”

 

Rey looks at her friends. Rose is nodding now, and Poe seems to understand.

Finn's scowl is still fixed in place, so Rey speaks to him directly.

“He deserves a chance to fight the First Order. He said he wants to help defeat the threat he helped create. You don't have to trust him. I won't ask you to do that. But I need you to trust  _me._ ”

 

BB-8 beeps at her.

_The General trusts Jedi Rey. Finn and Poe trust Jedi Rey. Jedi Rey trusts Ben Solo. Finn and Poe do not. The mission is to save Ben Solo despite his untrustworthiness?_

Rey nods at the little astromech, who trills in response.

_Risky._

 

Poe drags at hand through his hair.

“Alright, but I have to know. How exactly have you been in contact with the Supreme Leader of the First Order?”

Rose steps back, hands held in front of her.

 

 

 

“Wait a second. The General’s son is  _Kylo kriffing Ren_? That is...not good.”

Rey nods slowly, knowing Rose is right.

“That’s why she hasn’t told everyone.”

 

Rose looks around at everyone.

“You all knew this?”

Finn grumbles in response.

“Rey and I were there when he killed his father. We put the rest together. Poe knew before even we did because he’s part of the emerging leadership of the Resistance.”

 

Poe mutters at that, contradicting gently.

"No, I... I met him when we were younger. Leia asked me to keep it quiet, but so many people know, now."

 

Rose sighs, her expression pinched.

“That’s a big secret to keep all these years.”

 

Rey looks away from them, knowing she has to tell them the truth despite her discomfort. “When the New Republic senate found out she was Darth Vader’s daughter, she was greatly distrusted. With all the work she and Han and Luke did for the Rebellion, she knew that people knowing Ben had gone to the dark side as well could shake even the foundation of the New Republic itself. No one would trust her ever again, if they knew the truth.”

Finn scoffs at that. He’s still frowning and she thinks he’ll probably keep frowning until the mission is complete and she proves she’s right.

“And then he ordered the attack that destroyed the New Republic, so why not tell everyone now?”

“No, he didn’t. That was Snoke, and Hux. He argued against it, and he wasn’t even on Starkiller when it fired.”

“Doesn’t mean he tried to stop them.”

“That’s what he’s doing  _now_ , Finn. That’s why he’s working with me. Working with  _us_.”

 

Poe coughs uncomfortably.

“Glad to hear he’s uh...coming around? But, still gotta know how you know all this… It doesn’t add up, Rey.”

“We're connected. Through the Force.”

 

Finn steps toward her, his movements stiff.

“I'm sorry, what?”

“It's...called a Force Bond.”

Poe looks at her incredulously.

“Gotta be honest, that sounds made up.”

 

Rose tilts her head to one side, then the other as she thinks.

“How does that even work? Like comms without tech?”

Rey only shrugs, throwing her hands up in frustration. Even she doesn't know how it really  _works_ or what caused it.

“Sort of? When the connection is open, we can see each other, and speak. Sometimes I can tell where he is or what he's doing. Seems the same on my end. Other voices come through but it's like listening through transparisteel.”

 

Finn holds a hand out in front of himself.

“Are you actually telling me that bastard can  _see_ into our base?!”

BB-8 chirps in alarm.

_Risky!_

 

Her friends all look at her oddly, and she starts to step back from them, suddenly very concerned.

“No, it's not like that…”

Poe interrupts, shaking his head in disbelief

“Rey, that is a massive threat to the security of the Resistance. What has he seen?”

“Nothing! Every time he's ‘visited’ I was in my quarters or offworld. I've seen more of his ship than he's seen of this base. He doesn't even know what planet we're on. I would  _never_ endanger all of you.”

“Not knowingly, sure.”

 

Finn's expression is cold and angry.

Objectively, she knows they're right.

But she hasn't been  _objective_ about this whole situation in months.

 

Rose sighs beside her.

“There has to be some way to verify this intel. What has he told you?”

“The First Order is preparing a mining operation on Dinzo. They'll be there now. The General was already sending someone to observe discreetly.”

 

Finn frowns again.

“Why Dinzo? The Empire shut that down decades ago.”

Rose gasps.

“They're making specialized armor lined with Cortosis, right? Oh hell, that is not good. For...Ben, or for you.”

 

Rey looks at her oddly, only just seeing the issue.

“So if they succeed, even if Ben and I fight the Knights together...we might lose.”

 

She stands a little taller, looking at her friends.

“Listen, when he can, Ben’s going to make a run for it to an independent system. Hopefully one in the western reaches, or past the outer rim. When he’s sure he’s clear, we’ll collect him and bring him to another Resistance base -- one we know is safe, but that isn’t manned. I’ll just...get him to steal some of the Cortosis for our use. The Knights may have lightsabers.”

 

 

She stands a little taller, looking at her friends.

“Listen, when he can, Ben’s going to make a run for it to an independent system. Hopefully one in the western reaches, or past the outer rim. When he’s sure he’s clear, we’ll collect him and bring him to another Resistance base -- one we know is safe, but that isn’t manned. I’ll just...get him to steal some of the Cortosis for our use. The Knights may have lightsabers.”

 

Poe shakes his head at her.

“I don't like this. I need to talk to Leia.”

Rey sighs, suddenly overwhelmingly tired.

“She already knows everything, but I understand if you have reservations. I need to go try to reach Ben. I didn’t get to tell him the whole plan, before.”

 

Finn steps forward.

“You’re really serious about this, aren’t you?”

She nods, smiling sadly, and Finn just sighs again.

Rose puts her hand on her arm.

“He means a lot to you, I can tell. We’ll help you.”

 

BB-8 trills at her.

_Risky, but important to Jedi Rey. A worthwhile cause._

Poe nods at the droid.

“Yeah. We’re in.”

 

Rose nudges Finn's shoulder, and he rolls his eyes in response.

Finally, Finn scoffs.

“You're doing this with or without us, aren't you?”

Rey nods at him, fighting back tears at the swell of emotion her friends have stirred.

 

He groans, but then pulls her in tightly for a hug.

“Alright, I’ll come with you. Someone has to keep an eye on you guys.”


	11. Haze

The Force brings her to him when he's on his third glass of Whyren’s, because  _of course_ it would.

 

“Oh, stars above. I've  _missed_ you, Rey.”

It had been long enough that he’d convinced himself she wasn’t coming back, and after his... admission, confession, declaration... he couldn’t face that.

So here he is, on the floor leaning against his bed, having had entirely too much of the expensive alcohol that had been one of his father’s favorites.

 

Rey makes an odd sound and crosses his room quickly and sits on her knees in front on him.

“Ben, what are you  _doing_?”

He looks at her sideways, lifting his near-empty glass.

“Drinking. You were  _gone_. Again.”

 

He looks back at the whiskey and frowns at how little is left in the tumbler.

He doesn’t remember where he put the bottle before he sat down.

 

He hears Rey scoff quietly.

“I wasn’t  _gone_. I’ve been waiting for  _days_ to tell you about the plan. You know we have no control over our connection.”

He squints at her. He’s not sure if he believes that.

But, she’s here  _now_.

Surely that must count for something?

 

He leans his head back against the bed and stares at the wall.

“Hm. We should consider doing this on purpose.”

She shifts to sit beside him.

“We really should. Maybe we could coordinate.”

He laughs at that.

“ _Coordinate._ Because I’m so very good at working with people.”

 

Her elbow nudges his ribs and he’s laughing  _again_.

He thinks maybe he should drink more often.

She hums quietly.

 _Contentedly, maybe_.

“You work with me just fine, I think.”

“You're not people. You're  _Rey_.”

That makes her laugh and then he's laughing, too.

_Is this what it's like for everyone else?_

 

She leans her head against his right shoulder, and he absolutely does not suddenly wonder what her hair smells like.

Except maybe he does, a little.

_Oh, what if…_

He gasps quietly and she turns to look at him again.

She smiles and he’s caught yet again by the brilliance of her. He smiles back at her, wishing not for the first time they could stay just like this.

 

He drops his forehead onto her shoulder.

“Wait right here.”

“I’m not going anywhere, Ben. I promise.”

He exhales slowly and nods, his head still resting on her shoulder.

“Alright.”

 

He leans away from the bed, stretching his back to grip his ankles and groaning when his joints pop. Then he plants his hands on the floor to turn counterclockwise and lift himself away from Rey.

He looks over his shoulder at Rey’s skeptical face.

“Just...just one second.”

 

One last barely dignified scoot to move a tiny bit further away from her, then he slowly leans back to rest his head gently in her lap.

He sighs and grins at her. She’s smirking at him, her hands hovering at shoulder level while she decides what to do.

It makes him laugh again.

 

Everything's soft at the edges and his fingertips tingle a bit.

He reaches his right hand up to grab her left, twining the fingers and pulling their hands back down onto his chest.

Her thumb slides along his own and he hums quietly, shutting his eyes.

 

He can feel himself drifting off to sleep.

He’s warm from the alcohol and comfortable and he feels… serene, maybe.

 

Ben dreams of the _Falcon_.

 

The blue of hyperspace illuminates the cockpit, glinting off the dice strung overhead.

He’s in the pilot’s seat, though he can’t remember why, or where they’re going.

He's dressed in slim cut pants and a looser shirt, belted at the waist. Curious.

 

He checks all the controls, ensuring their course is set -- wherever it leads -- and wanders out of the cockpit and down the access tunnel.

A noise off to his left draws his attention. It sounds almost like a welding torch. Someone tinkering near the escape pods? They’re in hyperspace, that’s a terrible idea.

 

He walks through the corridor, and whatever the sound is, he seems no closer to it.

By the time he reaches the escape pods, it sounds like it’s coming from the crew quarters.

When he nears the crew quarters, the sound is near the dorsal gun.

 

He rounds the corner near the gunwell and sees that the dejarik table is on. But why?

 

He realizes then that he’s made a near-complete circuit of the ship, and aside from these phantom noises, he seems to be alone.

 

That doesn’t make sense.

Where is everyone?

He drags a hand through his shaggy hair as he thinks.

Mother is on Chandrila.

Father is on the _Falcon_ again.

But he’s not here.

 

And what about Chewie and Uncle Luke?

R2 should be here as well. Threepio would be with Mother.

 

Something’s not right.

 

He hears that odd sound coming from the cockpit, and now he’s not sure if he’s scared or angry. Perhaps both.

Whoever this is, they’re on his father’s ship. If he’s the only one here to deal with it, then so be it.

 

There’s a blaster stashed under the end seat at the dejarik table. It’s been there since that mess in Irudiru, and it will serve him well now.

 

He holds the blaster ready and stalks his way back down the access corridor as quietly as possible.

He leans against the wall just outside the cockpit door. The noise he’d heard is gone now, and instead he hears breathing, raspy and quiet.

He breathes slowly, once, twice. Inhales, and peeks around the corner.

 

The figure in the cockpit is as tall as he is, dressed in a heavily woven black tunic. A helmet obscures the man’s face but, something...something is familiar and he feels everything start to spin.

 

His head _aches_ and he feels like his heart is being cleaved in two.

Suddenly everything is bathed in red light and--

 

 

“Sshhh, Ben, it’s okay. Hey, Ben. Ben? Look at me.”

He’s clenching his jaw in pain and he can’t breathe as his eyes search the ceiling.

Rey’s face comes into view and he the sight of her hovering above him snaps everything back into focus.

 

He carefully loosens the grip he has on her, but she gently squeezes his hand and doesn’t let go.

She’s still mumbling quiet nonsense as he blinks the tears from his eyes.

 

He’d… oh, damn everything.

He can still feel his own saber as it blazed in his chest.

He feels like the only thing keeping his heart where it belongs is his and Rey’s joined hands.

 

“It feels like I killed him again. And again, and again. I see his shocked forgiveness behind my eyelids every night. It’s horrifying but I’ve come to accept it as penance.”

He squeezes his eyes shut again.

“But this? I _felt_ it this time. I felt my own lightsaber rip through my heart, and leave behind nothing but hollowness. What if I can’t do this? What if every time I face my mother I have to feel this searing emptiness in my heart?”

 

He opens his eyes again, and she’s so sad he feels like he’s dying all over again.

 

She smiles at him, and it lacks its usual brilliance but right now he’ll accept any scrap of kindness she’s willing to give.

 

“I’m so sorry, Ben. I’m sorry you felt like you had to do that. And I’m sorry to have to face it forever.”

The tears work their way free at last, and he covers his face with his free hand.

 

“But I already told you. I’m not going anywhere, alright?”

Her hand starts gently carding through his hair, and _stars_ it feels wonderful but he knows he isn’t worth all this.

 

An echo of a memory of a voice drifts through his head.

_You’re a monster._

 

He wishes he hadn’t dug out that old whiskey, now. He’d been lonely and sentimental when he acquired it, and then again today when retrieving it from his cabinet.

“No, Rey. I’m sorry. I missed you and I thought you were gone, but now you’re here and I’m… _drunk_ and _crying_ and you never asked for any of this.”

 

“Ben, please look at me. Please. Come on, sit up. I want to look at you properly when I tell you this.”

 

He grumbles but lets her help lift him upright, then carefully turns to face her.

At first he looks up at her without really raising his head, but her expression is so kind, so he meets her gaze.

 

She lifts both hands and slides them through his hair, and he has to resist the urge to actually  _purr_ like someone’s pet tooka.

He can tell from the insistent way she’s looking at him that this will be important.

“Alright. Are you listening this time? I need you to hear me when I say this.”

He scrunches his face up at her, but then nods.

 

“I _want_ you here with me. That delightful noise you make when you can’t stop yourself from laughing. The way you smile at me sometimes with only your eyes. Or how you’re here when I need you.”

 

He’s afraid to speak and interrupt whatever it is that’s happening. He doesn’t know what to call the emotion he’s seeing on her face, but he thinks he might have known the word once. He can feel it on the tip of his tongue, but it eludes him.

 

“But this is the important part. I want _all_ of you. Your nightmares, grief, trauma. The electric current of your emotions. Your anger, depression, hope and love.”

 

He’s crying again, frantically searching her face for the deception he’s been taught to expect.

 

She leans forward to rest her forehead against his, their faces a breath apart.

“Every _kriffing_ piece, Ben Solo. Every last one.”

 

She smiles at him and it’s like something deep inside him clicks back into place.

 


	12. Illuminate

Rey sets the finished hilt on her desk, admiring her work.

 

She knows from reading that saber construction is meant to be done entirely with the Force, but it hadn’t felt right. So much of her new blade was crafted from materials of importance to her fate-found companions, and she wanted to honor that in every part of the construction process, and so manually created many of the elements.

She had hand-carved the casing from a charred piece of the Uneti tree from Ahch-to. The polished metal of the emitter shrouds made from a console panel in the _Falcon_. Rose and BB-8 had helped find little embellishments for the activators, and most of the internal components had come from Luke’s old lightsaber or from his hut on the island.

The weapon looks simple, but she knows it will be perfect for her.

 

She feels the insistent hum of their bond and turns to see Ben sitting on the end of her bed, smiling softly.

“You finished it?”

She nods and walks to him, wondering how much he remembered of their last conversation. He’d been fairly drunk, after all.

She hopes he remembers every word. She’d meant what she said.

 

She steps close and slides one hand into his hair. He inhales sharply and she starts to pull away, but he closes his hand around her wrist before she can, holding her in place.

She smiles anxiously.

“Sorry. I won’t do it, if you don’t want me to.”

His head shakes under her hand.

“No, it’s fine. Just...need time to get used to this, that’s all.”

She nods and continues combing his hair with her fingers.

 

He smiles at her again, and her breath catches at the sight of it.

She’s watched over these months as Ben has gradually come back to himself. She’ll never really know what it was like for him, having Snoke in his head his entire life, twisting every emotion and manipulating every decision, even before he truly fell to the Dark side.

She had been alone on Jakku, and fought for every second of her life. Scavenging is the pitiable existence, and she knows she’ll always be angry at her parents for leaving her behind in that wasteland.

But it’s not the same as what he’d experienced. She knows that.

She doesn’t think he’ll ever be the paragon of light his family had wanted him to be, but does he really need to be? As long as he’s  _whole_ and  _alive_ , that’s enough for her.

And really, if she’s being honest with herself, she’s coming to accept she isn’t the perfect image of a Jedi either. She lets her friends in the Resistance see her however they like, if it inspires them.

 

Ben’s soft hum shakes her from her thoughts, and she laughs quietly.

“You really like this, don’t you?”

He looks briefly embarrassed, but nods all the same.

“Now that I know I’ll have to try to do it more often.”

She steps closer to him, her free hand coming up into his hair as well.

 

He chuckles then, making her smile. He looks up at her without moving his head, clearly trying not to smile too widely.

She feels his hand come up to rest at her waist, and she laughs again, leaning to rest her forehead against his as she’d done the night before.

“You’re being very nice to someone who drank too much and used you as a pillow…”

Her eyes dart to his.

“You remember, then?”

“Yes.”

 

“All of it?”

“You mean the part where you said you want me here with you? Yes, Rey. I could never forget that.”

She stares down at him, her hands stilling, and smiles softly.

“Good.”

 

She lets them linger like that for a few minutes, simply sharing each other’s space.

Finally, she withdraws her hands from his hair, reaching down to move his hands from her waist as well.

He starts to protest, but she nudges him to shift to one side on her bed so she can sit as well, closely enough that their shoulders still touch.

“We need to talk about your ‘escape’, Ben.”

 

He scoffs, smirking.

“We could have talked about that without moving, before… but you’re right. Hux hasn’t been trying to get under my skin lately, so he’s certainly scheming.”

She nods.

“Rose pointed out something I’m surprised we didn’t consider: if Hux can sway the Knights and outfits them with the modified armor, they’ll have an added defense even when we fight them together.”

 

“I’m ashamed to admit I never considered that. I don’t know who Rose is, but I think I like her.”

Rey smiles.

“She’s kind of a genius. But...she knows we’re trying to help the  _supreme leader_ defect, so her opinion of you might be skewed.”

 

“Wait...my mother’s plan involves more than just you?”

Now it’s her turn to scoff at him.

“She basically said I can’t go without backup. It started out as Finn and Poe because they won’t trust you.”

He nods in approval.

“That does sound like something she would suggest.”

 

“But when I tried to tell them I was going to help  _you_ , Finn refused. Rose helped me convince them that it’s important, at least to me. So now Rose, Poe, Finn, and BB-8 will be coming with me.”

He looks sideways at her.

“A whole entourage to keep you safe. I know they’re coming along in case I’m deceiving you, but I’m glad you have so many people on your side.”

 

She leans her head on his shoulder.

“They’ll come to see you like I do, Ben. One day.”

His fingers twine with hers as he sighs.

“Even if they don’t, as long as I have you, I can get by just fine. It’s ridiculous to expect everyone to see past my sins.”

 

She prods his arm with her free hand.

“I’m not ‘seeing past them,’ Ben. Your past and imperfections are part of you, same as mine.”

“Alright, Rey. Alright. What’s the rest of the plan?”

“We'll have you to meet us in an independent system, somewhere out of the way. I'll make the arrangements and tell you where when it's time. Then we’ll pick you up and head to an unmanned base under our control until the General gives us the clear to bring to back here.”

 

Ben laughs suddenly.

“‘The General’? I’m sure she hates that.”

Then she’s laughing too.

“I think she does. She corrects me every time. Insists I call her Leia.”

 

He hums quietly.

“It’s a good plan. It should work out if I can get away before the Cortosis lined armor is produced. Maybe I can even delay Hux a little, here and there.”

 

“Actually, there’s one thing that could prove to be a problem. We need you to steal some of the mined Cortosis when you leave, so that we can make our own armor with it.”

His hand squeezes hers.

“I can try. It could be tricky, but I’ll try.”

 

They stay like that, sitting on the end of her bed, for a while. She relishes every soft, comfortable moment, knowing that soon they’ll have to work for every second.

“Oh, I’d almost forgotten.”

She lifts her head from his shoulder so she can look at him properly.

“Forgotten what?”

 

He smirks at her, reminding her briefly of Han. She’ll never get used to that.

“You promised to let me see the finished saber. Since it’s done…”

She squeezes his hand, then stands to cross the room.

 

She lifts her saberstaff hilt from its resting place on her desk and turns to face him.

His expression is patient, but eager, his eyes tracing the lines of the casing.

 

She grips the hilt with both hands, her thumbs brushing first one activator, then the other.

One end is a tranquil, steady blue; the other a warm, vibrant red.

But near the hilt, by a trick of the light, both blades shone with a purplish halo.

 

Ben gasps, looking from the weapon back to her face.

“It’s exquisite, Rey. You did beautifully.”


	13. Considering

He's starting to worry about their plan.

 

The mining on Dinzo has so far yielded better results than even Hux had hoped for, allowing them to have spare sets of the strengthened armor to be manufactured.

Ben had ordered some of the armor made for himself as well, despite insistence from Hux that the Supreme Leader ‘need not fight on the front lines.’ He'd explained, menacingly and with the smallest Force-applied pressure, that he had never sat back and simply observed the fighting before, and that Hux would be well suited to tend to his own business. The General had somehow scowled even deeper than usual as he left.

Then later he'd sent instructions to Mitaka to have an entire crate of the new armor sent to the Pantoran moon. He'll arrange to have it transferred a few times before he tells the Resistance where to find it.

 

The former throne room aboard the  _Finalizer_ was less dramatic than the one on the  _Supremacy._ None of the red draperies, it had unadorned transparisteel walls looking out along the nose of the great ship. Where Snoke’s throne room had been bloody opulence, Ben favored a simpler aesthetic and had chosen to recreate the space into an office instead.

He needs to keep an eye on Hux in any case, and if that means sitting at a desk and reading reports from datapads, so be it.

 

The General has sent his list of planets to consider for the revival of Imperial-era mining operations, planets that need more Stormtroopers, recommendations for new research developments…and the one he’d been counting on: the list of planets to consider claiming for the First Order.

Most are Republic systems, and many of that number had been Imperial-controlled or even sympathetic worlds. Those planets are ones where they would likely encounter the least resistance among the populace, he knows.

But the very short list of independent systems vexes him.

 

_Carida, Thustra, Sibensko, Pion… Surely there must be more?_

What if Hux is withholding information and knows he’s planning to defect?

He paces the room, trying to keep his breathing under control.

 

What if when he passes these details on to Rey and the Resistance, he's sending them into a trap?

If he has a hand in getting his mother's people killed, they'll never accept him among them. The chances of that are low enough already, but he hopes to prove himself to them.

By providing intel gathered from Hux’s reports.

He runs his hands through his hair and groans.

 

If he betrays them, even unwittingly, there's the possibility that Rey would reject him for good. Or worse, that the Resistance would cast her out for her ties to him.

He can't let that happen. He can't let his connection to her be her downfall.

 

He thinks, briefly, that maybe they should try to sever the Force Bond, but that simple fleeting thought has him reeling and nauseous.

No, that's...not an option.

He drops heavily into his chair, holding his face in his hands.

He'll just have to make sure every shred of intel he shares is irrefutable and correct up to the moment he leaves the First Order.

He picks up the datapad with the list of planets to annex, editing the data to include three more: Rintonine, Anoth, and Daalang. Fairly inconsequential worlds that Hux will undoubtedly scoff at including, but Ben will simply  _make_ the General obey his orders.

 

He sets the datapad aside, sighing heavily.

For what must be the hundredth time, he thinks there has to be a better way to do all of this. He hadn’t planned on becoming Supreme Leader; the idea of killing Snoke was an impulse he’d been rid of ages ago, until his father had come to Starkiller Base…

 

The Galactic Republic had certainly gone about this the wrong way in the decades leading up to its demise. An entire senate filled with people who had worked their way into their positions by dishonorable methods, representing worlds that only flourished if they had something to offer, and guarded by an organization of religious warriors who failed to see the decay among themselves until it was too late.

The Empire itself failed by overreaching. Rising from the ashes of the Republic and destroying the Separatists at the same time, the Empire kept the Senate in place until the completion of the Death Star; but the planets themselves felt Palpatine’s grip immediately. Worlds like Ryloth, Gorse, and Samovar were beaten into submission or mined until they were inhospitable husks.

Nothing but unsustainable practices.

 

He sighs again. Much of his perspective on Galactic history has been skewed by Snoke’s influence over the years, he knows.

He thinks about what he’d seen in the New Republic senate meetings with his mother. The senators had argued often -- needlessly, he’d thought at the time -- but he considers that they were taking steps toward a more balanced system before all the chaos.

The so-called Centrists tried too hard to emulate the Empire, and would have burned everything down in an effort to maintain a semblance of control. He finds he believes it was the New Republic choosing to ignore Imperial remnants, coupled with Centrist ideologies that allowed the First Order to evolve into the behemoth it became.

The Populists, who preferred planetary sovereignty, had chosen his mother as their ‘First Senator’ until the truth about Vader had spread. She would never have wanted the position, not truly, but she’d have been an excellent figurehead. His younger self had frequently resented his mother for her political work, particularly as his father had been gone for longer and longer periods.

 

With all the tumultuous events that happened around the same time, he can’t help feeling he would never have been able to resist Snoke forever, even if his uncle hadn’t tried to kill him in his sleep that night.

Ben forces himself to breathe slowly through the memory of his hut bathed in green light. He wonders what Luke eventually told Leia about what happened, but fears she still doesn't know the truth.

But then...what if that’s just another moment in his life tainted by perspective?

 

He groans, dropping his head against the back of his chair. How long will it be before he has the whole picture of his own life? How many choices has he made from a position of ignorance?

He leans on one hand on his desk, thinking he’ll have to discuss all this with his mother when this is all over. He’ll insist on her honesty by offering his own.

He laughs. That will be quite a spectacle.

 

He shakes himself from his brooding attitude and decides if he can’t make himself read any more datapads, he should at least try to learn how to reach out to Rey as they’d discussed.

He heads back to his quarters, choosing to practice in his training room. They’d been unsuccessful so far, but Rey had suggested trying as often as possible, comparing it to learning the layout of flight controls, which made him smile.

He sees a lone Stormtrooper watching him as he walks by, halting him in his tracks. When the ‘trooper draws himself up sharply and marches away, Ben feels his expression settle back into its usual neutrality and realizes he’d been smiling as he walked.

Little wonder the soldier had been startled. It’s been an adjustment for everyone for him to simply be unmasked. And now on top of that, he’s smiling in the halls of the  _Finalizer_.

He snorts and resumes his walk, smiling again.

 

He manages to make it back to his quarters without disturbing anyone else along the way, and drops his cloak and gloves onto the end of his bed. He sheds his boots and his heavier belted tunic as well, leaving something closer to his training gear. This mental exercise won’t require that much movement, but he’d rather be able to sit comfortably.

He makes it nearly to the door of his training room, but then pauses and goes back for his saber, studying it as he wanders onto to the open floor. He traces the raised lines of the back of the hilt, which kept the shape of his old lightsaber from before. He doesn’t know if he’ll remake it again the way he did when he joined Snoke.

That he can look past the exposed wiring and ragged edges of this saber to see what it had once been, and still see what it is now… it makes him hopeful.

He’s still getting used to having hope and not forcing it down where it can’t be seen.

 

He kneels in the center of the room and sets his saber on the floor beside him. Then he shuts his eyes, slowing his breathing.

_Rey, please._

He imagines Rey there with him on the  _Finalizer_. Sees himself standing beside her in her quarters with the Resistance. Remembers how perfectly they’d fought together on the  _Supremacy_. Pictures them together in some idyllic future.

_...Please._

Again and again he thinks of her, and of himself standing with her. Each time he carefully envisions them  _together_.

 

“...Ben?”


	14. Even

She inhales slowly, igniting the blue blade of her saber.

 

BB-8’s startled bleep makes her smile.

_A different hue than before! Elegant._

Poe, Finn, and Rose all nod in appreciation from their seats along the hangar wall. Rose even claps in excitement.

 

Finn sits up a little taller, examining the saber.

“Why is the hilt so long?”

Rey smirks, glancing down at her hands. Rather than reply to her friend, she thumbs the second activator.

Shocked noises come from each of them, and she knows the picture she must paint.

 

She'd said she wanted to become something  _new_ , and she meant it. The crystals within her saberstaff are simply an outward representation of the Force within her. Within everything.

She stands, bathed in blue and red light, listening as they react to her new weapon, their words washing over her in waves.

“Where did you get the red crystal?”

“Why red?”

“Why not just make a regular saber with the blue crystal?”

“Or find a second blue crystal?”

“The red is gonna throw people.”

 

She works her way through the saber forms she learned from the Jedi texts, then falls back on the training routine she’d made up with her staff years ago.

She focuses on her footwork, knowing it’s her weakest point, and eventually their voices fade away.

Blue, red, red, blue.

The hum-whir envelops her as the colors blur together and she finds that place of balance within herself.

 

Finally she lowers her saber and deactivates both blades, her breath coming quickly from the exertion.

She turns to look back where her friends are seated, having faced away from them as she trained, and is caught off-guard by what she sees.

“...Ben?”

 

He’s kneeling before her, eyes closed, hair falling in his face, with his hands on his thighs. She notices he’s barefoot and dressed only in his pants and undershirt, his saber resting on the ground beside him.

His eyes snap open when he hears her voice, instantly happy to see her as he stands quickly.

“It worked? Oh  _stars_ it worked!”

She frowns in confusion, looking him over.

“What worked? Wait… you were able to reach me on purpose?!”

 

She sees him suppress another smile as he nods.

“I wasn’t sure it was working, it took so long before I heard you.”

“Well I was training, actually. I’m not sure how long you were here before I turned around.”

 

She clips her saber on her belt, then kneels to pick his up off the floor.

She hears footsteps and looks up to see Finn standing only a couple of steps behind Ben, his eyes fixed on the saber in her hand, and it’s only then that she realizes she can really  _feel_ the weight of the hilt.

Finn shouldn’t even be able to see it, but he’s clearly staring at it.

 

Ben looks from her face to her hand, then turns to glance over his shoulder. He squints, tilting his head, and prowls to stand behind her. She feels his breath against her neck as he leans in to whisper.

“Rey, why can he see my lightsaber?”

She turns her head slightly.

“You can see him?”

He nods.

So does Finn.

 

Poe and Rose are approaching cautiously, their eyes darting between each of them. BB-8 keeps behind Poe’s legs like a skittish pet.

Rose holds both hands out in front of her, placating.

“Right. This is weird. But as long as no one gets upset, I’m sure we’ll be fine. Right, Rey?”

 

Rey feels Ben start to shift behind her, and reaches back to grab his wrist. She clips his saber on her belt beside her own and nods at Rose.

“I swear to all of you right now, Ben won’t do anything except in defense while he’s here.”

Ben’s hand shifts in her grip so that he’s holding on to her as well.

 

Finn scoffs.

“If you think for a second that means I’m going to  _relax_ , you’re all out of your mind. I trust you, Rey, but it’s going to be a long time before I trust him.”

Ben squeezes her wrist before he speaks.

“I’d expect nothing less.”

 

Poe drops a hand onto Finn’s shoulder and sighs.

“Come on, let’s go back to the main hangar. We can work on  _Black One_ ’s paint job.”

Reluctantly, Finn allows himself to be led away, but he keeps his eyes on Ben the whole time.

 

Just before they leave the room fully, he stops and Rey sees his gaze shift back and forth between her and Ben.

“I don’t care if you are the self-proclaimed Supreme Leader, if anything happens to her because of you--”

“Rey can handle herself, I assure you. But I’m glad you’d defend her, even if you don’t need to do so.”

Ben’s free hand comes up to rest on her shoulder and Finn’s expression darkens, but he nods and leaves with Poe.

 

BB-8 chirps, drawing Rey’s attention.

_Jedi Rey is...all right?_

Rey nods.

“Yes. Ben is no threat to me, or anyone here.”

The astromech trills at her.

_Finn and Poe will want to talk later._

 

Rey lets out a small laugh, grateful for the lessened tension. She turns to Rose, who is watching Ben awkwardly.

“It’s fine, Rose, I promise.”

Rose nods at her, but then looks back at Ben.

“The First Order has ruined a lot of people’s lives, you know.”

Ben’s grip grows almost uncomfortably tight. His shaky exhale is a testament to how much control he’s gained over these past months.

“I know. Those weren’t my decisions, but I’m sorry all the same. It would never have grown to this level without my help and I won’t pretend otherwise.”

Rose takes a step back in shock, but then stands firm again.

“Well. Good.”

 

Rey bends her arm to rest her right hand atop Ben’s at her shoulder. He’s going to be making these kinds of apologies -- and harder, more painful ones -- for years to come, but she’s so proud of his self-awareness.

She smiles at Rose.

“I’ll meet you in the main hangar later, Rose. I’ll talk to all of you then.”

Rose nods, and smiles back at her, motioning to BB-8 to follow as she leaves.

 

Ben’s quiet sigh behind her drains the rest of the tension from her body.

“That went better than expected.”

She starts laughing, then, the sudden absence of adrenaline leaving her reeling.

“I’m glad they already knew everything. That would have been disastrous.”

 

He makes that quiet humming sound he so often does, and she feels him step closer to her, shifting their left hands to a more natural grip.

She steps back, bumping into him, and drops her head back against his chest. She feels him inhale sharply, but then he gently kisses her temple.

She smiles widely at the gesture, suddenly struck by the need to tell him something she’d been thinking since the first time he did that.

 

She wraps her right hand around his, lifting it from her shoulder over her head and turning to face him.

He’s looking at her like he expects her to be upset with his gesture, his eyes fixating first on their hands and then searching her face.

Everything he feels is always painted in broad strokes with his expressions. She sees his concern, hope, fear, fondness...all in an instant. She catches his eyes and smiles at him in reassurance.

“I meant to say so, before, but… I really like it when you do that.”

He blinks at her in shock.

“Oh. I… Oh.”

 

His smile is  _brilliant_ , and she realizes then that she’ll never tire of seeing it.

She lifts one hand to rest gently against the side of his face. His eyes shut as he leans into her touch.

Her other hand comes to rest on his shoulder, and she lifts herself onto her toes and tentatively presses a kiss to his cheek.

His gasp is reward enough, but the obvious surprise on his face is even better.

 

She hides her face against his shoulder.

“There, now we’re even.”

One of his arms wraps around her waist, holding her close to him, and he laughs.

“Don’t start that. It’ll go on forever.”

She sighs, amused by the idea of that kind of competition between them.

“That wouldn’t be so bad.”

His head rests against hers.

“No, it really wouldn’t.”

 

After a while, she pulls back from him. The urge to lean against him again is almost insurmountable, but it gives her something to hope for when this is all over: reliving all of this in person instead of through the Force.

She unhooks his saber from her belt and hands it back. He seems to hesitate to take it from her, but after a beat he grabs it and holds it down at his side.

He’s watching her carefully, like part of him still expects her to turn away.

 

She smiles, then slides one hand through his hair briefly.

“I need to go talk with the others, and Leia too.”

He sighs, reluctant.

“Alright, Rey.”

 

She looks up at him.

“Now that we can do this… can I see you again tomorrow?”

He brightens at that, and nods at her.

“Absolutely.”

She lifts a finger to his lips as she smiles.

“Good. I’ll be waiting.”


	15. Evoke

He finds himself unable to sleep.

Ben rests on his back, his eyes tracing shapes on the ceiling as he recalls the look on Rey's face.

After she'd kissed him.

 

He’s never been so grateful for his near-perfect memory.

Maker, if he had a thousand memories of her to keep him from his nightmares… One day, perhaps.

 

He’d been surprised to be able to see her friends after reaching her through their bond.

The first time they’d connected, he couldn’t see anything but  _her_. But each time he was able to make out more of her environment. Faint outlines of things at first, unless she was touching them, then later blurry visions of the room she was in.

This time, he’d practically been in that tiny hangar with Rey and the others.

 

Poe Dameron, his mother’s favorite fearless pilot.

Finn, formerly FN-2187. The stormtrooper who never fired his blaster.

And the other must be Rose, her engineering friend, who had stared him down.

He finds he is grateful to them, for what they mean to Rey.

 

He thinks, then, of the way she'd...stood for him.

_"Ben won’t do anything except in defense while he’s here.”_

She'd been so certain.

Even he wasn't so sure of himself most of the time.

 

Yet she seems to always be able to see right through him, because everything she'd said to her friends was true.

Not just because they're her friends, his mother's companions, or whatever else.

That part of him that always reacted violently when things didn't go as planned, that feared Snoke's retribution -- that part of him is quieted, tempered, grounded with Rey.

He hates that she's stuck with that task, passive as it is. She deserves more than just what fate has given to her.

 _More than me_.

 

He pulls himself from his thoughts, rising from his bed to return to his training room and try to reach Rey again.

He thinks their sleep cycles must be near enough to the same that he can get away with ‘visiting’.

He just needs to see her, even if only for a moment.

 

As he'd done earlier, he kneels in the center of the floor and relaxes into the Force, thinking only of Rey.

Her smile, her laugh, her passionate heart.

_Rey…_

The sound of her voice, the calluses on her hands, her dangerous grace as she fights.

_Rey…_

 

Sound comes through first, Rey’s voice and another’s, and he already knows he’s made a mistake.

“--very concerned, that’s all.”

“Concerned about  _what_?”

“Well, they said you two seem to be...wait, what is that?”

“What? Oh, hell _._ ”

 

He opens his eyes to find Rey frowning down at him, and does his best to look apologetic. Her eyes look up behind him quickly, then back at him and she sighs, extending a hand.

“Come on. Your timing is awful.”

He takes her hand and shrugs, smirking at her despite himself.

“Couldn’t help myself. Sorry.”

 

He hears something shift behind him and he stills. His focus on Rey falters, and he feels a familiar presence in the room.

“Oh, stars.  _Ben_?”

He’s hit by a wave of conflicting emotions as he turns slowly to see his mother’s face for the first time in a decade.

Damn everything, he thinks he’s going to be sick.

All he hears is his Leia’s voice echoing in his head as he falls to his knees and he loses himself in memory.

 

_Sitting in a senate box while she tries to convince the representatives of other worlds that the threat of the Empire isn’t gone. She’s passionate, strong. She believes every word she says. He’s proud she’s his mother; Leia Organa Solo is an undeniable force, and brilliant in every way._

_She finishes her speech and takes her seat, resting her hand briefly on top of his head with a smile._

It’s too much.

_He watches from across the room as his mother lets her braids free at the end of a long senate session. She notices the blinking datapad resting on the table, and taps the waiting message with one hand while the other untwists her coiled tresses._

_Her frown is sad, and he crosses to stand beside her then. He doesn’t see the message, she’s too quick to deactivate the 'pad, but he can’t miss the way her hand grips the back of the hair like it’s holding her upright. He rests his hand on hers, and she smiles at him sadly._

He can’t breathe. He didn’t think -- maybe he wasn’t ready for this.

_He can hear them in the next room. They’re discussing him, he knows they are. Mother talked about him spending time away to train, even though he doesn’t want that. But they sound...glad to be rid of him soon._

_His father: ‘It’s too bad he couldn’t just be_ normal  _instead.’_

 _His mother: ‘Well he’s_ not  _, and time with Luke is the only option we have left.’_

_He lifts a hand and uses the Force to flick a sculpture into the wall, destroying the statue and leaving an indentation._

He’s been so caught up in escaping the First Order, he forgot what facing Leia would mean. How it would feel.

_He hears some of the other students -- Josat, Mellari, and Dolph -- talking after training that day. Hears his own name. Hears whispers about his grandfather._

_Mellari speaks: ‘That means the Skywalkers are children of a Sith. And Master Luke is supposed to teach us how to be Jedi!’_

_Dolph: ‘I wonder if he’ll teach us to use the dark side.’_

_Josat: ‘We can’t trust any of them.’_

_He approaches them, anger coiling around him. He towers over them all, in stature and in skill. He lets his presence in the Force be enough to cause them to slink away, looking back at him over their shoulders._

_He always knew it would come to this. His parents had kept this secret from him all these years; why couldn’t they allow him to know this part of his legacy?_

_Maybe they really are afraid of him. Maybe they really do want him gone._

His blood is rushing in his ears, and he tugs at his own hair just to be able to focus on something else.

 

A face drops into his view and he falls backward, pushing himself away instinctively. He can’t make his eyes focus.

He thinks he can hear someone calling his name, but it sounds so far away. All he can hear is his own too-fast breathing. His racing heartbeat.

A voice breaks through his thoughts.

**_BEN!_ **

He tangles his fingers harder into his hair.

**_Stop it. Look at me._ **

He blinks up at the face hovering in front of him.

Rey?

**_Good, Ben. Okay.  Breathe, Ben._ **

Everything slowly starts to focus again. Rey’s concerned expression fills his view.

 

She’s kneeling in front of him, her fingers carefully prying his hands free from his hair. He’d backed himself up against a seat in what he realizes now must be his mother’s office, his legs sprawled out in front of him.

Rey pulls herself closer, holding both of his hands and pulling them down into her lap.

“Can you hear me?”

He’s afraid to speak, so he nods instead. His pulse is slowing, and he has a better grasp on himself.

Rey smiles at him. She looks like she’s trying not to cry, and  _force_ he wishes that wasn’t his fault.

He pushes the instinct to leave deep down inside himself, makes the choice to stay and see this through.

He squeezes Rey’s hands, smiling at her. He inhales slowly, shakily, and awkwardly lifts himself onto the seat behind him.

 

He turns to face his mother.

Leia’s face betrays nothing of her feelings.

Ben sits, passive, as her eyes search him. He’s sure he looks like a madman now, after his hysterics.

He feels Rey sit behind him. She grips his left hand in hers, the other threading into his hair at his neck, keeping him grounded and focused on  _now_.

He looks at her over his shoulder and does his best to smile, to thank her, but finds he simply can’t do it. His eyes drop to their joined hands, and he bites at the inside of his lip -- his face burns as he fights back tears.

 

“It’s good to see you, finally.”

She speaks quietly, with none of the intimidating fervor he expected.

“You, too.”

He can’t look at her as he speaks. He knows if he does, everything in him will shatter like delicate crystal, and he’s not sure he can come back from that after everything he’s been through. So he keeps his focus on Rey’s hand folded over his own.

 

“You, um… you seem to be doing all right, despite everything.”

The sound he makes is something between a scoff and a sob and he feels like a void has reopened in his head.

Of course,  _of course_ she’d think he’s all right. She’d always thought he was  _getting by_.

 

The tears come, then, his vision swimming. Rey's hand grasps his more tightly, and he's never been more glad to have her beside him.

He breathes slowly.

“No, mother, I’m really not.”

 

He looks at her, holding her gaze, and does his best to keep his voice steady.

“Everything that’s happened since I saw you last, and you think I’m all right?”

His mother's frown is a familiar thing, often seen when he'd done something in anger. He scoffs at the memory.

“Never mind. Of course you do.”

 

He starts to turn back toward Rey, but a hand on his shoulder stops him.

“Alright.”

He gently squeezes Rey’s hand and looks at Leia from the corner of his eye. She releases his shoulder, offering him a small smile.

 

He reluctantly shifts back toward his mother, sighing.

“Why did you make me leave?”

She looks away from him.

“We thought it was the only choice we had left.”

He frowns at her in confusion.

“What? What does that mean?”

 

“I was barely able to accept the Skywalker legacy and then you...you were  _brilliant_. An actual prodigy. Your affinity for the Force, your connection to it, was beyond me.”

She stands, pacing the room.

“I trained with Luke only briefly before he created his new Jedi. He needed the practice, he said. I learned basic techniques, how to feel the Force and to wield it, but I had no need for it. I returned to the political world not long before you were born.”

He scoffs, looking away.

“I know all this.”

 

She shakes her head at him, waving a hand dismissively.

“No, you don't. And I'm sorry your father and I didn't tell you sooner. But we always knew about Snoke.”

He swallows thickly, fighting against sudden nausea, and grasps Rey's hand like a lifeline as his heart races.

 

Rey manages to find the words he can't.

“And you did nothing.”

His mother stares them down.

“We did what we could. You were always so kind, growing up. Patient with everyone. But you started to change, after a while. I'd come home from Senate meetings and you wouldn't speak to me. Han was away often, but when he was on Chandrila you were resentful. You drifted farther and farther away. I could feel that quiet darkness in you, but I didn't know how to face it. So the first time you reached out to the Force in anger, hurling a book at the window, I knew I needed help.”

 

He can’t believe he's hearing this.

They  _knew_ , all along. And they let him suffer.

 

“I knew somehow that this spectre we'd heard whispers of had managed to reach you through the Force. Your father thought it was our family history coming back to haunt us, but I knew better. I had felt it. I turned to Luke for help, thinking if anyone could guide you back into the light, he could.”

He drags a hand through his hair, and keeps his focus on Rey’s hand. His voice shakes when he speaks.

“This is somehow worse than I thought. How...how could you sense that sliver of darkness and ignore all the rest?”

Leia falters briefly.

“What do you mean by that?”

 

He lifts his head to look up at her, but finds he can't meet her eyes.

“Twenty three _years_ , mother. All that time, you knew Snoke was in my head. So many years I fought against Snoke's whispering. His offers of power. I hated the darkness that came so easily, and even though the light felt like walking on glass I knew what was right. I did  _nothing_ to justify what Luke did.”

Leia looks at Rey.

“What is he talking about?”

Ben looks back at her over his shoulder.

“...You said you two discussed everything.”

 

Rey stares at him with a small frown, and he knows something's wrong.

“Not...that. I didn’t tell her that.”

Ben sighs and stands. He’s restless, and this conversation is wearing on him.

 

He almost wishes he hadn’t reached for Rey tonight.

 

He looks at Leia, hoping he’s wrong about how this will go.

“What did Luke tell you? About the destruction of his training temple?”

Leia takes a shaky breath and sits back behind her desk.

“I can only tell you what I know. He said he tried to talk to you one night and you attacked him. That when he pulled himself free of the building you collapsed on him, everything was burning and half his students were dead. The other half missing.”

He steps backward. He  _knew_ Luke had lied to people about that night but this…

 

His back hits the wall, and he slides down until he’s seated on the floor. He can feel the panic seeping in again, but instead of angry, now he’s just...desperately sad.

“I woke that night to find him standing over me with his lightsaber. I was asleep, and he came to kill me like some rabid manka, mother.”

Leia’s sharp inhale draws his eyes and he can see her trying not to cry, but after everything that’s happened he just feels hollow.

“You say you knew about Snoke. You knew I was being affected, and your solution was to ignore the conflict I was feeling. To send me away. I spent years hearing these whispers in my mind telling me that  _someday_ you’d all hate me. Someday someone would turn on me. And then Luke did just that. Even angry, I never hurt anyone. You  _know_ that. Things, maybe. But a sculpture or a book isn’t the same as a person. I never wanted this.”

He looks at the wall, anything to not have to watch her absorb his words.

“But it’s like you said, isn’t it? I thought it was the only choice I had left.”

 

Rey’s shadow falls over him where he sits.

“That isn’t the whole picture either.”

He looks up at her sharply, waiting for her to continue.

“He ignited his saber, but by the time he realized he was making a mistake, you had already awakened. It was a single moment of doubt and darkness, and he regretted it until the end.”

 

Ben frowns, thinking on the memory.

“That...doesn’t make sense. He looked like a madman. If he wasn’t there to kill me, why even bring his saber?”

She shrugs, and sits beside him.

“I don’t know. Maybe he did come with the thought of killing you. But he chose not to, for whatever that’s worth now.”

He drops his head onto Rey’s shoulder, suddenly tired, and she threads her hand into his.

 

“What happened then?”

He shifts so he can look at Leia.

“Snoke sent a shuttle to get me. Half of the students wanted to come with me. The rest tried to stop us. I wasn’t allowed to board until it was _handled_. What do you think happened?”

She pales, but nods, and he looks down at Rey’s hand again.

“I’m sorry, Ben, truly. I wish I’d known.”

“Yes, well. So do I.”

 

He trails his free hand along Rey's forearm, his hair hiding his face, still not looking at his mother.

He thinks he knows where this discussion could lead and he's really not ready for that.

He wasn’t even ready for  _this_ , and here he is, but...

He doesn't think he'll ever be ready to talk about Han.

Not really.

 

He sighs quietly, refusing to look up.

“You want to know the rest, I suppose.”

Leia is silent, and that's answer enough.

 

He keeps his face hidden as he speaks.

“The shuttle took us -- Dolph, Jax, Crix, Jula, Bol, and myself -- back to Ilum. To  _Starkiller_. It was one of the rare times that Snoke was physically present on the base instead of being a projection. He…”

Ben shifts anxiously. He doesn’t want to talk about this.

He feels the tears start and doesn’t even bother trying to contain them. He chews the inside of his lip as his vision blurs.

Rey’s thumb slides along his knuckles, offering what comfort she can.

 

“Jax and Bol realized almost immediately that we’d made a mistake. He ordered Dolph to kill them, but they defeated him first. When they stood before Snoke, exhausted and sobbing, he told me to kill them. I tried to resist, so he killed Jula. I refused again, and woke up three days later. I don’t know what Snoke did to me, but only Bol was still alive.”

After so many years, he’s surprised to find the grief hits him so hard, but he never let himself feel it before.

He never really knew Crix and Jula. They had been several years younger, so his only exposure to them had been the meditation they had all done together. He knew Crix had been particularly skilled at persuasion, and Jula at resisting it. They made an intriguing team.

Dolph had been with Luke at the beginning, having joined Luke shortly after the founding of the temple. Ben knew only that Dolph had been far too intrigued in him upon learning the truth about Anakin.

Ben himself had helped bring Jax and Bol to train with Luke. Though Jax had been fairly unremarkable, his finesse with the Force was impressive. Bol was Zabrak, the only nonhuman among them, and had helped Ben and Luke with astrography and transcription of the old Jedi records they’d found on Malachor.

She has looked at him with contempt ever since.

 

His voice is little more than a whisper.

“After that first day, I never dared to fight back again -- but even my unquestioning obedience wasn’t enough to prevent the torture. Any choice I made without explicit direction was perceived as failure. And I never knew what form it would take. There were times Bol was made to suffer for my decisions.”

He hates what his life became.

“Over the years I learned to anticipate which of my choices would be most...desirable to Snoke. Which ones would be overlooked. Actions deemed inconsequential, like ignoring...Finn on Jakku when he didn’t fire his blaster.”

 

Rey gasps beside him.

“What?”

He shrugs.

“Lor San Tekka’s village. Where Poe finally found the map fragment. He didn’t follow his orders, but I let it go. Phasma would probably have wanted me to just finish him off, but it didn’t make sense. Clearly I was wrong about the consequences of that choice, but I don’t regret it.”

 

He's quiet for a long time, suddenly tired. He's sure it must be nearly morning by now.

 

He feels Rey press a kiss to the top of his head and huffs in laughter.  _Stars_ but she’s a gift he’ll never deserve.

“So…Finn and the others were right, I see.”

He angles his head to look at his mother through a curtain of hair, lifting the hand entwined with Rey’s and making her laugh.

“I don't know what they said, but probably.”

 

Leia sweeps one hand through the air.

“Only that the two of you seem to be very  _close_ , but with your connection I can't imagine anything else.”

Rey shakes her head.

“It's more than that, Leia. The bond may have let us connect, but it didn't cause our…”

Her voice trails off and Ben just lifts their joined hands again.

“This.”

His mother is smiling at him, now, and he's not sure how to react to that.

 

He feels Rey suddenly still beside him, and lifts his head to look at her as she speaks.

“...Is it a problem?”

He squeezes her hand gently.

“No.”

“It might be.”

Ben looks sharply at his mother, frowning.

“What do you mean by that?”

 

Leia stands and walks around her desk, then leans back against the front edge.

“Only a few people know about our plan to help you -- specifically Poe, Finn, and Rose. They're the only ones that will find out, if I can help it.”

Rey nods beside him.

“That's for the best. I didn't mean for Rose to find out, but I'm glad we'll have her help.”

Ben smiles, remembering her from the hangar.

“I like her. No tolerance for nonsense, but she seems kind.”

Leia smirks, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“You're right on that, which is why I don't mind that she knows. She'll be a good objective asset simply because she's never encountered you before. But that isn’t the issue.”

 

She points a finger at him, continuing.

“ _Crait_ is the issue. Not your finest moment.”

He scoffs and looks away.

“It was a very long few days.”

Rey’s elbow jabs him in the ribs, and he sighs.

“People saw me. I get it.”

Leia shrugs, her voice suddenly stern.

“Yes. People saw you. Not many, and fewer still made it, but those few know your face, now. They know the  _Supreme Leader_ is my son. But, fine. I dealt with the fallout of people knowing who my father was. I can get through them learning about you. Those that made if off Crait probably won't be a problem. My concern is how the newer members of the Resistance will see Rey if they find out about your...history.”

 

Rey makes a quiet sound beside him. He lifts their joined hands, pressing a kiss to the back of hers.

She looks at him from the corner of her eye, her face blank.

He slowly untangles their fingers.

 

“...I’m sorry. About… about what happened. On Starkiller, on Takodana, on D’Qar, on Crait… I know it isn’t worth much now, but I am.”

He looks up at his mother to find she’s frowning at him again.

He’s not sure what he expected.

 

She exhales slowly, her eyes never leaving his.

“We’ll...talk about it more when you’re here. After this is all over.”

He nods at her, looks back to Rey.

“I won’t give them reason to doubt you. I swear. Do what you have to -- leave me to my fate among the First Order, if you must. You don’t deserve to suffer for my mistakes.”

 

She still won’t look at him, her gaze fixed somewhere on the floor in front of her.

He sighs, sliding his hand through her hair before shifting away slightly.

He lets go of his hold on their connection, blinking as his training room comes back into focus.

“I’m sorry for everything.”


	16. Affirm

She feels him fade, turning to face the now-empty floor where he’d been seated.

 

Rey looks slowly from the floor up to Leia, who just shrugs.

“Han did that a lot, too. I grew very tired of hearing the ramp to the  _Falcon_ close between us.”

“Why would he just...leave like that?”

Leia shrugs again, waving a hand through the air.

“He probably thinks you’d prefer he wasn’t here if your  _connection_ will affect people’s perception of you.”

 

Rey stands quickly.

“Wait, what? He left because of that?”

Leia’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise.

“Yes. I think so.”

 

Rey growls loudly, pacing Leia’s office.

“He’s got it wrong. I have to try to reach him.”

Leia smirks at her, gesturing to the door.

“Good luck. He’s a bit stubborn.”

She looks back at Leia on her way out.

“Oh, I know.”

 

She rushes back to her quarters, eager to reach Ben.

She can’t believe he misunderstood her silence so completely.

She needed a moment, yes, to process the idea that people would judge her for their connection, but she was just realizing she doesn't much care when he was suddenly gone.

She has to talk to him.

 

She sits on the floor at the end of her bed, eyes closed, slowing her breathing.

_Ben._

If he can do this, she can too.

She thinks of his formidable power, his gentle touch, his quiet laughter.

 _Ben_ …

His easy smile, his remarkable skill, the way his eyes look in the light.

_Ben._

 

Rey hears an odd noise, and opens her eyes. She stands quickly, turning on the spot.

She sees him, finally, on the far side of the room.

He’s sitting against the wall, knees drawn up to his chest, his face hidden behind his crossed arms.

 

She approaches him slowly, like a cornered blackstalker.

“Ben?”

She expects him to look at her, but instead he just tries to make himself smaller.

 

She’s afraid to breathe, to startle him. She moves toward him in small motions.

“Ben,  _please_.”

Each step carefully placed and silent as possible.

 

Rey crosses the entire width of the room without him responding to her voice.

“Can you look at me? Ben.  _Look at me._ ”

He still hasn’t reacted to her at all except to shrink away, and she’s starting to get desperate, now.

 

She drops in front of him, knees bumping into his feet as she hits the ground.

His shoulders are shaking, and she can  _feel_ his despair, silent in his anguish.

She lifts a hand, just barely touching his hair, but he pulls even further from her.

She sighs, dropping her hand back into her lap.

“All right, Ben. I won’t...I won’t touch you. I’m sorry.”

 

He doesn’t reply, but she needs him to listen.

“I wanted to tell you I know it was...difficult, telling Leia everything that happened. I know you weren’t ready to talk to her, that you thought it would wait until after you were with us.”

She keeps watching him, hoping he’ll at least look at her soon.

“I’m just...I’m so glad you got to see her again. To talk to her, despite everything.”

 

She sits back on her heels.

“But then you left so suddenly, I was worried. I just...I had to talk to you. I wanted to make sure you were alright.”

She shrugs, even though he can’t see it.

“Leia says you left because you don’t want the Resistance to distrust me because of you. And I’m sorry, but you’re so wrong.”

 

The shaking in his shoulders has stopped.

“It doesn’t matter what they think of me, Ben. I know you think it does, or it matters to you, or something. But…”

His eyes, red-rimmed and tired, peek out at her over his crossed arms.

“They can keep their stars-damned opinion.”

She smiles at him, and his eyes dart away.

“I mean that, you know. And after...after everything, I don’t know why you think I’d want you to just  _go_ like that. Why you’d think I don’t want you with me.”

 

His eyes come back to her, finally.

“I don’t want you to have to leave them because of me. Because of our connection.”

Rey scoffs, shaking her head.

“The Resistance leadership knows and trusts me. I thought for a second about how it would feel to leave them because of something we can't control, but then I was worried about how they’d treat  _you_.”

 

He hides his face again. When he speaks, it’s muffled and she strains to hear him.

“Because they know who I am. What I’ve done.”

She shifts to sit beside him, positioning herself as closely as she can manage, her shoulder pressed to his.

“Yes. Yes they do. But it’s not that simple, and now Leia knows it.”

 

He huffs at her, clearly frustrated now.

But he releases his hold on his legs, relaxing slightly. Rey sighs quietly in relief, glad to be able to see his face.

“ _All_ of you are better off without me there.”

She shrugs again, looks at him from the corner of her eye.

“Maybe. But you’re better off with us.”

His eyebrows shoot up and Rey is struck suddenly by how similar he is to Leia at times.

 

She smirks at him, continuing now that she has his attention.

“I don’t mean  _safer;_  I can’t know that for sure. But  _better_.”

He looks away from her, leaning his head back against the wall.

“I don’t deserve that, Rey. Maybe I’m not worth all this.”

 

Rey moves quickly, shifting in front of him again.

“No, Ben.”

His eyes snap to hers, and she does her best to keep her face neutral.

“That is, honestly, kriffing nonsense.”

 

He frowns slightly, searching her face, and she moves closer, placing her hands on his knees.

“And besides, I already told you. I want you with me, Ben. Remember? I thought you understood.”

She moves forward again, close enough now she’s caged by his knees, and brushes the hair out of his face, her hand lingering on his cheek.

“You said you’d do whatever it takes to stand with me. Did you mean that?”

She almost misses his tiny nod, his whispered  _yes_.

 

She leans in again, pressing her forehead against his, holding his eyes despite the closeness.

“Good.”

She kisses him at last, his lips soft beneath her own, both of them gasping at the way the Force hums between them.

Ben pulls back, 

 

He moves slowly as his arms encircle her, as if to give her a chance to change her mind, and she tucks her head against his neck.

She hears him let out a shaky exhale as he hugs her a little more tightly.

“I’m sorry I left so suddenly. I thought it was the right thing to do.”

She huffs softly, and he smirks at her.

“Try talking, next time.”

His hand comes up to gently lift her chin, his lips pressing to hers a second time.

“All right, Rey. I’ll try.”


	17. Ardor

They underestimated the First Order’s efficiency.

 

Tari --  _Bol_ , he thinks sadly -- is waiting outside the repurposed throne room in her new Cortosis armor as he heads to the bridge.

_If she has been outfitted, so have the rest. Blast. I need to tell Rey._

 

He pauses, looking her over with approval.

“Do you like it?”

She lifts an eyebrow, immediately skeptical.

“...Are you ill?”

 

He scoffs rather than reply and continues his walk to the bridge.

Footsteps follow.

“Really, Kylo. Casual conversation isn’t your style.”

He grumbles quietly, stopping so quickly she almost bumps into him. He looks quickly to either end of the hall, then turns to face her.

“Is the new armor  _functional_ , Tari?”

She smirks at that.

“Exceptionally.”

 

He nods, tossing a small wave over his shoulder as he resumes his walk.

Footsteps follow.

 

_Damn it, Bol._

“Lann and I need to speak with you.”

_Both of them are on board?_

 

He wheels on her, growing frustrated.

“It will have to wait. We’re preparing a mission to Jelucan.”

She narrows her eyes at him, but nods acquiescence.

“As you say, Supreme Leader.”

He can feel her watching him as he strides away.

 

He shakes the uncertainty from his expression, coming onto the bridge to see Hux trying to intimidate a group of newly-minted junior officers.

“This posting is a privilege, understood? Failing to perform your duties will see you reassigned in a heartbeat to some backwater hole of a planet.”

One of them sees Ben approaching and tenses suddenly, his eyes darting to the General and back to Ben.

 

Ben pauses, carefully keeping the smirk off his face as he waits for Hux to realize he’s arrived.

Hux, of course, is displeased to lose the young man’s attention for that split second.

“Have you something  _better_ to do just now that you can’t focus?”

Gray eyes look at him uncomfortably over the General’s shoulder, and he has to cover his huffed laughter with coughing.

Hux turns quickly.

“What is that blasted-- Re--  _Supreme Leader_. My... apologies, sir.”

 

Ben sniffs, his eyes scanning the bridge to avoid looking at the other man.

“Is there a problem, General?”

A scoff is the only reply until Ben turns his gaze to fix on Hux.

“Ah, no. These men are...former stormtroopers. Found suitable to fill the gaps in our staffing since we lost so many in the...events above Crait months ago.”

 

Ben looks over Hux’s shoulder to the gray-eyed one from before, who shifts uncomfortably.

_Former ‘troopers? That’s unexpected._

He looks back to Hux, careful to keep his curiosity off his face.

“You’re just doing this now?”

Hux takes a small step backwards.

“This was as quickly as it could be managed.”

 

“I’m sure that’s the case, General. How are preparations going for Jelucan?”

“As expected. It’s a smaller excursion but as a former Imperial world, I do not expect much resistance.”

Ben winces internally at the very specific, deliberate use of the word  _resistance_ , but nods regardless.

“Good.”

 

He wonders if Rey can convince his mother to intercept them -- if he should even suggest it. He’s still not sure how their forces stand, if even the First Order is still struggling to bounce back from the battle at Crait.

_Time to change the subject._

“And the new armor seems to be coming along well? Tari tells me it is satisfactory.”

Hux scoffs, very nearly rolling his eyes.

“Yes, I’m so pleased to hear the Iridonian is appeased.”

_Ah, so Bol still doesn’t like him. Good._

Ben lifts an eyebrow at his tone.

“Meaning?”

“She’s insubordinate and complains ceaselessly.”

He steps forward, and Hux steps back.

“Insubordinate? My Knights do not serve  _you_.”

The General has the sense to at least appear subdued.

“...Of course not.”

 

Ben deliberates for a fraction of a second, eyeing him carefully.

“Hmm.”

Hux meets his eyes, and Ben not-too-gently presses down, down, and  _down_ on the General’s shoulders with the Force.

It comes to him so easily, the hazy darkness spilling from him.

The General’s jaw clenches as he resists the push like a sudden weight, struggling to stay upright rather than drop to his knees.

 

 _Not good enough_.

He snarls, lifting a hand and  _pushing_ away with the Force, and Hux falls awkwardly backward with a startled grunt.

Ben walks forward, heavy steps echoing through a bridge where all eyes are fixed on them, and continues the incessant Force-pressure.

“Perhaps you should remember to keep your own insubordination in check,  _General Hux_ , if you wish to maintain your rank.”

He releases the pressure, reveling in the quiet wheezing exhale Hux makes in response.

Ben makes eye contact with the same new officer one last time, nods slightly, and leaves the bridge again.

 

He’s already mentally reaching for Rey as he exits the bridge, taking the corner hard.

Footsteps follow.

_Son of a hutt, Bol, I swear..._

 

He takes a steadying breath, turns.

“...Ah. Lann.”

The Knight looks up at him, his face blank.

“Supreme Leader. Tari said she tried to speak with you but you were...busy.”

Ben does not trust Lann overly much. A former assassin with no affinity for the Force, the man had joined the Knights early on, but had always been more loyal to Bol than to Ben or Snoke. Ben knew only that he was from Pamarthe and had a dangerous reputation in his past life.

 

Ben cocks his head to one side.

“I told her also that I was checking in on a mission. Is it urgent?”

Lann shrugs. He’s noticeably shorter than Ben, and leaner, but Ben knows he’s no less dangerous.

“Depends on the definition. It’s nothing that can’t wait until morning, if you’d prefer?”

Ben nods, unnerved by his still neutral expression.

“Tomorrow morning then.”

Lann nods slightly, the only deference he’ll likely show.

“Supreme Leader.”

 

Ben finally makes it back to his quarters, exhausted. A glance at the chrono tells him it’s barely been a few hours.

He yanks his gloves off, throwing them aimlessly onto the floor. His belt, boots, and the heavy outer tunic follows.

He sits heavily on the floor at the end of his bed, drags his hands through his hair.

He’s so  _tired_ , sometimes.

Ready for this all to be over so things can be...well, if not normal, then at least  _better_.

 

He wants…

He wants Rey.

A quieter life.

The possibility of a real future.

It’s so close, now. Almost within their grasp.

He indulges himself for a fleeting moment, imagining what could be, and he can almost see it: a home, somewhere quiet with lots of sun; no imminent threat of disaster; Rey and...

No, that’s too much to ask for, after everything that’s happened.

 

He sighs softly, setting that aside for another day, and stretches his senses out to connect with Rey. He knows the schedule the Resistance is on, now, and is confident she’ll actually be alone.

They’ve gotten better at this over the past couple of weeks, and their bond takes less and less effort each time. He knows that soon it will be as easy as breathing.

_Rey…_

He barely takes a moment to reach for her before he’s wrapped in her embrace.

“Oh, Ben, finally!”

 _Stars_ her smile is radiant. He’ll never get used to how she looks at him.

 

Rey steps back, looking him over.

“You look...I’m not sure. Is everything alright?”

He huffs a small laugh, hugging her back and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“It’s fine. Hux is being a bastard, as usual.”

She growls.

“I really despise that man.”

He smirks, thinking of the look on that former ‘trooper’s face.

“Hmm, I think everyone does, actually.”

 

“What’s he doing?”

“Nothing unanticipated. Truly, it’s fine. Can we just...sit? I  _missed_ you.”

She laughs, and his heart soars.

“It’s been less than a day!”

 

He kisses her gently, caught up in how intensely such a small thing affects him.

“If I could be with you all the time, I would. You know that.”

She smiles again, the slightest blush on her face, pulling him toward the end of her own bed.

“Come on, sit on the floor here.”

He looks at her, amused, but does as she says. She settles herself behind him on the edge of her bed, her knees on either side of his shoulders.

 

He looks up at her over his shoulder, where she’s still grinning broadly.

“What are you up to back there?”

“Shh, just sit.”

He starts to protest, but then her fingers are threading through his hair, combing it back away from his face. He sighs contentedly, his eyes shutting as he relaxes into her touch.

 

She chuckles behind him.

“See? You need to relax.”

He can feel that she’s pulling his hair into some sort of style, but allows her to continue. No one will see him but Rey, so it doesn’t matter much.

“Hmmmm, I’ll never doubt you again.”

 

She continues her gentle finger-combing as he drifts somewhere not far above drowsiness.

“So. Tell me about what happened today that has you so exhausted.”

He huffs, realizing she’d had this planned all along. He decides he doesn’t mind.

“Tari -- ah, Bol, from Luke's temple -- and another of the Knights, Lann, need to speak to me about...something. But I had no time to spare today, because I had to make sure Hux wasn’t getting out of hand.”

“What was he doing?”

 

Ben hums quietly, his eyes drifting around Rey’s sparsely decorated room.

“The oddest thing, as it happens. He’s reassigned some of the former stormtroopers as junior officers.”

Rey leans over to look at him, her fingers still in his hair.

“Is that bad? It sounds wonderful for them.”

He shrugs.

“It’s hard to tell. One of them seemed to… I’m not sure how to put it. He kept looking at me, but the rest of them were terrified just by my presence.”

 

“You’re a bit imposing, sometimes.”

He laughs at that.

“True. But this one was different. I need to find out who he is.”

 

He decides not to bring up Jelucan. Not today.

He’ll make sure the annexation is as peaceful as possible. It’s the least he can do.

 

She’s quiet as she toys with his hair, and he feels her secure it with a tie at the base of his neck.

He looks up at her over his shoulder again.

“A tail? Don’t you think that’s--”

Her eyebrows raise and he pauses his thought.

Instead, he turns, kneeling in front of her.

“Thank you.”

 

She smiles softly.

“Your hair is so  _soft_ , it’s hard to resist touching it.”

He laughs, smiling at her odd compliment.

“Genetics, I suppose. You’ve seen my mother’s hair? It’s even better than mine.”

Rey leans her forehead against his, kissing him gently.

“Hmm...I like yours better.”

 

He holds her face carefully, pulling back only enough to see her eyes clearly, searching her face.

He’ll never understand how -- after all the force-damned fury he’s unleashed upon the galaxy -- he could ever deserve someone like Rey.

She’s light, warmth, beauty. A guiding star in his bleak sky.

 _Stars,_ but he loves her fiercely.

He kisses his way up her face, making her laugh, then draws her into a tight embrace as he mentally vows again to do everything in his power to keep her safe.


	18. Impatient

This connection is a  _gift_.

 

They’d agreed the night before to meet again this morning, as Rey wants to hear whatever it is the Knights have to say to Ben -- but she was restless.

She had realized quickly there was little point in being awake so blasted early for nothing, and went to him.

Only…

 

He’s still asleep.

She grins, thinking of the last time she’d seen him this way. So much is different, now.

His hair is spread and bunched at odd angles, a layer falling over his face and fluttering with each breath.

She considers brushing it away, but doesn’t want to wake him yet.

 

He’s sprawled across his (too-small) bed like he’s trying to wrap himself around it, and as before he has one arm tightened around his pillow.

She remembers something Rose had said about how some people sleep wrapped in another’s arms, and thinks Ben would be the person wrapping someone up and--

She sighs, shakes her head.

_I’d never get any sleep like that._

 

Ben slowly starts to stir, stretching slowly and grumbling.

She can’t help the quiet chuckle that escapes her at the sight.

His eyes fly open and he leans away from her, nearly falling off his bed.

Rey grabs his wrist to stop him flailing.

“Sorry! Didn’t mean to startle you.”

He blinks at her, breathing a little too hard, then pushes his face into his pillow with a groan.

“I really do  _not_ enjoy waking up to people standing over me.”

_Right._

 

She combs her fingers through his hair.

“Sorry.”

Ben lifts himself up with a sigh.

“It’s...well, not all right, not really, but I know you didn’t mean anything by it.”

Rey does  _not_ stare at the muscles in his back as he shifts.

She doesn't.

 

He sits across from her, one leg pulled up, and leans over onto his knee.

“You’re earlier than I expected. Is something wrong?”

She smiles slightly and shakes her head.

“No, I just...I got impatient.”

He grins at her, clearly amused. His hair is a mess of waves around his face.

“What did you say yesterday? It hasn’t even been a day.”

She shrugs, brushes his hair out of the way so she can see him.

 

He chuckles, his voice still gravelly from sleep.

“Well, I’m glad to see you anyway. But I ah…”

He looks away, looks back at her. Shrugs again.

“I need to dress for the day, much as I’d like to linger here. Bol and Lann will be early to our meeting, and if you’re going to attend we have to be there  _earlier_.”

Rey nods, standing.

“When should I come back?”

 

His eyes flit away, back again. Away.

“You could...stay.”

Her breath catches at the thought.

_He... if…_

She exhales, smiles softly.

_It isn’t fair._

 

He looks up at her, shyly hopeful.

She shakes her head, kneeling on the bed again to be closer.

“I’d never make it through the halls without being spotted, Ben. I can come back, hide in your office, before the Knights arrive.”

He nods slow and heavy: reluctant agreement.

“Half an hour, then. Wait too long and we risk them seeing you.”

She leans to him, kissing him gently with her fingers in his hair.

“Good. Less time apart.”

He laughs, then lets out the tiniest sigh.

“All right.”

 

 

Rey pokes at a plate of scrambled nuna eggs, glancing at the chrono every few seconds.

If she returns to Ben too soon, she’ll risk being seen. Too late, the same issue.

So she’ll wait the entire half hour as promised.

 

22 more minutes.

 

Snap, Oddy, and Jess are eating a few tables over. They’d invited her to join them but...she’s too anxious to try to talk now.

She stabs another bite of egg with her fork, chews it slowly. They eat them at breakfast often, as Nuna are so common near the base -- but Rey finds she still doesn’t care for how they feel in her mouth.

 

She lays the fork on her plate and starts to stand, but pauses as Finn slides into the seat across the table.

She looks at the chrono.

 

18 minutes.

 

Finn’s expression is guarded. Hesitant.

“Everything alright?”

She shrugs, takes another bite of the eggs before remembering she dislikes them, frowning at the plate.

“I’m never sure.”

Finn just keeps looking at her oddly.

 

16 minutes.

 

She grips the fork a little too hard in her impatience. It’s something to focus on other than the chrono.

He looks over at the chrono, too, then back to her.

“In a hurry?”

“No, actually. Trying to take my time.”

He nods, that conflicted expression still on his face.

 

Rey sighs, pushes the plate away from her to avoid another accidental bite.

“What is it, Finn? You’re looking at me like--”

He covers her hand with his, halting her train of thought.

“Are you in love with him?”

The words echo in her head, the sound of his question too loud in the midst of all these people.

 

She drops the fork onto the plate, shoves away from the table.

The chair dragging on the floor is too loud, making her wince as she stands.

Everything’s too loud.

 

13 minutes.

 

She sees the pilots watching her from across the room, quickly looking back at their breakfasts when they see she’s looking.

She turns to leave, running into Poe & Rose on their way into the room.

Sidesteps, walks backward a few paces, her eyes on Finn.

He’s still calling her name as she leaves the room.

 

There are no good hiding places in their base.

It grates on her, sometimes, but she could never admit that to Finn and the others.

That part of her that misses the burn in her muscles as she’d hauled herself through countless downed ships, the sound of wind through ruined durasteel.

The Resistance is still rebuilding, but there’s so many  _people_ here.

 

She’d never say it, but she misses being on her own.

Not the unending loneliness, or the hunger that gnaws at her still.

Just the quiet. That’s all.

 

Hyperspace has that kind of peace, but they can’t risk the  _Falcon_ being seen, not yet.

So she tucks herself into a corner of the hangar, behind a tool crate.

 

The chrono by the door says she has 7 minutes left to wait.

_Are you in love with him?_

She digs the heels of her hands into her eyes, trying to push Finn’s question out of her mind.

 

Maker help her, she  _is_. She knows she is.

Knowing and saying aren’t the same.

 

How could she do anything else but love him?

Ben  _knows_ her. Every awkward, ragged edge.

How she feels hollow, sometimes. Less-than. Alone among all these people.

Ceaselessly angry, too. And achingly sad.

Ben has seen all of it,  _felt_ all of it, and he’s still there. Every single time.

He’s still glad to see her each time they meet through the Force.

She’ll probably always love him.

 

3 minutes.

 

She shakes her head, realizing she’ll have to apologize to Finn for running out like that.

There’s not time now, but as soon as this is done.

She hopes he won’t be angry.

 

He doesn’t trust Ben, after everything, and she doesn’t blame him for that. But Finn also doesn’t know Ben like she does.

No one knows him like she does.

 

Time to go back.

 

She  _reaches_ for him and barely two breaths later she’s on the floor in a spacious room with high transparisteel windows.

He crouches beside her, an odd look on his face.

“Are you alright?”

She scoffs, looking around as she stands.

“It’s nothing. What is this place?”

 

He stands with her, still watching her carefully.

“It was a… proxy throne room. Snoke would transmit here to speak with the General and I.”

She looks at him, sure there’s more to it than that.

He looks away from her and leads them to a Greelwood desk.

“It’s my office now. A place to be away from the bridge and the chaos.”

 

On one side of the desk, a half-empty cup of caf -- probably from the previous day. Another corner hosts a haphazard tower of datapads, a dozen or more, at odd angles to each other and to the desk itself. She looks to Ben, then back at the datapads pointedly. He just shrugs in response.

“I’m sure Bol will be here soon. She has a habit of being tediously early for things.”

Rey nods, glancing around the room and its sparse furniture.

“Where did you expect me to be able to hide?”

 

Ben stares at her silently, and Rey realizes he did not consider this.

“Oh.”

She snorts at that, trying to suppress her laughter, ultimately failing as she gives in to the stress of the morning and the situation and just loses herself in the absurdity of their lives for a moment. Her voice echoes in the empty room and it just fuels her amusement, tears forming in the corner of her eye.

“If it’s a problem, you don’t have to stay.”

She covers her face with her hands, peeking at Ben through her fingers. His baffled expression nearly starts another laughing fit, but she suppresses it and offers an awkward smile by way of apology.

“No, it’s not that. It’s just--”

 

The chime interrupts her thought, and she looks around quickly, whispering as she crouches behind his desk.

“Later. Go let them in. And please don’t kick down here.”

He leans over, half-following her as she crawls under the desk.

“Kick? What? What are you  _doing?!_ ”

“Ben. Tell them to come in or they’ll get suspicious.”

 

He sighs, brushing his hands down his tunic, and then steps around the desk. Rey hears his thudding steps as he stalks away.

The kickspace under the desk is large enough for Rey to sit comfortably, likely because of Ben's long legs. At least she won't have to be crammed in at an odd angle as she listens, as undignified as the situation is.

Footsteps approach --  _four_ sets?

Ben’s legs appear in her view, and he sits down and angles himself half under the desk.

 _I’ve had better ideas_ , she thinks, his knee scant inches from her face.

 

“Nice you finally had time, Kylo.”

_That must be Bol. The Zabrak from the Jedi temple._

Ben’s voice rumbles above her.

“I didn’t realize it was so important to all of you. Whatever it is.”

A sigh from the other side.

“You didn’t ask if it was  _important_.”

_Lann._

Bol speaks, irritated.

“That’s unnecessary, Lann.”

A scoff.

 

Ben speaks again.

“And you? You were on the bridge yesterday. Why do you seem familiar?”

 _The stormtrooper he mentioned. I forgot about him_.

“I’m… ah. I saw you in the halls, once. Sir.”

Ben shifts forward in his seat, clearly intrigued.

“Once? Why would that be significant? What’s your  _name_? Why are you here?”

“Palt, sir. It...well. I’ve -- we’ve all heard stories. The stormtroopers, I mean. Everyone speaks of you like a cacodemon; like being near you condemns a person to Chaos. But…”

 

She can see how tense Ben is just from the way he’s sitting, and she wishes she didn’t have to hide. This sort of thing can’t be easy for him to hear.

He sighs.

“But  _what_ , Ensign Palt?”

A stifled gasp.

“You were  _smiling_ , sir.”

Ben scoffs, but Bol laughs.

“Maker help me, I didn’t know you were capable of smiling, Kylo.”

Lann’s voice is cold.

“Tari, that’s unfair. And unhelpful.”

 

Ben growls above her. She sets her hand on his knee, making him jump. After a second his hand lays over hers and he stills.

“I remember you now, Palt. Is that why you looked at me the way you did yesterday?”

“...Yes. I’m still not sure if I wanted you to recognize me or not.”

“I suppose if that’s the reputation I’ve earned throughout the ‘troopers, your reaction is warranted.”

A quiet pause from the ensign.

“I can correct them, sir, if you’d like...or reinforce them, if I must.”

Ben’s hand grips Rey’s tightly.

“No, Palt, that’s...not necessary. If you can help it, do neither.”

 

Lann replies instead of Palt.

“Hmm... Well?”

Bol sighs.

“All right, all right. Can we all speak freely, Ben?”

_What?_

 

Ben stands so quickly Rey thinks the weighty Greelwood might have moved.

His voice is quiet, but forceful.

“What did you say?”

“Oh, I’m quite certain you heard me. I called you  _Ben_.”

 

A shaky exhale escapes him, and he drops back into his chair heavily.

“Why? After all this time. Why now?”

“Because Zabrak are smarter than humans? I’ve  _felt_ you through the Force, laserbrain. The second I stepped foot on the  _Finalizer_ again I knew. You were never the brightest Force beacon, but for the first time in years your presence isn’t muddy and conflicted.”

Rey nods to herself, glad she’s not the only one who sees how he’s more and more  _himself_ as time passes. She may not have known Ben before, but she can feel how clear things are for him, now.

He hadn’t pulled his chair back up to the desk when he sat down again, and she sees his eyes seek her out in the kickspace. She smiles at him, encouraging.

 

His gaze drifts over to Lann.

“And you?”

“I trust Tari.”

Ben sighs.

“Her name is  _Bol_.”


	19. Fealty

This entire scenario is  _absurd_.

 

He drags a hand through his hair, sighing heavily.

“Her name is  _Bol_.”

 

He moves his chair nearer to the desk, blindly reaching for Rey. Her touch is a comfort he’s come to appreciate. Her hand closes around his gently.

 

The Knight shakes her head at him.

“No, Ben. I haven’t been Bol in years. It’s not right for me to get to use that name. I will still be Tari Ren, until the end of my days.”

He glares at her.

“Oh? Then how am I  _Ben_?”

Her voice is quiet, and cold.

“You didn’t kill our friends."

"Yes I _did_ , Bol. Josat? Mellari? The rest who didn't board the shuttle. Don't act like you have to bear all of this."

 

"But what about the ones who did follow you? They're all dead. You fought, even then. Snoke...did something to you, and it was them or us.”

He drags a hand down his face.

“I never knew what happened.”

Her voice breaks when she speaks again.

“I’m so sorry.”

“So am I, my friend.”

 

He looks at each of them in turn.

“I need to know. What made you all come to me?”

Palt speaks first.

“General Hux is...restructuring the stormtrooper rank system. He  _claims_  it’s in the wake of the battle at Crait, but...it doesn’t add up. Some of us have been reassigned as bridge crew, like me, but others have been, well,  _selected_  for an advanced combat training program.”

 

Lann lifts a hand, interjecting.

“That’s where I came in. Hux asked Andra to do it -- told him he’d be the new First Knight in exchange, plus the new armor we were all given. Then Andra came to  _me_.”

Ben lifts an eyebrow.

“But...Andra has always hated you.”

The assassin shrugs.

“Maybe he hates Hux more than he hates me. Or his loyalty to you is greater. Honestly, sir, it doesn’t matter. He believes Hux is preparing for a coup -- but Hux wants the rest of the Knights and these new elite troopers on his side, because he believes the other surviving generals won’t stand for it. He means to take out you and them in one attack: wipe all of his opposition out at once.”

 

Ben leans back in his seat, Rey’s grip on his hand an echo of his own thought.

_We were right._

Palt continues from there, a pained expression on his face.

“My concern, sir, is for my fellow ‘troopers. If...if rumors are true, that squadron was tortured into compliance before training even started. We...well, sir. We all hoped things would change. But not like this.”

Under the desk, Rey taps an insistent finger against his wrist. He gestures an invitation to Palt.

“Oh? What did you hope would change?”

 

The man swallows heavily. Ben is glad to have earned his trust, even if it is born of desperation.

“Ah...the entire system, sir. From the misnamed ‘recruiting’ process, to reconditioning, all of it. But without...Phasma...General Hux is far worse. There were rumors...about defectors.”

Again Rey taps his wrist -- he  _knew_ she would want him to press this issue.

“Palt, I say this as the Supreme Leader of the First Order: I will take no action against the defectors based on what you say here. This entire exchange is completely private.”

“Well, sir…everyone knows about Starkiller. How FN-2187 helped--”

 

“He...his name is Finn.”

Bol chuckles at that.

“Stars, you have changed.”

He glances at her, suppressing a grin.

Palt nods, smiling faintly.

“ _FI_ _nn_. We all know. Phasma tried to keep it from us, but...after the Supremacy it’s no secret. He wasn’t the first to try, but he was the first to succeed. So a few weeks ago...a handful of others tried to desert.”

Ben frowns at him.

“Dinzo?”

The ensign nods again.

“Ah...yes, sir. And there’s been an attempt every planetside mission since. And...well. Every last one has been killed...or caught and sent for brutal reconditioning.”

 

He feels nauseous. To think he’d helped this monstrous system to persist…

_None of that. Just fix it._

He drags his free hand through his hair, tugging at the ends.

When did his life become like some terrible holonet series?

 

He looks over at Lann again, ticking points off mentally.

“So, a cruel new training program. Cortosis mesh armor for the Knights and the elite troopers. Hux trying to take over. But  _why_?”

Bol looks at him with a frown.

“That blasted general says you betrayed everyone, joined forces with some... some  _Jedi_ girl, and killed Snoke. Before I came back to the finalizer, I thought it was a lot of kriffing nonsense. But now that I’m here, it’s obvious  _something_ happened.”

Lann cocks his head as he speaks.

“Sir...what did happen on the Supremacy?”

Bol leans in.

“Yes. Not that I don’t prefer you over the decrepit monster, but… what changed?”

He looks down at his arm, reaching under the desk, then looks up at Bol again.

“ _Everything_.”

Rey’s hand tightens around his.

 

He untangles their fingers, standing as he speaks, his voice filling the room.

“Hux isn’t lying: I killed Snoke. I did it because the  _kriffing bastard_ was in my head for 30 years, treating me like a puppet. Every word was false, every choice treated as failure. No matter what he made me do it was never enough.”

They’re staring at him now, undisguised shock.

“I gave everything I had, and then he still took more. He put me in a situation I couldn't avoid and demanded something of me I was unwilling to sacrifice.”

_Oh, stars above, I hope I don’t regret this._

 

He crouches quickly, ignoring confused comments from the others, and extends his hand to Rey to coax her out to join him.

“Come on. I trust them. I’ll keep you safe.”

She nods, grasping his hand tightly as she comes out of hiding.

His eyes stay on hers as she stands.

He doesn’t let go of her hand.

 

Bol’s voice is hard to hear despite the stillness of the room, her eyes fixed on Rey’s saber at her hip.

“So, you’re a Jedi?”

Rey shakes her head. Ben sees her eyes flick to Bol’s own weapons -- a shoto  _and_ pike, used separately or in tandem -- to her short bony horns, then back to her face.

“Not really.”

Bol nods, understanding on her face.

“More like Ben and I, then. Not quite one thing or the other. What’s your name?”

Rey smiles slightly.

“Rey. Ben told me about you.”

He holds her hand a little tighter, glad the ruse is ended.

 

Bol laughs bitterly, looking back to him.

“He asked you to kill  _her_ , didn’t he?”

His father's face flashes through his mind.

He looks at Bol from the corner of his eye without comment.

 

She nods again, briefly sad.

“You always did get attached easily.”

He steps toward her.

“I’m sorry, Bol.”

“Don’t, Ben. Please.”

He nods slowly, unhappy but resigned.

 

Lann finally speaks up again, breaking the building tension, and gestures to Rey.

“So. How are you here?”

Bol looks from Lann to Rey, puzzled.

“I’m impressed you stayed so quiet down there. But, I don’t feel you, at all. I just feel...an extension of Ben. That doesn’t make sense.”

 

Ben looks at Rey, who nods. He looks back up at the others, sighing slightly.

“It’s a Force Bond, Bol. Like in the books.”

Bol scoffs.

“No, no. This has to be more than that. Force bond connections don’t let you see and feel your bond partner’s environment. It’s like trying to touch a holo. Connections are spontaneous, ephemeral… Except for her --  _your_ , sorry, Rey -- Force presence, it’s like you’re really  _here_.”

Rey smiles proudly.

“We pushed it this far, reaching for each other. It started like you said, but we make it connect at will, now. I could drink that old cup of caf, if I wanted.”

Ben grumbles, his thumb sliding along Rey's.

“It’s only from yesterday, not last week.”

"And you're sure you've never left caf on your desk for a week?"

"Well...no, but--"

 

Palt hesitantly draws their attention.

“Ahh…miss Rey? Where you are, what do they see?”

_I like this one. He’s smarter than most._

Rey looks at him, frowning in confusion.

“I...have no idea. I’ve always been alone when visiting him.”

Ben huffs, hating to admit they’ll have to get more people involved.

“Ask one of your friends to sit with you, next time. Or...Leia, if she’s willing.”

 

Bol laughs again, and he remembers she knew his mother.

“This keeps getting better. Your mother knows? Are you hatching a plan with the kriffing  _Resistance_?”

He groans and drops his head onto Rey’s shoulder, making her laugh. Her free hand slides into his hair as she speaks, the other still grasping his tightly.

“She was reluctant at first. After everything that’s happened, we don’t blame her for it. But yes, there’s a plan.”

 

Palt gestures between them.

“Ah...how could you already have a plan?”

He turns to them.

“I knew Hux would try something. Our plan has been in the works for weeks.”

Bol rolls her eyes at him.

“So you’re saying you knew all of this before we got here.”

“Not all of it. And it was all suspicion. But I had a feeling he didn’t believe me about what happened. I, ah…”

 

He looks uncomfortably at Rey, who looks suitably smug.

“I told him Rey killed Snoke, and the Praetorians.”

Palt barks out a sudden laugh, then throws a hand across his mouth to keep quiet, his face red as he tries to contain himself.

Lann sighs, exasperated.

“That was rude. Although, I don’t disagree, sir.”

 

Ben scowls at them.

“Rey could absolutely--”

Bol raises a hand, interrupting him with a small smile.

“That isn’t it, Ben. It’s just...a  _very_ flimsy lie. I’m sure he never believed you for a second, and I’m honestly surprised he hasn’t already made an attempt.”

He looks over to Rey.

“Oh.”

She smiles and kisses him anyway, her frustration with this lie already spent.

 

Bol walks closer, joining Ben and Rey behind the desk.

“Whatever you’re working on, I want in.”

Lann lifts a hand.

“Same here. Possibly Andra, but--”

Ben interrupts, shaking his head seriously.

“No, I don’t know if we can trust him, now.”

Bol looks up at him, skeptical.

“He is...rather devoted to you.”

“I know, Bol, I noticed. But things have changed; surely you know that puts things in question.”

 

Lann is frowning, puzzled.

“You seem to trust us just fine, what’s the issue with Andra?”

Ben sighs softly, studying Rey’s hand in his as he speaks.

“You took a chance coming to me with this. What if you’d been wrong?”

He looks at each of them.

“What if you told me your suspicions and I called it what it is -- treason?”

 

Bol touches a finger to one of her horns, rolling her fingertip along the point -- an old habit he hadn’t seen in her in years.

“But Andra didn’t say anything to you. He didn’t trust you enough to take that risk. He went to Lann instead.”

He nods, smirking at her.

“Yes. So we wait. Feel it out. Same with the others.”

 

Lann scratches at the back of his head.

“So. I guess we’re stealing some armor?”

Ben chuckles, shrugging.

“Already done. Stashed first on Pantora, but I’ve had Mitaka move it twice and Tavson moved it again. No one else knows where it is.”

Bol outright laughs at that.

“Hey, you’re not too bad at this ‘treason’ stuff.”

He looks at her sideways, cocky.

“Is it treason if I’m the one in charge?”

 

Palt steps toward them, his hesitation obvious.

“What about… what about the ‘troopers, sir? They’re... _we’re_ being killed for even considering what we’re discussing here.”

Rey crosses to him, rests a hand on his shoulder briefly.

“We’ll help every one of you that we can. I promise you that.”

Ben tilts his head, watching their exchange.

“Can you make that kind of guarantee?”

She looks back at him, her eyes firm, and he knows she means what she says.

“I won’t accept anything else. If we steal a big enough part of the First Order’s fighting force, right under Hux’s nose? They’ll be crippled. The Resistance will have an even better chance with all of your help.”

 

He looks at Palt, the former ‘trooper’s eyes quietly pleading with him.

“For now, I can change the way deserters are punished, how reconditioning is enforced. Make Hux’s efforts ineffectual.”

Palt nods, the tiniest smile forming on his face.

“Thank you, sir. I…  _thank you_.”

 

Ben smiles at him. He finds he enjoys this feeling -- doing something of value.

_He’d be proud of this. Of me. ...I hope._

He chases the thought away.

No time for that now.

 

Lann holds both hands out in front of him, questioning.

“We’re really doing this?”

Ben looks to Rey, then back at the others.

“Yeah. We are.”

Bol laughs, grinning broadly.

“Stars above. It’s about damn time.”


	20. Synchronous

Her voice echoes in the hangar.

“Finn, I’m  _not_ talking about this right now!”

 

She’d come to train, the secondary hangar the only room spacious enough to accommodate her saberstaff’s reach without worry of causing damage.

She already had her hilt in hand when Finn had entered, having followed in search of an answer to the previous day’s question.

 

_Are you in love with him?_

 

He groans, gesturing wildly.

“It’s just a question, Rey. Is it that hard to answer?”

 _It’s just hard to_ say  _it._

She waves the inactive hilt through the air.

“I’m supposed to be training, not discussing whether my judgment is clouded!”

Finn holds both hands up, placating.

“Woah, that’s...not what I meant.”

 

She sighs, shrugs.

“Isn’t it? You want to know if I love him, because maybe I can’t tell if he’s manipulating me. No one else thinks I’m being misled. Can’t you trust me enough to believe me when I say I believe his sincerity?”

He rests a hand on her shoulder.

“Will you please listen? Yes, I think your feelings may affect your judgment. But that’s not why I asked.”

She searches his face, confused.

“Then why does it matter?”

Finn smiles at her.

“I just… You’re on your own too much, even in a base full of people. I don’t like him -- at all, for the record -- and I trust him about as much as I trust the back end of a happabore, but it’s nice to see you  _happy_ for a change.”

She inhales sharply, surprised by his comment.

 

He shrugs, looking away and back, still smiling softly.

“I mean, he’s attractive enough, so I can understand that part of it. But his morals are questionable at  _best_.”

She chuckles, relaxed now that she understands his motivation.

“I don’t know. He might surprise you one day.”

Finn rolls his eyes, waving a hand through the air.

“Ah, I’m not holding my breath. You going to answer my question?”

Rey sighs quietly, staring at her saber hilt.

 

She speaks, finally, her voice a whisper.

“Yes.”

A chuckle from Finn draws her gaze back to him.

“‘Yes’ you love him or ‘yes’ you’ll answer me?”

She groans, shoves at his shoulder.

 

He throws his hands up in defeat.

“All right, all right, I’ll let you get on with your training. You need me to send BB-8 in and project somebody for you to fight?”

Rey looks at him, slightly sheepish.

“Actually…”

He snorts, backing out of the room.

“Oh, I get it. Your Force-boyfriend is visiting today.”

She feels her face flush, betraying her.

_“Finn!”_

He’s still laughing as he leaves.

 

She stands there, staring at the door, breathing hard through her nose.

She hadn’t expected Finn to tease her about it, but she’s glad their friendship seems to be getting back to normal.

_I wonder he’ll think of Ben when all this is over._

She knows her word alone isn’t enough to speak on Ben’s behalf, given everything that’s happened. But she’s glad he, Bol, and the rest will have a chance to prove themselves.

 

She shakes the tension from her shoulders, activating both ends of her saber, then shuts her eyes and tunes out everything but the hum of the blade.

She keeps her eyes closed, moving through a few basic motions, increasing her speed until the noise of the emitters eclipses everything else but her own breathing.

It seems like ages before she finally deactivates her blades, clipping the saber back on her belt.

She flops heavily onto the floor, laying on her back and staring at the ceiling.

 

Finn’s words come back to her suddenly, making her laugh -- a giddy feeling she can’t explain.

_‘Force-boyfriend’ is a really terrible phrase._

She sighs, draping an arm over her eyes.

 

_Are you in love with him?_

 

She never thought her life would be...this.

“Uh...what in the blasted  _universe_ are you doing?”

She moves her arm to see Ben bent down over her, grinning broadly, his face upside down in her view.

 

She can’t help the smile that spreads across her face, but she doesn’t mind.

“You’re late.”

He hums, the sound a thoughtful pause.

“I overslept, if you can believe that.”

 

She lifts herself from the floor, looks up at him, still grinning. Only a few months ago he barely slept at all, so she won’t begrudge him this.

“Really? Well, I forgive you, then.”

He laughs, ducking his head.

 

Ben’s in his training clothes again, barefoot like the last time, and she’s reminded of the offhand comment Finn made.

_I mean, he’s attractive enough…_

She walks to him, slipping her hand into his, her eyes trailing up his arm.

Finn’s right,  _again_ , of course he is.

She eyes the solid lines of muscle in his arms, up to his collarbones and his long hair brushing the tops of his shoulders.

 

“Wait...”

He looks up at her quickly, blinking surprise.

“What is it?”

Her mouth drops open in shock.

“Your  _hair_!”

He grins, shaking his head to make his hair fly. He’d pulled the top third up into a tail and left the lower layers loose -- similar to her own style.

“You said we were training, so…”

She reaches up and gently flicks her fingers at the short tail.

“I like it.”

He looks away, clearly trying to suppress his smirk and failing.

“Ah...well, thank you.”

 

He shifts from one foot to the other, looking around at the room. He looks at her oddly, his gaze curious.

“Where--”

She holds her hands up, halting him.

“You know I can’t say.”

His mouth pulls slightly downward, an almost-frown, but he nods anyway, studying the walls as if he can see through them to the world outside if he tries hard enough.

“Right. I shouldn’t have… pretend I didn’t say anything.”

 

It isn’t that she doesn’t trust him. She does, to her friends’ dismay. She  _knows_ he wouldn’t reveal their location to anyone, not even Bol. She has no doubt that he’d keep their secret.

But she’d promised Leia she’d keep their location secret, until he’s here.

Months ago, before all of this.

_We’re safe here. He’ll never come here._

_Why?_

_This is_ home _._

 

_Are you in love with him?_

 

Things have changed, but her promise hasn’t.

She just...hates keeping anything from him.

“This is the secondary hangar.”

He looks back up at her, eyebrows raised.

“It doesn’t really get used, except for storage -- so I like to come here to train. Sometimes BB-8 or R2 come with me to project holo-opponents for practice.”

He chuckles, warm and quiet.

“Watch R2 around Dameron’s droid. That old ‘mech is ah...foul-mouthed. I doubt he wants the little BB unit learning that.”

Rey smirks, thinking of the droids.

“Oh...it’s too late for that.”

His laughter echoes through the hangar, making Rey laugh along with him.

It’s a nice sound, and an even better feeling.

 

She steps close to him, resting her head against his shoulder with a sigh, and feels him kiss the top of her hair.

He’s so easily generous with his affection, always reaching for her and letting his touch linger. She never thought she’d enjoy such simple contact, but now that she knows differently, she can’t fathom being without it.

He hums again, drawing her eyes up to his.

“How much time do you have to spare?”

“As much as I want.”

He smirks, unhooks his saber from his belt. He looks from the ragged hilt back up to her face.

“Good. I had an idea.”

She grins as well, lifting her own hilt.

“All right. Ignite just one side for now.”

 

She looks up at him, skeptical.

“What’s the point of having two if I only use  _one_?”

He shrugs, smug smirk still firmly in place.

“Historically? Surprise and awe.”

“Oh, all right. One blade only. What are we doing?”

“ _T_ _raining_ , remember?”

 

She groans, rolling her eyes jokingly at him.

“You’re a kriffing menace, Ben Solo.”

He waves a hand through the air, flippant.

“Ah, I’ve been called worse things.”

She frowns up at him, caught by the casualness of his statement.

“That...isn’t what I meant, Ben.”

He stares her down, suddenly serious.

“I know. Still true. And accurate.”

She’s so suddenly angry -- sad, dismayed, confused, but mostly  _angry_ \-- she can feel her pulse racing in her fingertips.

He’s still watching her, waiting for her to say something else, waiting to argue.

 

_Are you in love with him?_

 

His eyes are so sad, sometimes.

She sighs, shaking her head and looking down at the floor.

“I’m not letting this go. You’re so much  _more_. You have to know that.”

He lets out a shaky exhale, rolling his shoulders and pacing away from her.

“Let’s just...let’s just train, all right?”

 

He ignites his saber, the quillions flaring to life a second after the main blade, an outlet for the excess energy created by the damaged crystal.

Kyber is such a volatile substance, she knows, that it was used as the core of the Death Star. Starkiller, too, in its way -- the planet Ilum had been one of a very few worlds to still possess any of the crystals after the Empire strip-mined so many planets of the precious element. The quillions keep his saber from ripping itself apart.

She activates the red blade of her own hilt, still in awe of how it feels like  _hers_ in a way Luke’s old saber hadn’t.

Ben’s sputtering plasma hums at a different pitch than the stable blade of her own, yet like everything else about them the tones manage to harmonize rather than clash.

 

_Are you in love with him?_

 

He nods at her, twirls his saber.

“You learned the basic lightsaber forms?”

She rocks her head from one side to the other.

“From a book, sure.”

His eyebrows shoot up at her comment, but then he nods as the realization hits.

“Right. Well...I think this will work anyway.”

She crouches into a defensive position, blade held firmly in her right hand, watching him carefully.

He smirks, shaking his head.

“Ah, no, not sparring. I want us to try moving  _together_ , using the Force to synchronize our movements.”

Rey blinks at him, processing his words. She stands taller, slides her blade through the air just to hear the hum.

“Can we do that?”

“I think so. But…”

 

He's frowning at the hilt in his hand, his eyes fixed on the sparking plasma near the emitter shroud.

“What is it?”

His eyes snap to hers, his gaze blank for a second as if he'd forgotten what he meant to say.

“Ben? Are you alright?”

He shakes his head quickly, looking at her properly at last.

“Yeah, I was thinking of...on the  _Supremacy,_ when we fought together. We managed to match each other's movements without trying, then. We…”

Rey thinks back to that fight: how they’d moved with and around each other as if they were one person, dispatching the red guards one after the next.

His voice drops to just above a whisper, his eyes intense in a way she hasn't seen in months.

“Oh, it makes so much kriffing sense now, why he wanted one of us to kill the other. I'm not sure anyone can stand against us if we're together.”

 

She considers his words, her vision tunneling as she focuses on her saber: the two of them, toppling the First Order unaided, tearing through the galaxy, creating true peace with their mere presence. She imagines them standing above it all, lit sabers in hand. Defend those that need it, destroy those that deserve…

Ben's hand settles heavily on her shoulder.

“No, Rey.”

His smile is sad, like he knows what she was feeling.

_You know he does._

She rubs at her neck, nodding, the moment past.

“What do we do?”

 

He steps away, lifting his lightsaber straight out from his arm, measuring.

“Lift yours also. Tip to tip with mine.”

She raises an eyebrow, but does as he says -- steps away and raises her saber to reach for his own.

He smirks, suddenly excited.

“All right. I want to run through all the basic forms several times, but when you  _feel_ it, I want you to change the pattern.  _Surprise me_. If we do this right, I’ll move when you do.”

She bites at her lip, still skeptical, but settles into the first stance -- feet shoulder-width apart, one foot back, saber held low and erect.

He mirrors her, humming again.

 

They both look to the wall, toward the door, exhaling together as their bond washes over them.

Left downswing, up to the right. Heavy downward slash, sharp thrust. And on through each pose.

A dozen iterations or more, again and again.

She grips her saber tighter, turns a tight counterclockwise circle and bringing her weapon down hard.

Her thumb shifts on the hilt and she feels -- for a fraction of a second -- the ridge of the exposed wire on Ben’s saber beneath her own hand.

_Oh. Now I understand._

 

She abandons the basic forms, moving into the rhythmic patterns of her staff training, and feels each fractional movement in Ben’s muscles as much as in her own.

Faster and faster they move, their pace perfectly matched as with everything else.

Their synchronized breathing fills the room, the pitch of their sabers and the sound of their footsteps almost musical.

A wide slice to the left and a final upswing, and they come to rest, blades deactivated, ragged breaths the only remaining noise as their eyes meet, still brushing along the edges of each others’ minds.

 

_Are you in love with him?_

 

He smiles again -- broad and brilliant, his eyes more vivid than she’d ever seen -- and she’s caught by the realization that she would do almost  _anything_ to keep that look on his face.

_Yes. Stars above, yes._


	21. Interlude I -- Finn

Finn peeks around the door of the hangar, curious.

 

He’d meant to meet up with Poe or Rose after leaving Rey to train, but after a few moments he found himself back outside the spacious room.

Despite himself, he listens -- then watches -- as Rey greets her...

_Her what?_

As amused as he is to call Kylo -- Ben? -- her  _boyfriend_ , he’s not sure it fits, not really.

 _Companion?_ Maybe. But too simple.

Finn watches Rey look him over, appreciative, while he’s not looking and has to choke back his laughter.

 _Told you_.

 

Their interaction is so familiar, comfortable.

Finn knows their connection is growing stronger, established months ago back on Starkiller, entirely by mistake.

 

Rey gently refuses to tell Ben --  _yes, Ben_ , he realizes -- where they are, describing the hangar itself instead.

They’ve been tucked away on Chandrila for…nearly a cycle now, undetected in their seclusion, reconnecting with old friends of the Rebellion and building their ranks.

Rey’s head drops against Ben’s shoulder, and Finn feels his eyes go wide as Ben very gently kisses the top of her head.

 

The soft smile on Ben’s face says so much, a smile Rey isn’t meant to see, and Finn finally, finally understands why they’re doing all this.

 _He loves her, too_.

They stand watching each other, unactivated sabers in hand. Rey teases Ben, joking, but hits a nerve all the same.

Finn suspects he’s had a long history of being called unkind names, for many reasons, by many people.

Rey’s posture is suddenly tight, defensive. She hadn’t meant it the way he’d taken it; tries to soothe the wound, but Ben is dismissive.

 

Finn watches Rey watching Ben.

 _Partners?_ Closer. But inadequate.

Ben’s voice carries easily, as if the universe --  _the Force? maybe_ \-- wants Finn to overhear.

“--sense now, why he wanted one of us to kill the other. I'm not sure anyone can stand against us--”

He manages to stop his gasp, only barely, ducking back behind the door out of sight.

_Snoke wanted them to kill each other? Why?_

 

Finn hears the hum of their lightsabers sliding through the air, and peeks around the door again.

Rey and Ben move fluidly, each movement copied perfectly by the other, their timing more than just practiced routine.

He marvels at their unity, their strikes faster each time, yet still, always, together.

_Together, they’re unstoppable. Alone, they’d be...incomplete. Almost perfect, but unable to reach their potential without the other._

 

Their blades finally stop, the buzz-whir conspicuously absent as they stand facing each other breathing heavily, their smiles radiant.

High, giddy laughter reaches Finn’s ears as they approach each other, sabers forgotten.

He sees Rey’s hands reach to thread into Ben’s hair as he lifts her and turns them in place, their foreheads pressed together, Ben’s laughter cut off as Rey kisses him softly -- once, twice, a third time...

 

Finn leaves his hiding place, smiling to himself as he walks away from the hangar.

 _Equals, then. They’re that much, and more_.


	22. In Dreams

He dreams of his dead master.

Snoke's twisted face, caricature-like in its deformity, leans over him.

 

His limbs feel distant, heavy. Unresponsive.

He wonders briefly if he's been drugged, or stunned, before another wave of vicious pain tears through his mind, and he remembers.

_I rescued you from your uncaring family and the indoctrination of the Jedi, and this is how you repay me? Constant failure. Endless disappointment._

 

He hears a sound pulled from him, halfway between a growl and a pitiful whine, and his master offers something like a smile.

 _Oh, yes,_ Kylo Ren _, you will scream before this is over. Perhaps then you will finally succeed in your mission._

 

Hours. Days.

How long has he been here?

His voice was ruined some time ago -- between the second and third paralyzing lightning strikes.

He doesn't remember for sure.

 

**Ben?**

He doesn't know that name.

Not anymore.

**Ben!**

_What is distracting you,_ Kylo Ren?

Distracted? That implies focus.

Every nerve in his body burns.

How could he possibly concentrate on anything?

 _If you would just_ obey your master  _this could all end._

 

**Ben!**

He's so tired.

**Ben, you have to wake up.**

But if he sleeps, he won't feel this anymore.

_The scavenger cannot save you._

What? Who--

**I can't help you if you don't wake up!**

Rey.

 

Waking feels like breaching the surface of the water.

His head  _hurts_ , but he opens his eyes and Rey is already sitting next to him, her hands wound tightly into the sheets as if she's afraid to touch him.

“I heard you screaming.”

 

He stares at her, tears still streaming into his hair from the nightmare.

 His voice is hoarse. Uncomfortable. He turns away, unable to bear the weight of her gaze, his eyes tracing constellations on the ceiling.

“Sorry I woke you.”

 Rey sniffs, swiping at her face. She shoves at his shoulder.

“Come on, shift up. I'll sit behind you.”

 

_I don't understand why she goes to so much trouble._

 

He sighs, making room for her to sit against the wall behind him.

“What are you doing, Rey?”

“Hush, Ben.”

He starts to grumble again, but she pulls him back against her chest and kisses his temple and his protests die on his tongue.

Her arms wrap around his chest, almost too tightly, but he appreciates the comfort.

She feels so...so  _real_ , it hurts to know she isn't, not really.

He covers her hands with his own, hiding his face against their arms.

 

“Don't apologize for waking me. I'd have been here sooner if I sensed it.”

“Why?”

She scoffs, kisses his shoulder.

“Because you needed me.”

A hollow spot behind his sternum  _aches_ , and even more tears work their way free.

He doesn't deserve her. He knows this, intuitively; views it as an objective fact.

Yet, here she is.

  _It isn't as if she has a choice in the matter_.

 

“You can go, if you want.”

“Well, I don't, so you're going to have to put up with me.”

_She came here on her own._

She slips one hand free, keeping the other wrapped around him. Her fingers work their way into his hair, blunt nails sliding along his scalp.

 

He lets his head fall back against her shoulder, his cheek pressing against hers.

“Why do you always help me, Rey?”

Her shaky sigh confuses him, until she speaks.

“ _Ben_. Because I want to. Remember?”

_She could leave any time she wanted and you couldn’t stop her._

 

His memories echo in his head: Rey’s voice, again and again.

_I want you with me, Ben._

_Every kriffing piece._

_\--all of you._

_I’m not going anywhere._

 

“What happened?”

“I...really don’t want to talk about it.”

She keeps playing with his hair as she speaks.

“Nightmare or memory?”

He clenches his jaw against the wave of nausea, and forces his voice to work.

“Both.”

 

_She’s not leaving. She said so herself._

“If you need to talk about it, you can. But I won’t make you.”

He nods, an awkward jerky movement with his head against her shoulder.

He stays there, staring at the ceiling with Rey's fingers in his hair as he drifts off to sleep.

 

 

His dreams are lit by starlight.

The vibration of the  _Falcon's_  sublight engines is probably his favorite thing in the  _entire world_.

His father doesn’t let him come along for flights often, but Mother is busy, so today -- incidentally, mere days before his birthday, which he gets to spend  _in space, with Father_ \-- he’s perched in the co-pilot’s seat.

Chewie stayed planetside to give him the opportunity, something he appreciates immensely.

 

_Hey kid, she’s on autopilot. Come help me with this._

They’re only using one engine right now because of some issue or another. He doesn’t remember exactly, but they had plenty of time to get to Yavin, according to Han.

He vaults over the center console -- a Force-aided motion that’s just too fun to resist -- then makes his way out of the cockpit and almost trips on his own feet.

‘Too tall too fast,’ his mother had said not long before this very trip, as he’d grinned at her awkwardly from his newfound height. He’s not  _clumsy_ , he just...needs time to adjust.

He tries not to think too much about it -- the odd way his features don’t quite fit together -- dragging his hand through his hair and then casually but carefully settling the long layers over his ears.

 

He wanders down the corridor to the sound of his father’s voice, lengthening his stride when he hears something metallic hit the floor panels.

_Kriffing stars-damned son of a hutt multispanner landed on my foot!_

Ben chuckles, both at his father’s colorful language and the awkward position he’d adopted: one foot held up behind him at an almost unnatural angle in an effort to keep it away from the offending tool.

_Don’t let Mother hear you swear like that, she’ll never let me fly with you again._

Han huffs, gently setting his foot back down.

_Yeah well, it isn’t like she hasn’t heard me do it before._

 

He smirks, nodding agreement, then lifts the multispanner from the floor.

_What are we fixing?_

_Just this blasted coolant line -- help me move this panel._

He and his father each hook their fingers into the slats of the panel, lift-sliding it aside with a screeching sound that makes him wince.

_Are you sure we can fix it?_

_What?! You and me, we can fix anything._

_...I don’t know how._

 

_I’m gonna teach you. Now come on, climb down here with me._

He braces his palms against the metal floor and drops down into the hatch, his father lowering himself with less grace and more grumbling.

Han traces the line they’ll be replacing with one finger.

_It’s cracking on the inside, and the coolant isn’t flowing properly because of it; and if the coolant doesn’t get to the engine--_

_It overheats. Explodes?_

_Yup. Kills us both._

 

Ben frowns at the multispanner in his hand, then looks over to his father.

_What’s keeping it cool now?_

He grins in that way that Ben knows means ‘I already thought of that’ and he has to stifle the urge to laugh.

_We’re not using that engine right now, remember?_

_Right._

 

His father’s hands work deftly to remove the damaged hose.

_You like being offworld for a change?_

Ben inhales sharply, nodding before he remembers his father is looking at the bolt he’s removing.

_Yeah. It’s...it’s nice. I like space. And the noise the engines make._

 

Han pauses his work, looking over at him with an odd expression.

Something Ben can’t quite describe -- something like tenderness, but that can’t be right.

 

He quirks an eyebrow, trying to dispel the awkward moment.

_Anyway. The coolant hose?_

His father opens his mouth, closes it, and nods. Han’s face pulls like it’s trying to frown, but he looks away, finally freeing one end of the hose and angling it for Ben to see.

_Yep, see the cracks in the rubber?_

Ben nods.

_Why did it rot?_

_Probably a blockage or a kink in one of the other lines. Or just...neglect, maybe._

 

Han passes him the ‘spanner then positions Ben’s hands at the coupler holding the hose in place.

_You get this end._

_So we have to replace another hose, too?_

_Not this time._

He frees the rotted hose from the coupling, sets it on the floor panel outside the hatch they're in.

 _If another hose is damaged why_ neglect  _it further?_

 

His father doesn't answer.

He watches, silently, as Han carefully affixes a new hose, working both ends without asking Ben to help.

He clenches his jaw, moving to lift himself out of the hatch, but his Han’s hand grips his elbow and he waits, not looking back.

_I'm sorry, you know._

 

His breath catches in this throat at those words, unexpected as they are.

_And...well, I love you, son. I should have said it more, and sooner._

The grip on his elbow is gone, and when he turns, his father is too.

 

He wakes to fresh tears on his pillow and Rey leaned against the wall at the head of his bed.

Apparently it’s not a night for sleeping.

 

He watches her for a moment before realizing she’s reading his datapad.

“Please tell me that’s the uncoded one.”

_She didn’t leave._

She smiles down at him, waving the ‘pad in her hand.

“I guess so? It just lit when I touched it.”

 

He hums, lifting himself to sit beside her.

“What were you reading?”

She looks back to the device, shrugging slightly.

“A story about a war between the Jedi and Sith a long time ago, and a planet called--”

“Malachor. And it’s not a story -- it really happened. Both sides were completely obliterated by the weapon within the Sith Temple.”

 

“Seems like an odd thing to read.”

He lifts one hand palm-up.

“I enjoy reading it. Galactic history is...messy, but interesting. Especially the history of the Force’s influence on the galaxy.”

 

Rey sets the datapad aside and makes an odd face. He lays his head on her shoulder, threading his hand into hers.

“What is it?”

 _She’s here because she_ wants  _to be_.

He feels her start to shrug before she remembers he’s resting there, and when she speaks the tone sounds strained.

“I just realized...I’m glad that’s not going to happen to us. It could have.”

He stills, considering her words, and thinks of everything leading to this -- Jakku, Takodana, Starkiller, the  _Supremacy_ …

“Yeah. Me, too.”

 

Rey lifts their joined hands toward her, presses the smallest of kisses to the ridge of his knuckles, and lowers their hands again.

A knot of warmth settles behind his breastbone and he wonders for a moment if all the splintered parts of his soul will fly apart from the size of it.

_I don’t think I know how to be without you anymore._

Her hand grips his a bit tighter for a moment before letting go completely and moving away from him, and he starts to worry he had somehow done something wrong, but her smile is enough to placate him for a moment.

 

She kneels beside him on the bed, looking at and then away from him awkwardly.

“We could ah… lie down, if you want?”

He stares blankly at her, processing the non sequitur.

 

The faintest hint of color spreads across her face, visible even in the low light and she rushes to continue.

“I was thinking… I… Well. If you want, we could just… Lay here.”

He  _knows_ he’s staring, his jaw slack as he searches for words. Any words.

“Together?”

 _Maybe not_ that  _word. Maker help me._

Her snort of laughter shocks him back to himself and her eyes bore into him.

“Yes, Ben. Together.”

 

He lets out a shaky sigh, wondering what prompted this development -- but he gives her the tiniest nod and shifts back down the bed until he’s resting on his pillow again, and looks at Rey expectantly.

That bit of color still sits on her cheekbones as she grabs his wrist to move his arm, then slides down to curl against him, laying her head on his chest.

He feels like he’s frozen -- suspended in a single second for Force-knows how long -- until she sighs softly, her breath shocking against his skin.

“You can move your arm back, you know.”

And so he does, resting his hand gently against her ribs.

Ben falls asleep with Rey tucked against his side, and dreams of Tattooine.

 

The air here is suffocatingly warm.

_Why did we come here, again?_

_I grew up here, Ben. It’s not so bad once you get used to it._

_If you say so, Uncle Luke. What are we looking for?_

_Anything useful._

 

They stand in the shadow of a cave-riddled cliff, among rocks and sand and  _heat_.

_Isn’t the Force supposed to tell you these things?_

_I wish. Sometimes I get where, but not_ when _, or_ why _._

_Where are we, then?_

 

His uncle laughs, lays a hand on his shoulder.

_You ask a lot of questions, don’t you?_

Ben sighs, his uncle’s teasing a familiar but tiring trait.

His mother is the same way.

 

Luke looks up and around at the cliffside.

_I’m trying to find Obi-Wan’s old hideaway. The Tuskens and Jawas probably ransacked it years ago, but… the old man was tricky._

Ben looks at his uncle.

_You think he hid things away._

 

Luke nods, walking further along the rocky path.

 _The last time I came here, I was a little older than you, but I hadn’t learned about the Force yet_.

 Ben trails behind.

 _What? Couldn’t you...I don’t know,_ feel  _it?_

Luke shrugs, eyes still searching the cliff.

_Now that I know better, I think I had felt it before. Probably saved my life a few times -- I was a good pilot but I was reckless, too._

Ben smirks, kicks at a loose rock.

_Mother says you still are._

His uncle’s eyebrows shoot up, his face equal parts amused and offended.

_She’s not much better, sometimes._

He laughs, dragging a hand through his hair.

_You try telling her that, see how that goes._

_Oh, no. I know better._

 

They walk along the ever-narrowing gap between the cliff walls long enough that he can feel the skin of his nose starting to burn.

_Anything look familiar yet?_

Luke squints up at the sky.

_Maybe. Hope we find it soon, we need shelter before the temperature climbs too much higher._

 

Something tickles at the edges of his perception.

A hum, a buzz, a...something.

He points off to the left, sort of behind them.

_I think it’s this way._

Luke looks him over appraisingly, nodding after a moment.

_Alright. Lead the way, Ben._

 

They walk along the bottom of the far wall, his eyes searching for…

_There! See how that bit of cliffside has a shadow behind it where it shouldn’t?_

He looks over to his uncle, who cocks his head in response.

_I’m not sure that I do. Show me?_

He brushes his hair from his face, and nods.

 _Okay_.

 

Ben follows the hum of the Force through an almost-hidden arch in the rock, and finds a dwelling that is remarkably well preserved despite the years and the layer of sand dusting everything in the room.

He turns back to speak to Luke, but his uncle’s odd expression -- a curious mix of fondness and grief -- stops him short.

_Uncle Luke? What is it?_

His uncle smiles at him softly, still sad, looking older than Ben thinks of him.

Luke steps carefully into the room, his footsteps barely disturbing the sand under his boots.

 

Ben shifts in place, watching Luke look around the room, unsure what to do next.

He hopes they leave soon. The sand has worked its way under his nails and into the roots of his hair and it’s  _irritating_ and what is his uncle even trying to find, anyway?

Luke raises one hand, reaching through the Force, to find the whatever-it-is. He must finally sense it, his eyes shut as he uses the Force to grab and  _pull_ a section of what should have been solid wall aside to expose a hidden space.

Ben walks to the gap in the wall, looking over the scraps of actual  _paper_ and little pots of ink and a set of brushes, as well as an assorted collection of saber parts.

 

He scowls and turns to face his uncle.

_That’s it? I thought for sure we’d find something...useful._

Luke shrugs, enigmatic as ever, unslinging a bag from his shoulder and holding it out for him to fill.

_Who knows. It might be useful someday._

 

Rey’s soft snoring wakes him from the strange dream-memory.

He hadn’t thought fondly of his uncle in a long time, but that trip with Luke had been one of their better experiences during his years at the temple.

 _What a weird night this has been_.

 

He looks over to Rey to see her watching him silently, her mouth pulled into a small frown.

“Is something wrong?”

“Well… I spoke with Finn this morning.”

 

He shuts his eyes, suppressing a groan.

“About me? I’m sure that was an enjoyable conversation.”

She laughs quietly, and he looks back to her. Her eyes linger on him for a moment before darting away, suddenly shy.

“He, um. Joked about you being my boyfriend. Asked if I’m in love with you.”

 

For the second time that night he feels like time has stopped, everything hinging on a single word.

His heartbeat is too fast, the blood rushing in his ears a constant crashing wave even as he reaches for her.

 

The gravelly whoosh of the door to his quarters nearly sends him into a panic, ripples of the Force knocking the datapad off the table beside his bed as he sits up too quickly.

 

Bol and Lann stumble into his room supporting Andra, unconscious and far too pale.

“We’re in trouble!”

He sides the door shut with the Force, scowling even as he tries to rein himself in, and climbs out of his bed.

“What the  _kriff_ happened?”

The Knights lower Andra’s limp body to the floor as Bol speaks.

“This blasted idiot tried to assassinate your loathsome general. We’re out of time. We have to go  _now_.”

 

He quirks an eyebrow at the man on the floor.

"...Did he get him?"

Rey all but growls at him.

"Ben. Focus."

 

He looks at Rey, his ears still ringing.

“Right.  _Right_. Are you ready for us? Where do we go?”

Her mouth draws into a tight line, but she nods anyway, her eyes wide.

“I thought we’d have more time, but yeah. We’ll meet you on Takodana.”

 

_Takodana? What a sense of humor she has._

 

Rey stands quickly, crossing to Bol.

“Keep each other safe.”

The Knight smirks, nodding at her and clapping a hand on her shoulder.

“We’ll see you soon.”

 

He walks to Rey, each of them reaching for the other as he came close enough.

“Takodana? Seriously?”

She grins, failing to keep the amusement from her face.

 

He chuckles and wraps her in his arms as tightly as he can, hoping to pass every feeling through that gesture. He releases her just enough to be able to press a kiss to her forehead, an odd habit he's developed that somehow still surprises him each time.

“I can’t wait to see you.”

She smiles and kisses him, her fingers in his hair, his quiet gasp smothered in her affection. She pulls back slightly, brushing her nose against his along the way, her eyes trained on his.

 

He’s entranced, completely caught in this tiny moment amidst the oddness of their lives, his voice a whisper as he speaks.

“I--”

 

Bol shoves at his shoulder, and the moment is lost.

“ _Force help me_ , Ben, your timing is horrendous. Save your flirting for later.”


	23. Haste and Help

They were supposed to have more  _time_.

 

They’d been on the cusp of something, laying in his room in the dark simply because they could.

She’d gone to him because she could feel his nightmare as if it had been her own, but she stayed because she wanted to stay. Because  _he wanted her to stay._

 

This has to work.

If it doesn’t…

No. They can do this.

 

Help Ben escape, get Bol and Lann and Andra and Palt and  _everyone_ safe, then bring the First Order crashing down around itself.

She’ll do whatever she has to do.

 

Rey races through the halls of their base, nearly passing Leia’s quarters entirely.

She composes herself, lifts a hand to press the chime.

The door opens, seemingly on its own accord.

 _Right_.

 

She steps into the low light of the room, looking around awkwardly. All her conversations with Leia have been in the General’s office rather than her personal quarters, and she doesn’t know which way to look first -- the shelf in the main room is piled with personal effects, including a small tree in a ceramic pot and a holo that shimmers in the near-dark.

She starts to walk closer to it, curious, but Leia comes from the door on the opposite wall, shrugging into a lightweight robe as she approaches.

“What is it? Is something wrong? I sensed  _something_ but...”

 

Rey exhales heavily through her nose, skipping details in favor of saving time.

“There was a problem on Ben’s ship and he has to get out now. I wanted to be sure you knew we were leaving.”

Leia is still so hard for Rey to read sometimes -- like trying to look at a pond through a layer of ice -- and she doesn’t know what to make of her expression.

“Is he alright?”

 

Rey nods quickly.

“They’re already on the way.”

Leia’s eyes narrow at her as she steps forward.

“ _T_ _hey?_ ”

_Kriff._

 

She sighs, long and slow, her eyes shutting briefly before she looks back to Leia.

“...Yes. It’s best if we don’t get into details now. There’s no time.”

Leia’s disapproval is a tangible thing, crashing through the Force in unpleasant waves.

“This is a  _bad_ idea.”

 

Rey shifts in place, one hand clenching on nothing.

“With respect, Leia… I made a decision. I know it’s the right one.”

Leia crosses her arms across her chest, scowling up at her.

“ _Fine_. I’m trusting you on this because you’ve been right about everything else so far. But--”

Rey gently lays a hand on her shoulder.

“I won’t make you regret it.”

Leia rests a hand on Rey’s, nodding.

“All right, Rey.”

 

She nods and heads for the door, but sees the glimmering holo in the corner of her eye and pauses, looking toward it. From the wrong angle the image is hard to see, but she has a guess about the projection; speaks to Leia over her shoulder.

“It’s a picture of the three of you, right? You and Han and Ben?”

She sees Leia nod from the corner of her eye, her shoulders sagging under an invisible weight.

 

Rey pulls herself up taller, looking at the fuzzy holoprojection, grips her thumbs in her own fists to hold back the wash of pessimism that threatens to overtake her.

“I’ll be back soon.”

 

 

She rouses her friends from their sleep, collecting them as she goes.

 

Finn, in particular, is ready very quickly, meeting her in the hall before the others emerge. He has an odd look on his face, and she expects him to bring up their earlier conversation again.

Instead, his hand reaches for hers, bringing it up, and his face shifts into something softer as he studies her palm.

“You know… this thing you do -- trusting people despite their past, helping them save themselves -- it's a weird hobby.”

She grins at him, shrugging mock-casually.

“Well, it was this or junk trading, so…”

Finn's shocked laughter echoes in the hall before he catches himself, covering his mouth with his hand.

 

Poe and Rose approach from behind Finn, both looking half asleep, making her wonder if it's fair to ask them to do this.

BB-8 rolls around Poe’s legs.

_Jedi Rey seems tired._

Poe nudges the astromech with a toe.

“We're all tired, buddy, but this mission is important.”

 

She looks around at her friends, anxious adrenaline coursing through her veins.

“Look, I...I understand if you don’t want to do this. You don’t owe us anything.”

Rose smiles at her.

“I disagree. You deserve any happiness you can carve out of this. We all do.”

BB-8 trills at her.

_The General and Jedi Rey ask us to bring Ben Solo back. We will help Jedi Rey._

 

She kneels to the droid, resting a hand on the white and orange dome, and looks back up at her friends.

“I don’t know how to thank you enough for this.”

Poe extends a hand to help her up, helping her pull herself back to her feet.

“I’m sure we’ll think of something.”

Finn’s hand falls onto her shoulder as he smiles.

“Let’s go, then. You know he’s waiting for you.”

 

Packs on shoulders and an over-large insulated container of caf in hand, she ushers their little group toward the hangar where their abused, inconspicuous freighter awaits.

An old Bulkstar model Chandrilan ship, dubbed the  _Purra_ , the little freighter had been chosen for its versatility and ubiquity, though now Rey worries if it will be spacious enough for their expanded roster of passengers.

 

_We’ll make it work._

 

It’s what she tells herself, again and again, as they board the  _Purra_ , as they leave the hangar in the hazy dawn light, as they look down on Chandrila from orbit, as she programs the coordinates for Takodana into the hyperdrive, as she thinks of the little holoprojection in Leia’s room.

 

_We’ll make it work._


	24. Interlude II -- Rose

The hum of the  _Purra_ ’s engine has lulled everyone else to sleep.

 

Everyone but BB-8, of course, but Rose enjoys the little ‘mech’s attitude.

 

Rey had drifted off first, knees pulled up to her chest in the co-pilot’s seat, after spending the first hour trying valiantly to stay awake while staring out through the transparisteel.

Once Rey settled, Poe had excused himself to one of the crew bunks, asking BB-8 to wake him in 6 hours.

Finn trailed off not long after, asked BB-8 to wake him later as well, then laid his hand gently on her shoulder and telling her to rest while she could as he left the little ship’s cockpit.

 

She’s tired, yes, but she never sleeps well under pressure.

So she’ll keep watch with BB-8 until one of the others wakes again.

“Where are we going, BB?”

The droid trills.

_Jedi Rey set coordinates for Takodana. We will land near Nymeve Lake and then meet at the Lady Kanata’s rebuilt castle._

 

Rose grins at the 'mech and moves into the pilot’s seat.

“I’ve heard a lot about Maz from Finn! He says she’s small and a little terrifying. And then, then he says--”

She pauses, laughing, and imitates Finn as she speaks.

“‘Now that I say it out loud, everyone I’ve met since Poe showed up is small and terrifying. What’s that about?’”

BB-8 warbles in amusement, the mag-servos in the dome humming as their head shakes in denial.

_Finn does not sound like that!_

 

Rose laughs too, but it quickly morphs into a long yawn.

BB-8 beeps at her.

_Perhaps Rose should sleep?_

She shakes her head, frowning a little.

“No, I’m too worked up. Too worried about how this will go.”

_Jedi Rey is confident in our success._

 

Rose nods, looking over at Rey’s sleeping form.

She snores quietly when she sleeps. It’s endearing, and equalizing.

“She is.”

_Rose is not?_

She looks back down at BB-8.

“That’s not what I mean. I just...want to be cautious.”

_Reasonable._

 

Hyperspace streaks by outside the window.

 

She sighs, leaning back in the pilot’s chair.

“BB? Did you ever meet Ben Solo?”

The ‘mech chirps once, a nonanswer.

 

“Rey’s in love with him.”

A clicking whir draws her attention, and BB-8 chirps again.

_...Yes._

She nods again, thoughtful.

 

The engine drones, and Rose fights sleep.

 _Rose_?

She jolts back to wakefulness, her heart thundering.

“I’m not asleep, promise.”

A skeptical blat comes from the droid, and she rolls her eyes.

“Well, I might have been. But only for a second!”

“You really should sleep.”

 

Rose looks up, sees Rey watching her. Rey looks like she hasn’t slept in days, but Rose knows how constant stress plus a little lost sleep can wear on a person.

She waves a hand through the air, dismissive.

“I’m all right for now. We’re still about a day from Takodana; I have plenty of time to rest before we land.”

BB-8 trills skeptically before rolling away to check on Poe and Finn in their rooms.

 

Rey sighs as she stretches.

“I need to comm Maz soon. Ben will probably beat us there -- hopefully he does the smart thing and lands his shuttle away from Nymeve Lake.”

Rose tilts her head to one side, not seeing the issue.

“Don’t all sorts of people go to Maz’s?”

Rey turns in the seat, facing Rose, and nods.

“Yeah. The rule is ‘all are welcome -- no fighting’. But the last time I was there, with Finn and Han and Chewbacca, someone informed on us. To both sides.”

 

She points as everything clicks into place.

“You’re worried someone will recognize him, or us.”

Rey’s smile is sad as she nods, and it pulls at something in her.

“But it’s one of a very few places in the galaxy where it’s not  _too_ suspicious for both the First Order and the Resistance to be seen.”

 

She opens her mouth to offer to enter the castle alone and have Maz send Ben to meet them in the forest or by the lake -- she’s never been to Takodana and she’s no one important, after all -- but the words don’t make it out.

Instead, she yawns again, a drawn-out involuntary gust.

Rey smirks at her knowingly, and they both dissolve into quiet laughter.

 

Rey’s hand grips hers briefly, and her smile looks a little less sad, now.

“Go on. Get some rest. One of the others will be awake soon, so I’ll take this watch.”

She stands, stretching her arms above her head and yawning again.

“All right. But you have BB-8 wake somebody if you need one of us.”

Rey just nods and turns back to the cockpit window to watch the stars rush past.

 

She passes BB-8 on the way to an unoccupied bunk, and pauses to speak to the little droid.

“Keep an eye on her, okay BB?”

BB-8’s chirrupped reply is indignant as she walks away.

_Of course I will._

 

Her head finds a pillow, and the ship’s quiet susurration lulls her to sleep at last.


	25. Into the Forest

The shuttle shakes as it breaks Takodana’s atmosphere.

 

Bol hovers over his shoulder, anxious.

“Please tell me we’re not about to become space dust.”

He growls in frustration, fighting the controls.

“We’ll be fine as long as no one followed us through those jumps.”

 

“Sure, yeah. But I’m talking about the landing.”

“I know, Bol, now sit down and let me _fly_ so we don’t crash.”

 

The Iridonian slides into the seat beside him.

“Anybody ever tell you that you sound like a certain infamous smuggler when you’re frustrated?”

His teeth clench so tightly his ears ring.

 

He’s running on only a few hours of sleep. After spending the entire night fighting his own dreams and memories, and waking again and again to Rey still beside him, he’d thought, maybe, he could finally be honest about how he felt...

And then Andra, the blasted nerfwit, had unknowingly thrown all their planning into the incinerator, and the unexpected contented feeling he and Rey had fallen into had been washed away in the panic of escaping the _FInalizer_.

The docking bay with his shuttle was, thankfully, only a short distance from his quarters, and Bol had sent Palt and his little group of stormtroopers to get the ship ready to fly.

He’d shoved his saber and some unassuming clothes into his pack, hefted Andra over his shoulder, and they’d raced to the bay.

 

The ship jerks as it catches and skims off a warm pocket of air, and Bol yelps, her arms flailing, but then their descent levels off.

Bol stands again to look out the viewscreen at the forest ahead.

“Huh. You’re actually not a bad pilot.”

 

He uncurls his fingers slowly, relaxing his death grip with a sigh.

“Tell Lann and the others we’re here. Is Andra still out?”

Bol shrugs, scratches at the base of one of her horns as she stands and crosses to the cockpit door.

“He was at the last jump. I’ll help them make a litter so we can drag him to Kanata’s house.”

 

He guides the shuttle above the treetops, the ride smooth and easy now that they’re in-atmo.

Bol can handle Lann and their little crew of troopers. Palt had wisely brought along the ones he knew were in the most immediate danger -- but who he also trusted. He _also_ left behind a few who were willing to stay, just in case.

 

Ben finds he’s unsurprised Hux would promote Palt. He’s intelligent, but not _too_ bold, which is exactly the type Hux would want on his bridge.

But… he’s also unfalteringly loyal to people who are important to him, which is exactly the kind of support Ben needs if they’re going to tear everything down around Hux’s head.

 

Maz’s castle comes into view, towering above Nymeve Lake, her many banners and pennants fluttering in the wind.

 _I wonder how many times she’s rebuilt this place over the centuries_.

He tries not to think of the last time he’d been here, but the sunlight shining on the lake is too specific of a reminder.

 

_The view from the cockpit is nothing short of incredible._

 

_His father rocks the ship from side to side, laughing as they sway, before turning the entire ship in a tight circle to land._

 

**_Maz let you come here -- ?_ **

_Chewie’s hesitant question is met with incredulity._

_“What do you mean? Of course she let me come here again! She likes me.”_

_He’s grateful for his father’s habit of repeating the wookiee’s words. Shyriiwook is difficult to translate even after hearing it most of his life._

 

_Chewie growls again._

**_We’ll see what she says about that._ **

_The_ Falcon _settles gently onto the ground, and Han grins back at him._

_“Maz doesn’t like for people to cause trouble at her castle. The only rule is ‘no fighting.’”_

 

_He leans forward eagerly._

_“Did you...cause trouble last time you were here?”_

_Han waves his hand casually._

_“I never do, kid. It just...follows me.”_

 

_The wookiee stands from the copilot’s seat, rumbling at Ben as he passes._

**_You’ll like her, little Ben. She feels the Force, too._ **

 

 

Chewie had been right, of course.

 

He smiles at the memory, finding it easier to make room for them in his mind as time goes on.

Thanks to Rey, of course. He might have eventually summoned the strength to defeat Snoke on his own and without her influence, but he’s sure it would have been in some hard-won distant future.

Who would he have become without her?

_You know the answer to that._

 

Lann’s voice carries to the cockpit, shaking him from his introspection.

“He’s too damned _heavy_ , Tari!”

Her groan makes him chuckle despite the tension in his shoulders.

“By the stars, you’ll complain about anything.”

 

Ben shouts back over his shoulder.

“Palt? You and Resh are similar in height -- can you carry him?”

The ensign sticks his head in to speak.

“Ah, of course, sir.”

 

Bol grumbles, exasperated.

“You can’t keep calling him that. People will _notice_.”

Something clatters to the ground and Palt stammers out a reply.

“But, I… ah…”

He sighs and grips the controls tighter.

_Should have known this wouldn’t be easy._

 

He spots an opening in the treetops and spins the craft -- as his father had done once, who knows how long ago -- and lands deep in the forest.

The shuttle touches down with a slight _thwump_ , and Ben releases a shaky breath, stretching his fingers to get the feeling back.

 

He heads toward the ship’s small hold, rolling the hem of his shirt between his thumb and finger, unused to the texture of the lighter fabric. His typical heavier, black tunic, armguards, and pants are stashed in a duffel bag in the hold, along with his saber.

These clothes were taken from the officers’ supply -- the shirt the color of sand in the sun, tucked loosely into the coal-ash pants. He kept his boots rather than try to find a pair of shoes to fit.

He knows how dressing like this will make him look. He _knows_. But it’s necessary.

Maz will recognize his face, but at least he won’t walk into her home as _Kylo Ren_.

 

In the hold, Bol stands with her arms crossed, staring down Lann as he ties Andra to a makeshift litter. Palt kneels down to help and Lann swats his hands away, and Bol sticks the toe of her boot into Lann’s leg.

“Let him help, we need to get going.”

Lann grumbles, but points toward Andra’s knee.

“We don’t want him to thrash if he wakes; we don’t know how bad the head injury is, but he’s been out this whole time so it can’t be good. Run a strap here, make sure to tie it off well.”

Palt looks like he might be sick, but he swallows heavily and nods before doing as Lann says.

Ben nudges at Bol’s shoulder, catching her attention. She slaps the ramp control and the two descend to talk outside.

 

_The forest is full of so many noises: Convor screeches, humming insects, wind in the trees. And in the distance, the sound of ships landing at the castle._

 

_He tugs at the elbow of his father’s shirt._

_“How does she keep people from fighting?”_

_Han grins, looks over to Chewbacca._

_“Well, she doesn’t, not really. People still fight. But this place is a...a kind of crossroads, a waystation. People come here to get away from all that, as much as they can.”_

 

_Chewie rumbles at them._

**_If you fight in Maz’s castle, you are banished forever. Or worse._ **

_Ben stares up at the wookiee, squinting skeptically._

_“Worse? What kind of worse?”_

 

_Han’s hand falls onto his shoulder._

_“Depends on the scenario.”_

_Chewie and his father head away from the_ Falcon _, toward the castle with its many flags. Ben rushes to catch up._

_“So… you caused trouble, but you’re not banished?”_

 

_The wookiee laughs, a sharp bark-like sound, and Han lifts a hand, flippant._

_“Well… I helped clean up my mess, last time.”_

_Then he looks over his shoulder at Ben, amused._

_“Besides, she’s got a thing for Chewie, here. She’d never turn_ him _away.”_

 

_Chewbacca shoves Han’s shoulder gently, nearly knocking him into the underbrush, startling Ben into a fit of laughter._

 

 

Bol kicks a rock into a tree, impatient.

“It’s worrying that he isn’t awake yet.”

Ben looks back up the ramp though he can’t see the men inside.

“I’m sure he’ll be fine, Bol. Having a man on a stretcher will slow us down getting to the castle, but if he comes out of this we’ll want him with us.”

 

She scoffs, crossing her arms over her chest again.

“I don’t know what he was _thinking_. I should have stopped him, or--”

“Did you know he was going to do this?”

She scratches at the base of a horn, looking away from him with a sigh.

“No. I thought he was smarter than this.”

 

Ben shrugs, offering the only answer he can give, brushing at invisible dirt on his stolen shirt.

“Still… it wasn’t your fault.”

Her leg pulls back to kick at another rock, but she pauses, looking up at him.

“Hmm.”

He hears the surprise in her tone, even in that half-voiced thought, and chooses not to look back at her.

She steps toward him.

“Ben, it’s--”

 

Lann comes stomping down the ramp then, still grumbling -- now about the humidity -- followed by Resh and Palt with the litter between them, and then the other 4 ‘troopers-turned-ensigns: Bris, Karia, Forr, and Stoln.

_What an odd group we are._

 

Lann looks between him and Bol.

“He’s secured. How far is it?”

Ben looks in the direction of the castle.

“Not too far. Half an hour, maybe a bit more carrying Andra.”

Bol gestures to Resh and Palt.

“You two ready?”

They nod, and their group sets off through the trees.

 

The trip goes faster than Ben expected, with Ben leading Resh and Palt ahead of the others and setting their pace.

Leaving the trees and stepping into the shadow of the castle is a surreal experience.

The giant statue of Maz stretches to the heavens, an idol trying to touch the stars, wringed by rows of pennants rippling in sync.

Ben’s boots echo on the stone of the courtyard.

 

_Rey isn’t here yet. Maz probably won’t like this…_

 

The little cantina is much darker inside, making it difficult to see in without entering. He stops at the bottom of the steps, turning to Bol and motioning her forward.

“Will you wait here? Maz is… Well, I’d like to greet her on my own, if you don’t mind.”

She looks at him skeptically.

“You’re worried. I don’t like it.”

He looks over at their little group of traitors, then back to the doorway.

“Yeah...me too.”

He climbs toward the door, his heart racing.

 

Ben steps through the entryway and is roughly shoved against the interior wall.

It takes _everything_ in him not to push back.

But he’s here at Rey’s instruction, and he needs help, so he allows an arm to hold him in place.

 

A droid speaks at him -- the one behind the pressure on his chest.

“ _This guest is not welcome in the Castle._ ”

He takes a slow, deep breath, willing himself to stay still, his only outward sign of anger his tightly clenched fists.

“Tell Maz I need to speak with her.”

He can feel the eyes of the other patrons pointed his way, wishes he could  _make_ them forget this.

“ _Unacceptable. Facial recognition indicates you are banned._ ”

“What? I’ve been here _twice_.”

 

“You are banned because the last time you were here, I had to rebuild half my castle!”

Maz approaches from behind the bar counter, frowning at him.

“Emmie, let him go.”

 

The droid relents, and the other guests turn their attention back to their refreshments.

Maz points up at him, obviously unhappy with this arrangement.

“We’ll talk, but _only_ because Rey asked.”

He sighs, nodding acquiescence.

“Thank you.”

“Ah, no. Don’t thank me. I’m doing your girl a favor. Not you. _You_ , I’m mad at, and for good reason. Now tell your friends to get in here before they make someone uncomfortable.”

He starts to contradict her, thoughts of _Rey is no one’s ‘girl’ but her own_ running through his mind, but even as true as that is he revels in the association, and he doesn’t think Rey would mind such a statement coming from Maz, so he lets it go.

 

Maz walks away from him muttering frustrated comments about ‘making trouble’ as he brushes off his stolen shirt.

He sighs and leans outside to motion Bol and the others to come in, then follows Maz deeper into the chaos of her Castle.

 

Maz leads him to a table at the very back of the little cantina space, possibly the only one big enough for all of them, and climbs up into a seat at one end where a glass was already waiting for her.

“Sit. Your girl didn’t give me many details when she commed earlier, so you need to tell me what this is all about.”

He lowers himself into the chair to her left, feeling as unnerved by the woman’s gaze as he had as a boy when he visited with his father.

“I’m...sorry.”

“Are you?”

He nods, scratching blunt nails at the back of his head.

“More than I thought I could be.”

She squints at him, her displeasure evident, then takes a long drink.

“You should be, and for a lot of things. But that isn’t what I want to talk about.”

 

He sighs and points at her glass.

“Can I get one of those?”

“Hm. I don’t have any Whyren’s, you know. Or Chandrilan raava.”

He bites at the inside of his lip to keep from replying -- as usual Maz is painfully direct.

 

Bol slides into the seat on Maz’s other side with a chuckle.

“Don’t need the good stuff.”

Maz nods at them both, sliding out of her seat.

“Some cheap lum it is then. Don’t start any trouble, _Solo_.”

Ben groans and drops his forehead onto the tabletop.

 

Lann and the others join them, having helped Palt and Resh deposit Andra in one of the downstairs cells for lack of another room with a cot.

“She’s getting booze, right? Or caf? Or booze _and_ caf?”

Bol jabs her elbow into Lann’s side.

“Stars, Lann, just be grateful she’s offering us anything.”

 

Resh taps his fingers on the table restlessly.

“This seems like a dangerous place for us. How long are we waiting for -- what’s her name again?”

He looks at Palt, who stares for a beat before answering.

“Ah, her name is Rey.”

Resh nods, thoughtful.

“Rey, then. When is Rey getting here?”

 

Ben pushes up from the table with a sigh.

“Soon. She’ll be here soon.”

He looks over at Bol, who watches him with one finger resting atop the tip of a horn.

“Tell Maz I’m going for a walk -- and tell her anything she wants to know.”

 

The _Purra_ breaches Takodana’s atmosphere and Rey sighs in relief.

The holocomm pings and a miniature projection of Maz appears.

“Rey, you’re here at last. There’s an open landing zone near the lake for you.”

“Thank you Maz.”

“Don’t worry about it. Come on in when you’re ready.”

 

Rey sets the little freighter down very carefully in its designated spot. From here, she can see the base of Maz’s great statue in the courtyard outside the castle door. She stares ahead, unmoving, her pulse quickening with each moment.

 _He’s here. He’s really here. I can_ feel _him here._

She could reach for him, tell him she’s arrived, but...

 

Finn nudges her shoulder with his hand and she nearly jumps out of her skin.

“Hey, woah. You alright?”

She laughs a little, standing and shaking the tension from her limbs. Behind her she hears Poe and Rose talking as the ramp descends.

“Yeah, just…”

“What is it?”

“Does it make sense if I say I’m nervous? It sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.”

 

Finn smiles at her softly. Somehow, despite all her earlier trepidation about voicing her feelings about Ben, knowing that Finn understands why they’re even trying this eases some of the pressure on her heart.

“No, it makes perfect sense.”

She nods, looking out the cockpit window toward the castle again.

The knot of emotion swelling up in her grows the longer she waits, so she takes one last deep breath, and leads them all down the ramp.

 

As they approach the castle courtyard, her friends pull further and further ahead while Rose and Poe talk about wild theoretical upgrades they’d make if in charge of designing the next X-Wing and Finn looks fondly from one of them to the other, the smallest softest smile on his face.

Rey watches Finn and she realizes then how she must look when she’s with Ben -- totally enraptured and laser-focused.

Though, now that she’s thinking it, she finds she’s not totally sure what’s going on with Finn and those two -- if there’s something going on at all. He hasn’t mentioned it, and she hasn’t thought to ask.

_Too wrapped up in all this mess right now, but first chance I get..._

Poe jogs up the steps, Finn and Rose close behind, and Rey catches a snippet of the conversation: “--ever had Kowakian Rum? Maz always has some behind--”

 

A noise in the forest draws her attention, and she pauses, turning toward the sound.

The trees move with the breeze, but otherwise all is quiet.

She shakes her head, dismissing the noise as just another product of her nervousness.

 

The music from within makes its way to her: something lively but unfamiliar, not unlike the last time she was here.

She climbs the steps, taking them two at a time, but stops again just before passing through the door.

_What if, after all this, he’s changed his mind? What if he decides being away from the First Order is enough, and he doesn’t need me the way I need him? What if--_

 

Finn’s voice reaches her ears.

“Hey, Rey! Back here. Wait till you see this…”

It takes a moment for her eyes to adjust to the low light, but then she notices Finn waving at her from the back of the room, his expression unreadable.

 

As she comes around the central bar, she spots Bol standing behind Finn, her hands held palm-out at chest level.

 _Kriff_.

 

It’s only been a matter of hours since he’d seen her last, through the Force, but watching her climb the steps and knowing she’s really truly _here_ has his heart racing, the blood rushing in his ears deafening the sounds of the forest.

Ben had watched her from the treeline and had barely resisted reaching out to her.

 

He sees her pause just before going inside, staring down at her feet, and he digs his fingers into the bark of the tree in front of him.

But then she startles slightly and strides through the door.

 

He turns his back against the tree and wills himself to relax.

He hadn’t come out here to hide from Rey, merely to give himself a break from Maz and her probing questions.

_I’ll wait, just a few moments. Maz won’t be happy with me, but Rey will have an easier time explaining._

 

 

“Finn, it’s all right, they’re--”

His eyebrows shoot up in shock and he holds up a hand, halting her.

“Nope. This isn’t what we signed up for, Rey.”

“Finn, please--”

 

Poe gestures broadly towards the group.

“Do you even know them?”

She points to each of Ben’s crew in turn, reining in her frustration.

“Bol was training at Luke’s temple when it fell. She’s been one of the Knights for the last several years, along with Lann and Andra. Palt and the others here are former stormtroopers. They risked everything to get away from the First Order and are willing to help us destroy it. Sound familiar?”

 

Rey looks back to Finn and he’s still frowning, unconvinced.

But then, he lets out a long exhale, and turns to look at the defectors.

“You were ‘troopers?”

The one next to Palt nods, a pronounced frown on his face.

 

Finn looks at Poe and Rose, then back to Palt and his friends, before looking away to the bar.

“I think I need some of that Kowakian Rum. Where's Maz?”

 

He wanders off, tugging Poe along by the jacket sleeve, leaving Rose and BB-8 behind.

_Finn did not expect so many stormtroopers._

Bol leans on the table, looking down at the droid.

“What does that mean?”

Rose drops a hand onto the little mech’s dome.

“He's not upset, not really. I’m sure he’s glad other ‘troopers are getting away from the First Order, but Rey didn’t exactly tell us we were meeting a _group_.”

 

Rey winces, knowing Rose is right. She didn’t think about how everyone would react, didn’t even consider it.

“Rose, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you all, I--”

Rose’s hand falls on her shoulder, pausing her apology.

“Rey, really, it’s fine. But maybe trust us next time?”

 

Rey nods quickly, blinking back the sting of grateful tears.

_What would I ever do without them?_

She looks toward the bar, trying to find Ben. She’d felt him here, but...

Bol’s voice draws her attention. She scratches at the base of one horn, then gestures toward the doorway.

“He said he was going for a _walk_ , Force knows why.”

 

“I make the poor boy nervous. Always have.”

Rey turns quickly to see Maz smirking up at her.

“Now, sit, and tell me why this little retinue has ended up at my castle.”

 

For what feels like the hundredth time, Rey recounts her story -- with interjected help from the others, Finn and Bol especially.

 

Finn slaps the table, laughing.

“And then he just _appears_ in the middle of our hangar, like everything’s fine!”

Bol points her empty glass at Rey.

“She was hiding under Ben’s desk!”

 

Maz lowers herself from her seat at the head of the table, gesturing for Rey to follow.

“I can handle your friends. Why don’t you go for a walk?”

Rey looks toward the entryway, hesitant.

Maz pushes her forward gently.

“Go on, he’s just out there kicking around in the forest.”

 

She makes it nearly to the door when their voices carry to her one last time.

“They’re both just so--”

“In love? I _know_!”

“They sure don’t!”

 

She inhales sharply, racing out across the courtyard.

_Are they right? How do they know that? They can’t possibly--_

The sun shines in her eyes and she slows as she approaches the treeline.

 

Her heart races, her pulse drowning out the sound of the wind through the trees as she tries to listen for Ben again.

She waits -- one moment, two, three -- before growling in frustration and stomping her way into the forest.

She could reach out for him through their bond, but she’s struck by a particular need to search, to find him like a bit of lost treasure beneath centuries of wind-tossed sand.

 

She passes a moss covered, toppled tree for the third time before she gives up, dragging her hand through the air and throwing a rock with the Force.

She’s been gone a while, she knows. The others won’t start to worry yet, but probably soon.

She sits next to the trunk of the fallen tree, her head leaning back against the moss as she stares at the specks of light that filter through the trees.

 

The Convors screech, and something stirs behind her.

 

“Rey?”


	26. By the Lake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her fingers dance along his jaw, drawing his thoughts back to her.
> 
> Only her, always her.

Rey scrambles to her feet, startled by the sound of his voice, and her angry-shocked-relieved-elated expression steals his breath.

 _Force_ but she’s beautiful in that fading, filtered light.

 

“Ben.”

Her voice is more breath than word, barely audible among the sounds of the forest.

He steps forward, reaching toward her with shaky hands as she clambers up onto the fallen tree to stand above him -- backlit, deific, radiant.

And even at that height she’s still barely head and shoulders above him, her smile wide as she looks down at him.

 

He reaches for the trailing edge of her shirt, his fingers sliding along the rough fabric.

“You’re…”

She’s still whispering, as if afraid she’s dreaming.

“Here. Yeah. You, too?”

She nods, laying her hand atop his, sending sparks along his nerves.

 

He stares at her hand touching his and revels in the feeling of her touch as their bond is thrown open.  She gasps softly, tears falling down her face as she laughs in relief, and a wave of emotion reaches him and he’s overwhelmed by it -- and by his need to finish expressing what he couldn’t before.

But he opens his mouth to confess, and the words won’t come to him.

 

"Your clothes...you look--"

"Like him, I know."

He doesn't want to think too hard about it.

"I was going to say you look _nice_ , Ben."

"Oh."

 

She steps down from the fallen tree, her hand still twined with his, smiling as she tugs at his hand to lead him deeper into the forest.

“Where are we going?”

She turns, walking backwards to speak.

“There’s a river this way. It leads to Nymeve Lake. I thought we could…”

She trails off, looking away, suddenly nervous. He squeezes her hand gently, encouraging her to continue.

 

“It’ll be dark soon. I wondered what the stars look like from here, planetside.”

She smiles again.

He nods, understanding.

“You wanted to watch the sky from beside the lake.”

 

“It sounds ridiculous, I know -- I’ve seen the stars from other planets and from the cockpit of the _Falcon_ , but…”

They wander through the trees in the fading light, any discernible trail long since grown over by the plant life.

“But it’s not the same.”

He knows what she means -- each planet gets a different view of the galaxy. Different constellations, legends, stories… Every world has its own place in the pattern of the universe.

 

She pauses, suddenly, looking down at the ground.

“It’s one of the things I wondered when I was back on Jakku: which stars my parents saw in their sky, wherever they were. If any were the same as what I could see.”

He frees his hand, resting it on her shoulder.

“I’m sorry.”

She shakes her head, offering a small smile.

“Why? It isn’t your fault.”

He draws her close, one hand around her waist and the other in her hair -- the warmth of their bond wrapping around them both.

“No, but if I’d known, or if--”

“Ben, stop.”

“And then what I said on the _Supremacy_ \--”

“Stop!”

She pushes away from him, her expression suddenly serious.

 

He looks at her, confused.

“What is it?”

“My...my parents leaving me behind isn’t your fault. There wasn’t anything you could have done about it.”

He stares at her, remembering his conversation with Bol.

_Still...it wasn’t your fault._

_Hmm._

“All right, Rey. I’m sorry.”

 

She shoves at his shoulder, but she’s smiling now.

“Hey, I said stop it, remember?”

He chuckles, embracing her again.

“Right, right.”

He buries his face in her hair -- inhaling earth and oil and a summer’s breeze -- sighing contentedly.

He’d started to wonder if he’d ever get to have this -- an sense of peace and completeness he’d only recently dreamed of attaining.

But the more time he spends with Rey, the more he starts to let himself think he can have everything he'd once hoped.

 

They wander to the lake, following only the sound of the river whispering alongside them. He tells her about Bol and the rest and the tension of their escape; she recounts their frantic race to make it in time, in case something went wrong.

“Leia has a holo of the three of you in her quarters, you know.”

She says it quietly, her voice almost drowned out by the insects and Convor-song.

He finds that he’s both completely unsurprised and awestruck by his mother’s unfaltering hope.

“I remember the day that holo is from. The 9th anniversary of the Galactic Concordance, I believe. My father took me on a trip in the _Falcon_ later that same week.”

She pauses, quirking an eyebrow at him.

“That’s...oddly specific.”

He shrugs, sighing and looking down at his feet.

“Well, it’s also my birthday. It’s not like I could forget.”

 

“Your _birthday_? The Battle of Jakku was on your birthday?”

He nods, trying to squash his frustrated memories.

“More like my birthday was during the battle, but yes.”

She scoffs, her disapproval evident in her tone.

“Your birthday is more important than that, Ben.”

He smiles, at once saddened and comforted by her insistence.

“It never felt that way when I was a child. But thank you, anyway.”

 

She nods, satisfied, and they continue their walk to the lake.

“Wait…”

He pauses then, tugging at her hand.

“What is it?”

She looks back at him, concerned.

 

He lets go of her, dragging his hand through his hair, suddenly uncomfortable.

“You didn’t...look at the holo, did you?”

She frowns, looking at him in confusion.

“No, we were in a hurry. Why?”

 

He sighs, relieved she hadn’t seen.

“It’s nothing, I just… I was sort of an odd-looking child.”

“What? You don’t still think that, do you?”

He shrugs, wishing now that he hadn’t asked, looking off into the treeline. He can hear the river going quiet, so the lake must be nearby.

“Not so much, but it’s still mostly true.”

 

“No, Ben. No.”

Her fingers dance along his jaw, drawing his thoughts back to her.

Only her, always her.

He’s frozen, breath caught in his throat, watching her as she traces the lines of his face -- all the mismatched features he’d hoped time would soften -- drawing the the tip of one finger down his nose, across his lips. Along his cheekbone and then around the shape of his ear.

She slides both hands up into his hair, lifting up on her toes to kiss him; he bends his head down to reach her properly, overwhelmed with the warmth of her gesture.

 

The lake shines in the waning moonlight, ripples of sparkling glimmers reflecting onto Rey’s face as she grins widely and tows him to the water’s edge.

He tries to slow her down a bit, looking at the lakeside skeptically.

“Wait, it might be--”

Rey’s foot sinks into the wet mud with a moist squelching sound, her free arm flailing as he holds onto her hand to stop her falling.

She grips his hand tightly, laughing as she hauls her muck-covered boot free.

“Overshot just a bit.”

He suppresses a smile, leading her away from the spongy bank.

 

They sit in the grass, knees pulled up before them, shoulders pressed together as they trace shapes in the sky.

“If all the stars have names, _different_ names on different planets, how does anyone keep it all straight?”

Rey speaks in a hushed voice, as if she’s worried the stars themselves will hear her questions.

Ben shrugs, laying back in the grass.

“I’m not sure anyone does. It’s something Luke used to talk about, actually.”

She turns, looking at him carefully, but he shakes his head.

“No, it’s fine. It’s hard sometimes, but I feel like I have room for all my memories again -- not just the ones Snoke twisted.”

 

She smiles, nodding, then leans back to lay with her head resting on his stomach.

“Good.”

He puts one hand under his head, the other combing through strands of her hair, and listens as she tells him the stories of the constellations she learned about on Jakku.

“Oh! That one is _almost_ like Niima, but not quite. Wonder if it’s just different here. And that one...”

 

He loves her _so much_.

He can’t stop thinking the words, though they never make it past his lips.

 

But their bond is a live wire with them this close, all their thoughts and memories laid bare for the other to see.

 

_Her eyes shine as she insists she wants him and all his broken pieces. Something even he can’t say about himself._

 

_He watches her as she ignites her saberstaff, her smile proud. She accomplished what many couldn’t, and without help -- without anyone to teach her. She deserves to be proud of this._

 

_She stands between him and her friends, insistent that he is more than they think he is. She has more faith in him than he does._

 

_Her knees bumping his toes as she implores him to look up at her; her voice full of kindness and hope, her hands (and her lips, oh Force, her lips) soft on his skin._

 

_His racing pulse as their saber stances match, the pitch of the Kyber crystals harmonizing._

 

_His tears obscure his vision as they lay in the dark, and he wonders if he’ll ever be worthy of her. Wonders if he’ll ever be able to let himself tell her how he feels._

 

_He sees her again at last,  dappled sunlight on her face, every atom singing his love for her._

 

She sits up and turns to face him, staring, teary-eyed and grinning.

_Are you in love with him?_

Ben gasps as Rey’s memory reveals itself, feeling the exact moment she accepts it.

_Yes._

_How could she do anything else?_

 

He lifts up abruptly, pulling her to him and kissing her deeply, dragging her down to lay atop him in the grass.

 

The words flare through their bond as wave after wave of emotion washes over them both:

 

_I love you._

 

_I love you._

 

_I love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *flails and falls over*
> 
>  
> 
> [(come yell about things on tumblr! send me ficlet prompts!)](http://redsithbluesith.tumblr.com/)


	27. At the Castle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She can’t help it -- she could tell him again and again and never tire of the quiet surprise on his face each time.

This all still feels so unreal.

But Ben’s hand held in hers as they return to the castle, fingers twined with her own -- there’s a long, thin scar along the side of his thumb, twisting at the side of his knuckle; spatterings of smaller marks on the back of his hand -- is unmistakably, undoubtedly _real_.

And he--

He _loves_ her.

That, too, is undeniably real.

She’d felt it through their bond, and then later as they’d laid there in the grass beside the lake they spoke the words aloud again and again, the stars all but forgotten:

_“I love you.”_

 

Their boots crunch on the faint path along the edge of Nymeve Lake.

Ben’s thumb brushes the side of her own.

“We’ve been gone a while…”

She squeezes his hand for a second, reassuring.

“Bol and Finn were drinking together when I left. They’ll be fine.”

He looks down at her with raised eyebrows, a smile pulling at his lips.

“That will be an interesting partnership.”

She nods, tracing the scar on his finger, footsteps keeping tempo with insect-song.

 

The trees eventually thin out, and the grass gives way to worn stone. The great statue marks the constellations they’d found together by the lake.

 

Rey starts up the steps, murmurs of her friends’ voices carrying outside to her; three steps up, and Ben’s grasp on her hand halts her ascent.

She looks back at Ben, his eyes fixed on the doorway.

“What is it?”

His eyes dart back to her and he almost smiles, reminding her of the early days of their connection. He climbs up one step, brings his other hand up to rest against her cheek.

“I just… wish we had more time. Before we have to go back to everything else.”

 

She sighs softly, turning into his palm. It’s a rare moment for them to stand at the same level, and she’s left in awe of the look in his eyes: like he both sees her and sees through her, and still craves every part.

“When this is over, we’ll have all the time we want.”

He climbs another step, towering over her again, and leans in to rest his forehead against hers. His voice rumbles through her as he speaks.

“You really mean that?”

She laughs, her nose brushing against his.

“Of course I do.”

 

His hand slides into her hair,  his eyes never leaving hers.

“Say it again, Rey. Please.”

She whispers against his lips, a quiet promise.

“I love you, Ben.”

 

He gasps softly, pressing forward to kiss her; their bond sings with a warmth that holds all their words and so much more.

And then he’s lifting her, arms folded around her back and laughing gently as he tries not to stumble up the stairs. Her own laughter rings out into the dark and seems to encourage him, spinning them in a circle when they reach the landing.

He sets her down at last, both of them breathless from their laughter and kisses. He ducks his head against her neck, and kisses her collarbone, her jaw, her temple; and then she’s laughing again and winding her fingers into his hair.

He pulls back enough for her to see his brilliant smile, and she has to say it again.

“I love you.”

She can’t help it -- she could tell him again and again and never tire of the quiet surprise on his face each time.

He smiles wider, and kisses her forehead. His arms wrap around her and he again offers his own confession into the quiet night.

“I love you, Rey. I love you, too.”

 

 

His fingers cling to hers like a lifeline, his grip crushingly tight as they approach the table in the back of the little castle cantina.

Bol looks up from her tumbler of _kowak_ , her eyes shifting from one of them to the next.

Finn glances at them over his shoulder, then stands so quickly his chair screeches on the permacrete floor.

Ben sighs, starting to pull his hand away -- Rey clamps her free hand over his wrist, staring up at him. She holds his eyes, speaking softly. Insistently.

“Don’t, Ben. Please? Don’t let go.”

He chews at the inside of his lip, looking over to Finn and then down at her hand on his wrist, breathing slowly.

His anxiety pulses through their bond so strongly she feels it like her own heartbeat.

After a moment, he nods, still staring at their hands, and she allows herself to relax.

 

She looks up and back to their friends -- the ‘troopers are suddenly _very_ interested in their plates of sun-apple and jogan fruit.

Finn looks at her, then over to Ben, an odd expression on his face -- appraising, almost.

“Interesting choice of costume... _Ben._ ”

Rose tugs at Finn’s shirt sleeve.

“Give them a break, Finn.”

Ben shifts awkwardly beside her, his other hand tugging again at the hem of his shirt.

“I’m getting used to it, I think.”

 

“Well, come on then: sit down already. I’m sure I have some spiced pulkay around somewhere.”

Maz brushes by, nudging them toward the seats next to her own.

Finn drops back into his seat as she and Ben find theirs. He lifts his glass, looking at them through the pale amber liquid.

“Poe’s right, the Kowakian Rum is pretty great.”

Poe laughs, tapping on the table and smiling at Rey.

“Listen, buddy, I’m _always_ right about my taste in liquor.”

Rose leans in,  looking to Finn and Poe.

“Right, but have you had…”

 

Ben scoffs quietly, and Rey looks over to him. He picks at an imperfection in the table as he speaks.

“ _Kowak_ ’s not bad. I like Whyren’s better.”

She shrugs, leaning on her hand.

“I noticed.”

He looks back at her, a slight frown on his face. A tugging thread of worry makes its way through their bond, but she brushes it aside.

_\--sold you off for drinking money--_

 

Rey pulls back from their connection, avoiding the memory.

She and Ben had discussed what happened on the _Supremacy_ enough times, but she’d carefully avoided talking about her parents.

Accepting that they were gone -- really, really gone -- was one thing.

But coming to terms with how little she had meant to them...

 

A drink tray clatters onto the table, jarring her from her thoughts. Maz nudges a short glass of a clear liquid in front of her.

“Spiced pulkay.”

Maz sets a tumbler of kowakian rum in front of Ben.

“Don’t drink it too quickly; we have a lot to talk about still tonight.”

Rey hears him sigh quietly before he pushes the glass away with the back of his hand.

 

Rey lifts the glass, smelling the drink. The aroma is like flowers, but sharp and biting, and when she sips at it she’s reminded of jogan fruit and chando peppers. The spicy-sweet taste is unexpectedly pleasant despite the contrasting flavors, an easy drink for someone unused to alcohol.

Beneath the table, Ben’s knee nudges her own. She offers a small smile, enough to let him know she’s alright.

 

Maz taps the edge of her glass against the tabletop, gaining everyone’s attention.

“So. We have another coup, a supreme leader in exile, a stormtrooper revolution, and a rising Resistance that may not be ready to face the First Order in battle. Does that sound like everything?”

Ben picks his drink up quickly, downing it in one pull and sighing at the taste.

“Yeah. I think so.”

 

From his other side, Bol speaks up at last, gesturing around the table with her empty glass.

“And an unconscious knight who is loyal to Ben but may not be in favor of this defection, and three more unaccounted for right now. They were en route to the _Finalizer_ when I found out...all of this.”

Finn points over at Ben.

“What about the officers? Palt says a lot of the senior leadership was wiped out above Crait.”

Resh drums his fingers on the table, thoughtful.

“Most were, yeah. Junior officers in good standing were promoted. Senior troopers -- like Palt and me -- with a good record became junior officers.”

Palt nods agreement.

“First time we’ve had those buckets off outside of our barracks in… ah, years, I guess.”

 

“I’m sorry.”

Ben’s remorse fills their bond, making Rey wince. She reaches for his hand under the table, gripping it tightly.

Lann’s laugh sounds harsh, but his words hold no animosity.

“Bit late for that, don’t you think?”

 

Maz nods, looking around at them all, passing Rey a second glass of pulkay.

“Hmm. Well, I have some contacts on Corellia, Naboo and -- Ben, stop looking at me like that -- and Jelucan. I’ll get in touch with them.”

 

“Jelucan is being annexed.”

Ben’s tone is flat, dispassionate.

 

A chorus of voices sounds around the large table, all of them echoing Rey’s own disbelief.

“You authorized this? Why?”

He looks at her then, his face as expressionless as his voice.

“I had to do it.”

 

Poe’s hand slams down on the table, making everyone jump.

“That’s a load of Bantha crap, you void-sucking nerfwit. You were the slagging _supreme leader_.”

Ben scowls across the table at Poe.

“It isn’t that simple, Dameron.”

 

Rey’s hands clench into fists, her nails digging into her palms. Her pulse rushes in her ears, nearly drowning out the argument.

“I should’ve gone after you with a scatterblaster when we were teenagers--”

“ _Tooska chai mani, sleemo--_ ”

 

Rey’s breathing grows shallow, the tension building in her veins as the Force whispers in her mind, both easier and harder to reach with the touch of alcohol in her blood.

The empty glasses near her totter and shift as she struggles to calm herself.

 **Make them stop** , it says to her, its song deep and sweet and tempting...

 

Something bumps hard into her boot.

_Jedi Rey, there is no fighting in Lady Kanata’s castle._

She exhales sharply, BB-8’s reminder bringing her back to the moment. Empty glasses drop back to the tabletop with a clatter.

She realizes everyone was looking right at her and their group, watching and whispering among themselves.

 

Poe sits slowly, he and Ben both looking chastised. Ben watches her carefully, his worry for her washing away any remaining anger.

Maz’s hand rests on hers, her eyes large behind her lenses.

“Too much pulkay, too much excitement. Are you alright now?”

Rey starts to nod, but motion just over Maz’s shoulder draws her gaze.

 

Behind Maz, in the archway that she knows leads downstairs -- _where I found Luke’s saber so long ago_ , she thinks -- leans a man with dark bruises on his face.

He looks up at them, his eyes shifting past her to Ben, then to where she knew Bol and Lann to be, to Maz, then back to Ben.

“ _Kylo_. Where in the Force-damned galaxy are we?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I'm not dead! I know it's been a long while (a month!!!!) since I updated and I appreciate everyone's patience for sure. Life happens.
> 
> 'Tooska chai mani' is a Huttese phrase Han uses in Life Debt -- no direct translation is given but it's implied to be a very, very rude comment about someone's mother. I have no canon evidence to back up my theory that Poe knew Ben, once upon a time, but oh well. I don't really have anything that explicitly states they've never met, either.
> 
> Updates may continued to be delayed for the next several weeks as we are in the process of moving into a new house! I know not everyone has tumblr but that's probably the best place to check for updates -- if you need to comment here instead to check in I can answer that way also. I promise this story will still get its ending.
> 
> Note edit 7/12: we're done moving!!! I hope to get back to regular updates soon. thank you all so much for your patience!!! <3
> 
> Feel free to come yell at me over on [tumblr](http://redsithbluesith.tumblr.com/).


	28. What is Deserved, What is Earned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “And what about Jelucan? What do the Jelucani _deserve_ , Rey?”

There’s a beat of silence and then ripples of hushed conversation tear through the little cantina.

“Did he say Kylo?”

“As in _Kylo Ren_?”

“Where?!”

“Why would Maz let someone like that--”

“Exactly, there’s no way he’s--”

“But what if--”

 

Ben stands quickly as soon as he hears the speculation start to grow louder. Most of the crowd is hidden from view by the wide bar, but the chatter spreads like wildfire.

Memory wells up in him, thoughts of Mellari and Josat, whispers about Vader--

He reins in his Force signature and crosses to Andra, ushering him back through the doorway.

 

Rey’s concern flares against his mind, insistent -- and on the edge of that concern, frustration over Jelucan.

_I’ll explain. I will. I’ll fix this._

 

 

 

Two steps down toward the basement of the castle, Andra starts to ask questions.

“What are we _doing_ here, Kylo? Why are you dressed like that? Isn’t this Kanata’s castle? I’ve heard stories about this place--”

 

Ben grabs the Knight’s collar, tugging sharply.

“Be _quiet_ , or I’ll quiet you myself, Andra. Understand?”

 

Andra nods, questions still clear on his face even as he says nothing. Ben gestures for him to continue, and they descend into the cool depths where Maz keeps so many treasures.

 

 

 

Rey watches as Ben leaves, frustration and anxiety humming under her skin.

_But whose feelings are they? Ben’s or my own?_

 

Resignation and disbelief war within her: he was supposed to be making things _better_ , but instead he authorized the takeover of another planet just to strip it of its resources like Hays Minor--

 

Maz’s hand rests upon hers, shaking her from her thoughts.

“You all need to leave for Jelucan immediately.”

 

“ _Force_ _be with us_ , maybe we can catch that arrogant bastard general off-guard and be done with him for good.”

Bol nods as she speaks, a harsh smile on her face that Rey finds emboldening.

 

Rey stands, then bends down to embrace her friend.

“Thank you, Maz -- for everything.”

 

“We all have to do what we can to make things right again. Now _go_.”

 

 

 

Ben uses the Force to open the door to one of the storerooms. It smells damp, like much of the lower levels, but there’s benches along either wall and a glow lamp that sputters to life after a moment of fumbling. He slides a hand through his hair, gesturing for Andra to sit on one bench while he takes the other.

 

Andra makes an exasperated sound, waving a hand in the air and leaning forward to speak.

“Can I ask questions _now_?”

 

“No. Your poor timing has upset an already delicate arrangement; no further commentary is needed.”

 

The Knight scoffs, but leans away at last, petulant.

 

After a moment, Ben decides to start with the simplest question, choosing his phrasing carefully.

“I’ve spoken with Tari and Lann on the way here, but there were things they did not know. What did General Hux ask from you?”

 

Andra’s answer is predictable.

“He wanted me to oversee the reconditioning and training of a group of ‘troopers to serve as your new Praetorians, and offered me your position as a reward for my work.”

 

Tone flat, Ben prods a bit, wondering what more he can get from Andra.

“What else did he say?”

 

He stands, pacing the small storeroom as he answers.

“Some bribery and prattle about how the _new Supreme Leader_ \-- how’d you pull that off, by the way? -- needs ‘an elite fighting force at his side’ and ‘who could better serve as their commander.’”

 

_Sounds like Hux. But there must be more._

“What more did he offer you?”

 

Andra looks at him, puzzled, then drops heavily onto the seat next to him and leaves the other bench open. The knight stays quiet at first, but finally answers with a hint of annoyance in his voice.

“Kylo, I gotta say, I like the Supreme Leader vibe -- imperious suits you, it really does -- but I don’t get the subterfuge and this whole...scene we’re playing out, here. I mean…stolen officer’s gear? _Takodana_ , really? What’s the goal?”

 

_There it is. Deflecting._

 

Ben turns, facing Andra to watch as he speaks.

“Andra. You should have come to me, but you spoke with Tari first. Why?”

 

 

 

Rey and her motley assortment of new friends hurry through the forest, leaves crunching underfoot on the now-familiar trail beside Nymeve lake.

 

A hand falls on her shoulder, slowing her pace. She turns, and finds Bol standing behind her, eyes searching and hesitant.

“Why are you doing this?”

 

Over Bol’s shoulder Rey sees Finn is watching them. She gestures for him to continue to the _Purra_ , noting his vexed expression. After a breath, he nods and heads along the path. Rey knows Finn will get everyone settled in the shuttle despite its size, knows that he’ll have Poe prep for the flight and that Rose and BB will handle any mechanical problems that might arise. She knows that if it comes down to it, they’ll be able to subdue any possible spies among Ben’s group of defectors.

 

But looking back to Bol, she also knows their plea is sincere. She can feel it thrumming through the Force like a current: _help them, fix this, set things right--_

“You deserve another chance. An opportunity to have the life you might have had if not for Snoke.”

 

Bol scoffs, and turns to keep walking to the shuttle. Scratching at the base of a horn, she speaks over her shoulder as she goes.

“Thanks, but no. The only ones here who deserve a second chance are the ‘troopers.”

 

Rey jogs to get ahead and cut her off just before she ascends the ramp.

“Your situation is no different, when you think about it.”

 

Bol steps back, frowning. After a beat, she looks down at the pathway, her voice quiet when she speaks.

“Your time is better spent helping the rest of the galaxy instead of us. We haven’t done anything to earn your help. I’m sure Ben thinks the same, even if he hasn’t said it.”

 

Rey laughs softly at that, thinking of all the times he’d tried to push her away over the last several months.

“He did.”

 

Bol throws a hand in the direction of the shuttle.

“Then why--”

 

Rey interrupts, a small smile on her face.

“But he also gave us information about the First Order and its movements -- information that tells us the power base Hux is trying to build is shifting under his feet, if he’s promoting stormtroopers who immediately defect. Hux just doesn’t know it yet."

 

 

 

Andra stands again, tapping the toe of his boot against the leg of the bench beside Ben. “The General thinks you’re a traitor. I didn’t want it to be true -- all these years I’ve been here, by your side -- but the things he said, Kylo…”

 

Ben’s blood goes cold, his vision blurring at the edges. He keeps his voice level, tries to maintain an expression that won’t tip the situation against him. “What did he _say_ , Andra?”

 

Andra stays quiet, and Ben realizes the only way to get the information he wants is to _take_ it.

 

He stands, looming over Andra, letting the Force flood back to him, through him -- and with the slow sweep of one arm pins Andra against the wall.

 

“Kylo, what are you--”

 

Ben silences Andra, _reaching_ with the Force to find what he needs to know.

  
  
  


Bol lets out a long, frustrated exhale.

“And what about Jelucan? What do the Jelucani _deserve_ , Rey?”

 

Rey’s smile fades as quickly as it came, disappointment fresh in her mind.

 

But again she can feel the Force crashing against her, a pulse in sync with her own, and she knows what to do.

 

She puts her hands on Bol’s shoulders, catching her gaze.

“You don’t have to earn your place in the universe, but if you want to, then come with me now and help me. Save the Jelucani, stop the First Order, give the galaxy back to its people.”

 

Bol smirks, her usual enthusiasm restored at this idea. The two of them start up the ramp to the _Purra_ , but Bol pauses at the top.

“You know, you sound like Master Skywalker, sometimes.”

 

Rey opens her mouth to quip back -- agreement, disagreement, she’s not sure which -- but something tickles at the edges of her awareness, distracting her.

 

The air goes quiet and still.

“Ben?”

 

 _You need to go. Leave me here and_ **_go_** **.**

 

Rey turns on the ramp, Bol’s calls muted, trying to get her attention.

 

Ben’s voice reaches her again, strained -- but she can’t see him.

_I said go. It's all a trap. Andra knew everything._

 

“Ben, no, we’ll wait for you.”

 

_You have to get to Jelucan. You have to help them.  You're the only one that can. Tell my mother--_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *shrugs really loudly* 
> 
> feel free to come yell at me on [tumblr](http://redsithbluesith.tumblr.com/)


End file.
